My Story....Long and Im sorry

itsbeenalongtime

Ok...So this is my story.. I'm not sure why I have to post this..Maybe more for myself than others...

Back 2002 I had a my daughter. I was 18. Her father was was pretty much an awful mate and never worked....the same old story.... Anyway a long story short we ended up moving in with his Aunt, who at the time, was a sister. I had never even heard of Jehovah's Witnesses before so I was intrigued and wanted to learn more.. At the time I was working 2 jobs and going to college so I didn't have much time for studying, so I would just go to the meetings from time to time. When her nephew and I split up she was so kind to me.. She helped find my own place and even drove me to college every day (over a 30min drive one way). I just remember feeling so loved by her so I agreed to study with her friend. I studied but in the mean time my X's aunt left the truth. I could not understand this.. So I stopped my study. However a year later I stated it back up and ended up getting baptized. I dropped out of college, moved and changed my whole life. I stop talking to all my friends and family members ... for my new found "family". I was super happy and loved everyone The same day I was baptized I could feel a difference in people...It was very cold... Some of my "best friends" didn't even watch me get baptized ( for some reason this really bothered me because I gave up so much and they couldn't even walk into the next room for me...).. I also found it to be really strange that everyone kept saying to me, you are eligible now because you are baptized...This one sister kept asking about her son...I felt she was trying to set me up with him and I always thought he was nice so I just went a long with it. I thought it was perfect..He was a son of an Elder. For the next few months this sister would have me over at least once a week (or at least make sure I was in service with her)...Then one day she called me and told we needed to talk because someone had complained that I had sat in the front seat with her son out in service...I thought how petty.....But as I learned more and more about people in the "truth" this kinda childish drama is an everyday thing...... So anyway, she said to me we just have to be careful of what people see.... So I thought "ok no big deal" So as time went one her son would call me everyday, I would always talk to his mom 1st so it was not "dating".....SO one day I got really sick of the whole quite game and just told the son that I liked him and lets make this official.... He said he wanted too but he didn't want others to think bad of him because i was so new in the truth. So we ended up seeing each other alone all the time for about 3 months. This ened up being the worst thing I could have ever done. Its hard hard to talk about but this brother ended up raping me 3 times. He tried a fourth time but I was able to stop him.... I told him he should go to the elders or I was going to call the police...He begged an begged and made me feel so guilty. He would say things like "It was your idea to meet at your house alone" and "I didn't rape you, you wanted it just as much as I did". And "its your word or mine and my father is an elder and my grandfather is an elder...You think they are going to even believe you?" ..At the time I kept thinking about the experience in the Bible of Dina and how If I didn't allow this it would have never happened...So I never told anyone. In fact me writing this is the 1st time I have ever said anything.... So anyway...Because i would never answer my door anymore when he came, he would start driving by my house and parking up the street so he could watch me, I guess..... He would leave flowers on my back door when I wasn't home and notes...Anyway to let me know he was still watching me. So finally I went to the elders, but because I was embarrassed about the rape I never told about it. I only told about how this brother was stocking me. The elders ended up telling me that he was at fault but because I was the older one (I was 22 and he was 17) I should know better to have him come over alone and Because I kept talking to him I was leading him on....I wrote him a letter asking him to please leave me alone and this was the proof they had that I was leading him on...They said it was confusing to him because in it I said I cared for him but also said I wanted him to leave me alone..I tried to explain to them that all I was trying to me nice in saying I cared about him but I really with all my heart was scared of him. I also explained to him about how his father and mother both knew we were dating, unofficially and one elder said I was flat out lying. I even had an email from another sister saying that the parents knew, and they wouldn't even read it!!!!!!! I could not believe it!!.........I just felt so sick and could not understand why It was my fault when I was begging him to leave me a lone..I kept praying and praying and nothing...So I said to myself I am not giving up on Jehovah, after all that was all I had left. A few months past and then one day I got a knock on my door..I had no idea who it could be......When I opened it it was a brother that was the best friend of the brother that was still stocking me... He begged me to come in and said if anyone caught him he would be in so much trouble as he was a pioneer. I let him in...He sat on my couch and cried. I didn't understand what had just happened and he said I know what my best friend has done to you..I was floored because I thought he was talking about the rape..but he wasn't. He was talking about all the stocking and the lies he told the elders. He told me he wanted me to know he was going to go to his elders about him..He said his friend kept bragging to him about all the time he left things on my back door to scare me and how I was just a tramp and the elders would never believe anything I said so he could do whatever he wanted too... At this point I was crying too and told him we could go to the elders together. He said he call me in a few days and he left..... Well he never called but he came over and we talked more.....This went one for about 2 months and we still hadn't told the elders anything. We were trying to gather proof. Like we printed out my phone bill showing him calling 31 times in one day!!!!!!!! and we took photos of him parked out side of my house.. but in the mean time I fell in love with this brother and I guess because we were so low spiritually from this mess we ended up sleeping together......The very next day we I called him and said we have to tell the elders We have to do what is right. He agreed and we told the elders. We were both publicly reproved. This is something I can except full responsibility for......However I cant get past some things....For example I met with my Judaical committee 3 times each about 2 hours each time and they wanted to talk more about the brother that was stocking me more than what I had done...Its as if they didn't even care. I remember the day before I was to meet with the elders the last time...The brother that was stocking me was sitting in my kitchen when i got home from work...I started to run and he grabed me and pinned me against the wall...I literally thought he was going to kill me. (Mind you I was 110lbs and this brother was close to 300lbs.) I aksed him to please let me go that i would stop talking and would just leave the truth because I was done anyway, that I couldnt take anymore... He just laughed and let me go but he made me sit at my k itchen table. He told me stop crying because he had talked to Caleb (this was an elder on my committee) He told me all these details about my meetings...Stuff I had only told the elders...For example he knew I was pregnant..I had told NO ONE but those 3 elders. He also told me I was going to be publicly reproved because I had been baptized such a short time...He ended up leaving because my sister came to my front door so he went out the back. Once he left I couldn't even let my sister in because I couldnt get out of my chair..I think I was in shock, I don't know. Anyway, when I went back to meet with the elders the last time they had said to me all the things that this brother had said they were going to say........I couldnt believe it and just shut my mouth. I knew if I were to keep talking I was just digging my own ditch. My only goal at the point was to talk to the other brother that had been helping me. 2 months later I married this bother (out of the hall of course since we were not in good standing witch I didn't mind being I didn't want those elders giving my talk anyway)...

That was almost 3 years ago........ Since then is has taken my husband and I, 2 1/2 years to just to get answering back. It took us 6 more months to get the school back and I have my 1st talk next week...We are good about meetings and service too. We are not the best at making it on Saturday but I try during the week and we do try on Saturdays. Too me I feel like this is all because people are holding a mean grudge against my family...It should not take so long for us to have something as simple as answering....I mean anyone from off the street can come in and answer but we couldn't...We love Jehovah so much and I feel like people took all our joy away in serving Jehovah. I was unable to have a baby shower for my baby, I was uable to have a wedding where my friends could come, and in fact the people that did come to my weeding all lost privileges. My daughter was treated like an out cast, all her friends stopped talking to her and no one asked her to come over anymore ( that is hard to understand when you are 5 -8).

Meanwhile the brother that raped me became a pioneer, and was just appointed an MS about 6 months ago.......He never lost any privileges, even with all the proof of him stocking me. His father who knew about us dating was never removed either....Not that I want to see something bad happen to him because he has no idea about the rape but He pushed and pushed us together when he shouldn't have been. He even had my daughter calling him grandpa.... But still to this day it remains that I am the bad evil demon that wont make in to the new system anyway..........I don't know what to do because I keep saying that Jehovah knows and he will take care of it...but how can Jehovah appoint the person that raped me?!?! He is the one detecting these brothers right??? I guess I dont believe he really is and so I am trying to fade away without being DF'ed because I love my kids and cant stand to see them lose out on there family talking to them because of me. My husband and I love each other very much but I have never told him about the rape. I just cant. He will make me go to the elders and I cant go threw the drilling of questions just to be told I'm lying...This is caused a lot of problems between him and I and soemtimes I think I should just take the kids and move. Then I wouldn't have to face all these people... I mean why should I have too, I dont own them anything. I don't need to explain to them what I am doing, right? Sorry this is super long just needed to do a little venting I guess. More tomorrow.. Night all.

Retrovirus

Thank you for sharing. I've never been a jw, but have been through a painful divorce and "shunned" by family members, so I feel your pain.

I'm sure it was because of those things that I "studied" with jw's; guess I would have done anything for a bit of encouragement and affection then!

What pulled me through was the need to be a strong single parent for my two.

Whatever the rest of your story, and whatever the future brings, I devoutly hope that you and your kids make it through to a happy and free adulthood.

Warmest wishes, Retro

cyberjesus

well, first of all welcome to the forum. I know you must be under alot of stress.....you are safe here but... but... you must know that coming to this board will get you in trouble with your husband and the elders...... so brace yourself.

do you believe the organization is the truth? do you think God is really controlling everything?

There is abook written by a former member of the Governing Body that will bring you sooo much information on the organization. Crisis of consciece.. lookit up

itsbeenalongtime

Cyberjesus - I dont know what to believe anymore.... I want to belive that Jehovah is real and that our life has a meading and purpose and I do believe alot that witness teach....However I dont know if what the teach is used in the right way or that everything is true. I know that I believe is God....They always use the exapmle of how all we haev to do it look at creation to believe in a maker and for I do believe this.....but is Jehovah has placed these men in charge to help us lost sheep when why doesnt it seem to go worng so many times........I hate to have a harden heart but what could anyone have after being told lies that have ruined a persons life?

itsbeenalongtime

Also I will be buying that book thank you for the info :) My husband knows I dont believe it anymore but he doesnt know I am on here...I dont think they could point it back to me...I never put my congergation...Right? or should I still watch out?

cyberjesus

I know, believe me I know. Most people here know. We ve gone through that.. take it easy. Regardles of what we believe or not believe you can say it here. some might listen some might judge you but you CAN talk. nobody will go to the elders and you wont get into another relationship for writting here.

Question everything.

My Story....Long and Im sorry

itsbeenalongtime

Retrovirus

cyberjesus

itsbeenalongtime

itsbeenalongtime

cyberjesus

itsbeenalongtime

cyberjesus

itsbeenalongtime

DagothUr

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