Greetings, dear worldly householder of the birdseed class, I'm a member of the great crowd of other sheep, or Jonadabs (who are not marked in the forehead as would have been the case for one of the Eternal Remnant Class of 144,000 whose membership was closed 64 years ago until New Light from the Great Teacher of Progressive Revelation caused it to be understood that vacancies would from time to time occur), rendering sacred service to the Ancient of Days in the earthly courtyard of the spiritual temple by following the example of the fine shepherd and engaging as a member of the Pioneer Class in preaching the Good News of the Kingdom with the mouth-borne sword of the spirit now the 2,300 symbolic evenings have passed. We are helping warn those not familiar with the Divine Name that the second presence of the Chief Agent of Life who returned after being resurrected but not in his own body which was dematerialized into gases and after then being out of action has now already begun, and has in fact been in progress now for 86 years, and that no one else has noticed this totally obvious but wholly invisible event is irrefutable proof both that it is true and that our faith is the one true, all other ones being from their father, Satan The Devil. We have a lot of proof to justify this reasonable view, including evidence as yet undiscovered. Which reminds me that you may hear disturbing things about our Disciple-making and Kingdom-preaching work, and this shall be from vomit-eating dogs who speak with forked tongues, thereby proving we are the only true footstep followers of the one whose words are like a lamp to my foot. Among the fine spiritual food at the appropriate time that we shall serve now that the unsealing is done is the certain knowledge that very, very soon the final moments of the last days of that period known in venerable tradition as "the time of the end" will begin to reach their ultimate culmination when the disgusting thing that is the United Nations and the scarlet-colored Wild Beast of Revelation will turn upon the Great Harlot and thereby destroy Babylon the Great, the World Empire of False Religion, beginning the Great Tribulation which is climaxed by Har-Magedon - at which time all not associated with The Truth that leads to everlasting life will be destroyed forever together with this wicked system of things. The present ruler of the world, now in Tartarus, will be thrown into the abyss for the rest of the last Adam's millennial (thousand year) reign until the second judgment. However, antitypical apostate Jerusalem with her man of lawlessness Class is supporting the false prophet and fighting against the spirit-anointed remnant of spiritual Israel, the ambassadors of heavenly Jerusalem, and their envoys, who are keeping themselves without spot from the world and who would rather go to Sheol or Hades than Gehenna by rejecting the theocracy proclaimed by the Faithful and Discreet Slave Class and the Governing Body of God the grandfather's visible Organization, the spiritual paradise on earth today. So, if you don't want to be destroyed, here's a programme schedule for the Kingdom Hall, where you can come and learn much more about Evil Cults, New Jerusalem, New Heavens, New Earth, New Commandments, New Birth, New Song, New Creation, New Personality, New 'a god', New Bible Chapters (twice a month), New Comma, New Covenant, New Light - and even a New Gospel never taught before. Thank you for your time.. which is not to be confused with "a time" and "times and half a time". Without a doubt.
Optionally, Farkel's Addendum may be inserted if the conversation flags or if the householder appears confused. Here it is again:
"1914" A.D. is the single most important date in our doctrine, and is the result of using 607 B.C as an "anchor date", using the book of Daniel, Chapter 4, as proof. This is based upon the following, simple reasoning: 7 "times" doesn't mean "7 times". It means "7 years". But, "7 years" doesn't really mean 7 "years", either. It means "7 years of days" - obvious. But, the "days" in "years of days" doesn't really mean "years of days, in which the days actually mean "days", but means "years of days, in which the "days" actually mean "years". Therefore, it is easy for even a worldly fool to see that "7 times" REALLY means "7 years" but which really means "7 years of days", but which then really means "7 years of days which aren't really days, but years", or simply stated "7 years of days of which days are really years". To put it even so a child can understand it, it means that the "times" aren't "times" at all, but are "years", which aren't "years" at all, but are "years of days", which aren't "days" at all, but are "years" AFTER all, even though they were originally CALLED "times"! Got all that? There's more. Strangely, however, for all of this to work, this fulfillment, based upon an ANCIENT text, still requires the use of the ANCIENT calendar for the MODERN fulfillment to work out to 1914. Therefore, ancient text + ancient calendar = modern date in modern calendar. When doing your calculations, don't forget that there is no "zero year" from B.C to A.D. someone entirely unconnected with God's spirit-breathed organization forgot that and was quite embarrassed about it. Lastly, the book of Daniel was prophesied to remain "sealed" until the "last days", which, as we know, began in 1914, according to the simple reasoning just presented. So, the person had to figure out a way to, somehow "unseal" Daniel before it was prophesied that Daniel WOULD be "unsealed" so he could then put forth a prophecy which pointed to exactly when Daniel WAS to be "unsealed", namely at the start of the "last days", in 1914. He, therefore, successfully used a "sealed" book to calculate the exact date it was to be "unsealed", which at that time it was officially, "unsealed", but Russell "unsealed" it before that, because he wanted to know beforehand when it WOULD be "unsealed", because only THEN would he know when the "last days" were to start, which was, of course, when Daniel actually WAS to be "unsealed". Any questions?
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Focus
((c) Someone or other - thanks; substantially refurbished by Focus! Class)
Hey! Now you are an outie, you can dance too!