Perhaps the biggest fear I have of leaving is the ensuing gossip that will follow. I know it's stupid to worry about what will be said about me once I'm "out," but it kills me inside. Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't already deal with my fair share of gossip as it is while still "in." I'll tell you this much though: since my fade, I haven't gossiped nearly as much as I used to!!! I'm soooo much less judgemental and have met so many interesting people from different backgrounds that were routinely villified in my Dub upbringing.
Without revealing too much about my identitiy, I'll share with this board the hurtful accusations that have been hurled my way over the years:
I'm a single, 30-something male. Never married, no kids. Do the math. What do YOU think I've had to deal with flying around the Dub grapevine my entire adult life? Much earlier, in my late teens/early 20's, I was hauled into the B-room while serving as an MS and asked if I was "a homosexual" because "some people may be wondering." That pissed me off. I had just turned this elder's daughter down after she asked me out and the next meeting, I was yanked to the back. I told them I was not (tee-hee!!! not active anyway, I am quite bisexual and desperately tried to conceal it for years--since 7th grade to be precise). But that was such a rude awakening for me and it bothered me long before my fade knowing that my sexuality was being discussed by everyone even though I was still a virgin and would remain so for years after. I switched congregations not long after that.
My parents were also very active with the younger people in the congregation. After they moved out-of-state in my mid-20's, I took over their effort. All of my bible studies were younger, I always reached out to the sad, lonely, "rebel" type young ones who everyone else avoided like the plague. I always took kids (and encouraged their parents to join but rarely with success) out in service on Wednesday afternoons when they were done with school. It really bumped my FS time and got kids out in the Cervix Menstruy who would otherwise never have gotten an opportunity to participate. I'd get the occasional "thank you" and "Oh you're so good to the young people" but then it seemed that I was the person who was expected to provide transportation or "babysit." Usually, I'd end up having to chaperone...at least it felt that way. One reason I decided to fade was hearing nasty rumors about me giving "too much attention to younger people" and that was very hurtful...especially knowing that there is an epidemic problem with child predators within this organization. I assure you all that is simply NOT the case with me. I grew up in a youth-friendly and very stable environment. I identify more with the youth than I do with the boring, stoic, "elder and pio-wife" crowd, anyway. My mom is the same way to this day! That's no sin at all, but some of the nasty slander that spread about me was very hurtful. Before my fade, I stopped ALL efforts to reach out to the teens in my congregation and became very jaded. I mean, here I was, giving my time, energy, resources and money to help these "weak" parents' kids become more active in spiritual activities and the only payback I got was either expected, unappreciated obligations to pick their kids' butts up every Wednesday or hateful rumors. It's apparent that genuine predators have more rights and protection from the BOE and WBT$ than a perfectly harmless, well-intended guy like me. It's sad, because the real victims of my discouragement were the youth of that hall. I had to cut them off because I was uncomortable. They were confused as hell, needless to say but it was so embarrassing and hurtful I couldn't bring myself to tell them why I ditched them. After my fade, many of them eventually left on their own accord (thank GOD) and now they are happy, stable adults who occasionally run in to me at hookah bars LOL. I suppose I'm ALSO to blame for their tattoos, facial hair and worldly spouses now??? Probably! Anyway, I have had the chance to explain what I had to put up with to the ones I ran in to and they agree--it's total BULL$#!t.
At one point, I was very interested in a gorgeous sister but dating within the congo was a nightmare. The scrutiny. The back-biting. The rumor. The gossip. Never again. Most of the people hurling the slander were the ones who complained to elders about us sitting together at meetings and holding hands. Now faded, I am finally able to pursue healthy relationships outside of that windowless brick box and I've never been happier!!! I cannot believe how much more enjoyable the dating game is when you're not under the giant magnifying glass! And the best part is, especially at work, I can scope chicks who are not only gorgeous, but emotionally stable, intelligent and educated like I am! I'm sorry, but a home-schooled pioneer sister is nothing but an emotional, financial time bomb. And yes, I've even had a few opportunities to play for the "other team" too--GUILT-FREE!
So, once I officially leave, the rumors will fly about Dario. And that concerns me, even though I'll be moving on. In the back of my mind, I'll still wonder what they're saying about me now. I'm almost tempted to show up at a memorial 5 years from now with a shiny convertible and a beautiful wife and kids just to prove them all wrong! Is that normal? I know it doesn't make sense, but is it normal?
What specific gossip/slander have you all had to endure? How did you cope? Does it still bother you knowing you're likely the topic of car group gossip and B-room meetings? How do you reconcile that??? Do you eventually get over it? I am like Ellen Degeneres, desperate for everyone to just "like" me and it kills me when my efforts fail. I want CLOSURE. I want to prove them all WRONG. I'm a decent, loveable guy and they'll never realize it.