This post is written TO MadJW.It is a VERY abridged version of my story. I would be more compelled to write you a full version if I thought you REALLY cared. But posting this is therepy to me, so I will amuse you.
Mad, I was raised as a witness. My mom was pregnant with me when she got baptized. She had a sincere heart and desire to know truth. She was very uneducated however. She quit high school, got into drugs, and was living with my biological dad when she was 15 years old. She had me when she was 17 in 1980.
After I was born she held me in her arms and prayed to God to take care of me and to always lead me down the right path.
I grew up in a happy home. Unlike many on the board I was not abused in any way. I was full of fire and zeal and when I was 16 I took the proficiency test and graduated high school early. I began pioneering immediately. I went to pioneer school in the summer of 1997.
However, while I had a happy childhood, I always was plauged by guilt. Going through puberty and experiencing maturbation led me to feel so much guilt. I prayed and prayed to Jehovah to forgive me for what I was doing. I really did hate myself. This got to the point where I finally quit pioneering for a while, due to the guilt of masturbation (no porn involved) and not feeling "good enough".
I did take back up pioneering a bit later and was eventually accepted to bethel. I went to Patterson in 2000 and began work in the "Building Services" department. That's a glorified name for "toilet cleaners". While it wasn't very stimulating work, I was just happy to serve in God's House. They told us all the time that Jehovah was directly in charge of everything at bethel and that the paradise would be directed at bethel after Armageddon. How exciting it was to be a part of something so large!!!
But, alas, the newness wore off and I began to be disturbed by what the REALITY of bethel was. It was a prison. It was a completely institutionalized place. There were rules about everything from how you butter your bread, to how you make your bed, to what sort of clothes you could wear. I followed the rules to a "T". But I failed. I couldn't be good enough for them. I was counselled almost every day about something. My shirt wasn't tucked in while scrubbing the toilets. I arrived 2 seconds late (literally) to morning worship, I had a small .5 inch alligator logo on the chest of my collard shirt. It was extreme.
I also saw the glorification of the "anointed". In bethel entrance school you are to read all the life stories of the GB. They were special people, chosen by god, to direct his organization. I'd like to pause here and give you some insight as to how I've reacted to you on JWN. You say that you ignore the faithful and discreet slave and that they are "full of themselves". Let me assure you that they don't feel that way. The view at bethel is nothing short of men and organization worship. Any "old light" is viewed as a blessing from Jehovah. Because without it we wouldn't appreciate NEW LIGHT. It's a bizarre place. But there is a myth about bethel that is upheld by everyone there. I'm not sure if you have gone on a tour, MadJW, but if you ever do, you will leave thinking that the organization is the best thing since toilet paper.
Anyway, I grew to feel like I could not be good enough there either. I was outright told that I wasn't good enough for it and that my place would probably be best served in the congregation. I wasn't asked to leave. This was during my 3 month review. I lasted 2 years however. I am pretty stubborn.
Well after 2 years I couldn't take it anymore. My self esteem was shot and I knew that I could no longer keep up the facade. So I went back home. I tried to pick myself back up. But it was nearly impossible. People were expecting an amazing bethellite to be in their congregation. I wasn't that. I was just a beaten down kid that knew he could never do enough for Jehovah. I knew that I was going to die at Armageddon, but I was determined to go down fighting. I even had someone say, "I can't believe they ever even accepted you at Bethel!!! That's GOD'S HOUSE!!!!"
I eventually met my wife and we got married. We had our first son in 2005. He is one of the most beautiful creations that has ever existed. I would do ANYTHING for that little boy. After he was born I began saying a prayer that I continue to say today. "God, I love you with all of my heart. I only want YOUR truth. Please help me have the strength to follow it no matter where it leads me."
So that is what I do today. I know from 30 years of experience what this organization REALLY is. I ate, drank, breathed, and slept this organization. I know it's policies inside and out. I know what is required from the top down. I know how the GB expect you to behave and I know that when "JW's" think that they can pick and choose, according to the GB they are the ones that will be killed during the Great Tribulation. (By the way, "false" witnesses will be killed during the great tribulation and NOT at Armageddon. Armageddon is for everyone else, FYI)
So, MadJW, I take pity in you. Your "brotherhood" is NOTHING like you think it is. You are a captive of a concept. And it's a concept that you don't even fully grasp. This is a mind control cult. You can get IN easy enough, but to get OUT is near to impossible without extreme side effects.
If you EVER decide that this is not the organization that you thought it was, you will welcomed with open arms by thousands of people that have learned the same thing. But until then, god help you.
...OUTLAW