The greatest mistake and the greatest harm I ever did to myself as a Jehovah's Witness is lying to myself. About myself first. About everyone else secondly.
I believe in very few constants in life. I think we all are on journey's and it takes a lot to get to where we are going. But one thing life, esp life as a JW taught me, is that by and large, we, you and I, are very willing to lie to ourselves when it feels good to do so.
That isn't meant to be accusatory or to denigrate anyone. I can only speak of my own experience and see how it jives with with others to know this is true.
Truthfully, I never wanted a paradise earth where I could frolic in the fields with Lions and Elephants. For one thing, I was planning on moving to New Jersey after Armageddon. (joke their folks, laugh) What appealed to me about being a JW wasn't the future paradise. It was what I got out of being a JW now.
While allowing for the fact that JW teachings do point many broken people with problems to a time when their problems will end, the carrot on the stick that the Governing Body uses is what they term the present "spiritual paradise". This bullshit paradise is supposedly complete with brothers and sisters who care, elders to shepherd, while everyone rejoices that "we alone have the truth."
Of course, the dark side of this is that JW's teach, and I taught, that everyone else was going to be destroyed by that ultra loving god Jehovah.
Why? Why did I do it? I truthfully never did deep down believe it. What I got out of it was being a teenage ministerial servant and pioneer who wanted to be an over achiever, and happened to be a born in JW, finding myself in a religious cult that encouraged me to use my intelligence, talents, and energies for them.
And I was young, and my vanities were over fed. An easy recipe for lying to myself began. I could become an elder, be a leader, and having learned this from the pros, hide my own agenda behind Watchtower catch phrases of "having spiritual goals" and "reaching out for further privileges of service."
From my teens I saw the rot and hypocrisy. But I was too caught up in lying to myself. It caused me to pursue a goal I genuinely had no interest in, being a missionary, and to marry someone whom I had no business marrying, though I loved her with all my heart. All because I simply wanted to achieve, to do something with my life. With no guidance, JW's used that until I finally said "enough!"
These days, I have no problem with admitting where I am at. If I want something bad for me, maybe I will do it, eat it, and maybe I won't, but I won't sit there and try to justify it. While I don't say everything that comes into my mind, with my friends, I am pretty much a "what you see is what you get" person.
I strongly believe that while you don't have to tip your hand to everyone you meet, (esp at work) you can't afford not to be honest with yourself. It's miserable.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to achieve in your life. There is nothing wrong with changing. Unhappy relationships and marriages can either be saved or ended by honesty. Unfortunately, most relationships with that level of intimacy rarely gets the honesty it needs to fertilize the relationship.
It is, in my opinion, the ultimate challenge of exiting JW's to be honest with the person in the mirror. To really know, then admit, who they are. To know, not just your weak points, but your strong ones. To know who you really are, and then to strike out from that place is the ultimate peace that in the end, we all seek.
But until we stop pretending to be who we are not, until we stop justifying our weaknesses and bad points, until we come to a place where we can accept ourselves for who we are and being a work in progress, our development as people, post JW, will be slower then it needs to be.
There are many lessons to be learned. Many mistakes have been made, and will be made. But one mistake that can stop is to no longer lie to the person staring back at us in the mirror.