Don't get me wrong, this isn't a call for help or anything like that. I'm not about to do anything stupid, just feeling a little down and exhausted tonight. I feel defeated, even though I don't feel as if I'm battling anything. I guess thats partially true, as I've been physically ill for the past few weeks or so. This past week, I finally caved in and emailed my PCP, and she put me on an antibiotic, so I'm starting to get my health back. The weather might be playing a role as well, maybe I'm having a bit of seasonal depression, I don't know. We were slammed with snow yesterday and last night. Tonight and through tommorrow, we have a serious cold front coming through. So I'm not planning on leaving the pad anytime soon this weekend, with the exception of the meeting this Sunday so long as I'm not still coughing excessively. You know, I'm actually looking forward to the meeting this Sunday? I guess I'm at the end of my rope.
This mood I'm experiencing, I can't really blame it on the JW crap, as its not really whats affecting me at this time. I'm just really unsatisfied with life right now. I can't seem to find pleasure in too much of anything. Had I known this is what reaching your early thirties was about, and I had the option of an off switch with no emotional hangups, or repurcussions, I'd consider it. During my lunch break today, I walked through town, and the world just looked wicked to me. I couldn't even find the crazy or homeless alcoholics entertaining. I enjoy conversing with them usually. Surprisingly you can learn some interesting things from the outsiders of this society. Their teeth might be missing, their clothing smells like funk on steroids, and they may be winos, but they do have some insight worth considering, and great senses of humor. Today, I just didn't want to hear it.
I went up to an ATM machine, and took out ten dollars, the bill ripped, and the machine sucked back in one half. I thought to myself, great. Thankfully the bank was open, and the tellers have access to the machine. So I explained the situation to this teller, and she responded that if the other half is in the machine, she'll see what she can do for me. Otherwise she stated, I'd have to file a dispute. I'm thinking, yeah whatever. While she was doing that, I struck up a conversation with a security guard working the bank. I asked him, whether or not he gets any action. He smiled at me and said, "hell yeah, I do. I'm not a bad looking fella bruh." I clarified what I meant with him, "thats not what I meant. I mean as a security guard, do you get any action in here. You ever have to handle a situation in here?" I guess I disappointed him, being that I didn't want to discuss the Romeo side of his profession. By that time, thankfully the teller came back with the other half of my ten dollar bill. She took my half, and then gave me a crisp new ten dollar bill. I always wondered how they handled these situations. I shook the security guard's hand and wished him a good weekend and went back to work. Any other day, I would have loved to engage him just to see how far he'd go exagerating to me about his romantic prowess. But, not today, I wasn't in the mood.
Earler this evening, I was browsing through some old comic books which I've always loved, and I just tossed them across the room. Megatron threatening to eviscerate Blitzwing as thoroughly as he did Starscream, just didn't bring a smile to my face. I tried drinking a beer, and it tasted gross, as if urine would have been more to my liking. I fried a pork chop an hour ago, and it tasted foul to me, I might as well have attempted eating it raw. With the exception of discussing Cibulkova with Minimus earlier today, even beautiful women have me going, meh. I feel like even if Cibulkova was in my room right now, and there for the taking, and begging me, I'd ask her kindly to leave. I tried reading the Bible, and found it to be insufficient. I went to my Edgar Allan Poe collection, and his words which usually delight me, irritated me in this instance. Right now I'm finding some comfort in my bedroom being dimly lit, with a cup of tea. I'm looking at a bottle of Xanax, and Ambien, and I haven't touched either in a couple weeks. I kinda want to tune off and out tonight, as in black out, and not wake up until preferably 10 to 10:30 am. Matter fact, I think I just found my outlet, kind of like running into an old genuine friend who never lets me down.
Let me ask you, and I feel like I've done this same thread a million times, but let me ask you, you ever go through this? Particulary those of you who supposedly did what you were supposed to in the way of adult responsibilities, did life ever become a drag in your thirties or forties? If it did, was there anything that brightened your outlook?