In these Last Days (of mine) High Anxiety. Critical Times. Hard to deal with

lil.lady.03

I really have been trying to fade quickly and with little amount of noise or rukus!

This past month has proven to be one of the most stressfuly ever.

My mom and I are 'discussing' just about everyday me not going to the meetingsand my reasons why.

She keeps pushing me to go. even tonight asked me to go with her to her. I told her I was supposed to go hear a sister's talk, but I'm not going now.

She tells me to put a bible tape on in the car, pray, pray pray and she barges in my room in the morning to read the text to me while I'm half awake.

Then on top of that my Dad, who has been Df'd all my life, is calling me and getting on my case about not going to the meetings and having a worldly boyfriend. What a friggin hypocrite!! My mom and dad are in cohutes.

My dad is like the biggest womanizer EVER! He has told me in the past about all the women and things he has done. (Something I think no father should ever share with his daughter no matter how adult they are)

I have always gotten so angry and tense whenever my dad and I speak. He thinks he can just roll into my life lay down some kind of law and bounce and actually expect me to listen.

I'm wising up to a lot of stuff.

I'm realizing that this whole 'fear of man" thing I had for so long kind of boils down to my relationship (or lack of) with my dad. Like I've always wanted him there. And I thought 'hey. maybe if I'm a good girl he'll be proud of me or even come back to the truth...."

But my dad has been and still is such a jerk! Super self-absorbed and still thinks very much like a JW elder or something.

Has the nerve to ask all these itimate details about my boyfriend and I. It's sickening. It's like he has this overprotective father/elder complex going on. Sad thing is that he can do whatever or who ever, but when it comes to me (a legal adult mind you) I have to abide by his sayso.

He only calls me so often and apperatly this timw he whole reason of calling me is to tell me I'm going to end up pregnant, abandoned, and left by my boyfriend, because that is what men who were not raised in the truth and who do not share your same beliefs do.

ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDING ME!! WHAT THE HELL? THEN HOW DOES HE EXPLAIN HIS WHOLE FAILED CAREER AS A FATHER? HE WS RAISED IN THE TRUTH!!!

He used some poker anaolgy (which I never played) saying I have a weak hand and I'm throwing in all my chips. I'm making a wrong choice and I'm going to regret it later.

I just got so mad!!

I mean honeslty everything he was saying I do admit, I've already been asking myself that question? Am I making a huge mistake? Am I really giving up my whole life and for what?"

It really isn't about my boyfriend but in a lot of ways it is. I think it is the concept of him being a worldly guy and me walking away from my JW upbringing that has him in a daze.

I admit it is all new to me too. I've wondered if I am using my bf as a crutch just to get out. I don't know. My mind is jumbled.My bf is like the first guy (or man I should say) that hasn't bailed on me, accepts me for me, or who doesn't require that I uphold some impossible standard. He's been there for me.

With my dad I got so angry!! I even asked him how come he doesn't ever ask me about anything else going on in my life? Like school or work? How come he is only focusing on me and wheather or not I'm having sex before marriage?

He didn't have anything to say.

Both my parents have the whole parental control mixed with the org mind control thing down pact. They both use guilt and fear to try to manipulate. I'm trying so hard to fight back for once and not be scared of their disapproval or basically thier wrath. I understand their concern, but I'm starting to see how it easily crosses the line into manipulation.

Then to top it off I still have 'friends' calling my and emailing asking me where am I, am I ok. I do appricate the concern, but I really just want to be left alone. I'm not sure how to explain that.

An elder called my by mistake two fridays ago and I froze up.

Another elder called me tuesday night. My brother answered the phone but I ran up the stairs and told him to tell the elder I was in the bathroom. (silly)

Apparently I have a talk next week. =P

Another one text me last just asking how I am, but I instantly had a panic attack.

To me I don't want to explain anything to them. I don't want to make excusses. They don't really know me at all. I think like I don't even want to talk to my own father, who barely knows me, about my life, why would I want to talk to these men who usually only see me for 5 hours week about my life? They don't know me at all.

But it is the same fear I have with my parents that I have with the elders. If not worse, because they have the 'power' to make a final desicion on my life. <-according to THEM

(Ahhhh! Its such a complex issue I have. This whole father issue/religious massive mixed up thing.)

This whole month has really proven to my how scared I am and how much mental work I did to do....I need to get tough and grow some cojones. Lol.

I don't know if I should call the elder back to tell him I'm not giving the talk.

I think if I call back that is just going to open I new can of worms. Like "well why not? where have you been..?" blah blah blah

maybe I think too much but I really am wondering what to do.

fin

In

Oh! That is stressful! What's a girl to do?!

It seems like you got two choices: either cave and go back and bear it, or Stand Up for yourself and say point blank 'I don't want to do this. I'm not going. Stop harrassing me.'

jwfacts

You are handling a tough time very well.

To me I don't want to explain anything to them. I don't want to make excusses.

You don't need to explain anything, in fact side stepping the issue is the safest bet. Try to avoid as many elders calls as possible and don't say much if they do end up cornering you.

Eventually your mother will get used to you not going to meetings. It will be hard for a number of months, but she will get the message eventually and you will learn not to really care about what she says.

Regarding your father, I will just tell him that you don't appreciate him giving you religious advice when he never bothered to live by it himself. Tell him you won't be going back to meetings and that is the last you care to hear about it from him.

I don't really know your situation too well though, so you may need to be careful what you say, as you don't want to be kicked out of home by your mother.

lil.lady.03

@ In: yeah I need to just use my voice and say no. UgH... its so eaiser said than done. It's like a whole system of thinking and a engrained metality that I have to combat against. It is very hard, when you're told point blank that you're going to die because you want to think for your self.

I tried explaining that to my bf, but bless his dear un/pre/programmed heart; he doesn't get it. LoL

@jwfacts: yeah home life is a little tense. My has has always said though that whatever choice I make is mine to do, We don't get in arguements, but openly share our feelings about everything. In a way I think she is a little envious that I;m walking away. I mean she listens and does agree with me on some points, but then it's like something switches on in her head and she goes into JW defense mode...smh...

by the way, jwfacts, is that your website? the jwfacts.com? I lurk on there a lot. LOL!!! That is funny if it is.

thank you both for your thoughts!

jamiebowers

The best way to assert your total independence is to move out on your own, even if you can only afford a roommate situation. Once you're standing on your own two feet, no one has the right to tell you how to live. Your parents will also learn the valuable lesson that your no means "NO".

Lozhasleft

Its awful that you have all this stress for just trying to live a 'normal' life....I agree with jwfacts...tell them you need space ...ask them to leave the subject alone... try and avoid the elders completely but if pushed just say things like 'I cant cope with it all' to put them off ...hopefully you can fade away without too much hassle or the big DF. Hugs to you.

Loz x

looloo

you poor love ! its so unfair that you have to cope with all that rubbish on top of "normal " teenage problems ! you dad sounds just like a girl i used to know in "the truth"s dad , very good at judgeing how bad "worldly " men are but not taking a good look at themselves and their own past conduct ! get a copy of steve hassans book off amazon about combatting cult mind control , read it ,then leave it on the coffee table and go out for hours , im sure your mum would read it , please dont think all "worldly" men are bad , it is not true at all , i found that men in the truth were no different to normal men just acted a role that was expected of them ! keep strong and focused on your future free of the cult , there are a lot of nice "worldly" people out there , talk to your doctor who may refer you for counselling , all the best xxx

alanv

I agree it is very difficult for you. I presume you are living in your parents house. I don't know how old you are but certainly it will be a lot easier for you when you set up your own home. In the meantime you just have to tell your parents as it is, that it is your life and you wish to make your own decisions.

JWfacts website is indeed very good. There is masses of info. there which can all be checked and proven true. I wish you well.

freydo

lil.lady.03 - If I was 30 years younger....just hang in there.

snowbird

(((((((Lil Lady)))))))

Hang in there, love.

Tell your high and mighty dad to google The Watch Tower View of Blacks.

Thatshould give him food for thought.

Syl

In these Last Days (of mine) High Anxiety. Critical Times. Hard to deal with

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