Thanks wannabefree. You have no idea how great it feels to have someone say "amazing and congratulations" when all others are saying I'm doomed....
Well, I started pioneering at 13, a year after i got baptized. I had promised Jehovah I'd give him my all, so I was convinced that pioneering was my only consistent life choice. 2 years later though, I had to quit full-time service because i was forced into highschool (back then i thought schooling was evil, like the WT had taught me). The feeling of having betrayed Jehovah triggered clinical depression on me, and I've been depressed ever since. For many years I thought the only solution to my condition was pioneering again, but once I was finally out of college and free, I realized I felt so emotinally ill that I couldn't even do my time when I tried. So I started on medication of all sorts, but refused seeing a Psychiatrist.
Influenced by a Bethelite friend and the CO's wife, I signed up for regular pioneering anyway. And it's been 2 horrible years of feeling guilty for not being able to make Jehovah happy... Through the years I'd had doubts regarding doctrine, and especially Organizational ways. But like many, I said to myself I was here for Jehovah, and I reminded myself I had promised to serve him forever...
Until last october 20th, I was lying in bed in the middle of the night, giving myself a guilt trip for not wanting to go on service the next day, and for the first time I allowed myself to think "Jehovah is extremely hard to please, if only I could call the shots to my own life I wouldn't be so depressed...." But I started thinking of my family and thought it was impossible to quit. So I thought "what if i just killed myself?" (not a new thought for me), But same thing, I couldn't do that to my family....
I finally realized the best way to die was at Armageddon, because no one would miss me and I would know for a fact that was the right thing to have happened to me. I fell asleep to that thought.
The next morning, my little brother came into my room and noticed my gloomy look, and he was through with it. So he stroke a surprising conversation that revealed we were both very ungappy with "the Truth". That finally opened my eyes, and the second I allowed myself to THINK for myself, I had an endless list of reasons why the Jehovah's Witnesses could not be the one true religion. It was extremely surprising to me the feeling of FREEDOM and PEACE I had just admitting to myself that I was on the wrong path, and I needed to get off of it.
Of course, that's when the hard stuff started. How do I tell my parents (I already sort of did)? Do I just stop attending the meetings and service? What about my Bible students? How do I tell my friends? I don't know anyone or anything about the world, how do I jump in? IS there a true religion? Is the Bible even inspired by God? Does God even exist????
It's only been a couple weeks, so I'm still trying to figure out a lot of it. What I really feel right now is that I need to talk to others that have been through this, because my brother is just as clueless as I am. Difference is, he was never too active in the truth, so he doesn't have friends from the hall calling and e-mailing every day, and he's busy enough with college to not mind wasting a few hour at meetings and even Sunday service.
If anyone would like to talk, my MSN messenger address is [email protected].
