Hello, people.
I just want to start by expressing gratitude toward all members of this forum. I have been reading for the last month or so experiences and information that had not been available to me years ago when I was going through chronic depression and isolation. I wish I could be more 'brave' and show some current little JWs the way to this forum, but I am afraid of getting them in trouble :p We all know how sites like this are to them.
With that covered, first, a few things about me:
I'm actually young, twenty-one this year, I come from a family of five who lives in a city without any family nearby. I moved to LA looking for my own sanity, trying to put as much distance between me and those who harmed me. I come from the Chicago area. My congregation was/is in Spanish, most of them Latino brothers and sisters, and to be honest, they were very nice people (well, if you were a fellow brother or sister) and a sizable amount of the members were truly inspired to do kind deeds. Well, the older people that is. The young people, now that's another story...
I do have to admit that I was shocked to find out it wasn't just a one congregation problem: the smug. If you weren't baptized, forget it, they'd be 'marginally' nice at best, ignore you as if scum, the worst. Because my mother was so intent to be in their good graces, she would bend over backwards to their will. My father, an educated man (my mom only finished seventh grade), fought against my mom's wishes to submit our whole lives to them. Many fights were fought because of how they used to treat us, fights that I also participated in, being the oldest of the three kids and noticing how EVERYONE looked down upon us. My mom, however, in her own fervor of being accepted, never admitted to this. Till this day I cannot understand how she could be in such denial, and to an extent, how I was brainwashed into accepting this treatment as 'loving'.
Fast forward four years, I am now sixteen and because, even though none of us were baptized and my dad still wouldn't actively participate in the meetings, my mother and I preached MANY hours, answered MOST questions at our book study, KISSED MANY behinds :p, and had been inquiring about getting baptized, most of these same people who had looked down at us were now brotherly indeed. Still, not going to lie, I was still feeling disconnected. No matter how much I tried reading and understanding the bible, I just couldn't. No matter how much I prayed to a God I tried to fear lovingly, I couldn't feel the love. No matter how much I preached, no matter how much I prepared myself with excellent answers, no matter how much I highlighted the study book(I even went as far as writing in sticky notes- the shame), no matter how much I despised myself... I couldn't put my heart on it. For years I had suppressed my true self. For years I denied the pleasure in anything. For years I allowed my very own mother treat me as bad as she did (another story for another day). And so it was, as it happened, that around sixteen I had my first sexual encounter. That first time I also drank. Having been repressed for so long and denied any outlet (it had become so excrutiating to me that my dreams were becoming more and more graphic), the first chance I could, I did it with a bang. At sixteen I also became popular. I have no idea how it happened, but overnight I 'flowered', was pretty, and now the girls at the Kingdom Hall hated me. Soon, it became appearant that the Jehovah Witnesses were not who I thought they were.
I started asking questions they deemed 'impertinent'. Because I am actually educated and proud, and also because I worked my bum off in school to achieve AP classes, those same brothers and sisters who patted me in the back and encouraged me to 'share' my knowledge, were now actively persecuting me. They ratted me out if I wore a short dress to school, if I had black nailpolish, if I dared talk to so many 'worldly' kids, and especially how popular I had become(keep in mind the popular I am referring to is exactly that- popular, not a 'cool' kid. I was very friendly and so had made many friends in many cliques. Even teachers. I was dorky as ever, not ashamed to admit it), but this, of course, was bad, and so I was shunned by the youth in the congregation and along with my siblings, made fun of mercilessly.
Anyway, I just noticed how much I am writing to I will sumarie the events : More sex;elders and brothers and sisters warning me I would end up pregnant and a junkie; got drunk at parent's wedding because I was so unhappy, depressed; suicide attempts;regaining conscience after chucking my happy pills down the toilet; became ballsy enough not give a damn about those bastards whom I was forced to face every week, three days a week; led a small revolution against them :p; along with dad brought to light many things kept secret by the elders and their familie; helped my own siblings and a small number of other misfits in the congregation to question this sham of a religion; left home, engaged, NOT drinking (haven't since 2009 whooo, was never an alcoholic, I saw it more as a rebellion, my alcoholic intake was actually pitiful), NOT addicted to drugs, no kids, no abortions, no STDS or HIV, going to school, no more waking up grouchy, no more suicide attempts, no more chronic depression, no more harming myself.
And that's it. I have soooo many stories to share but uh, maybe I should work on not writing so much :p. I will share them as well, some funny and others not so funny. Because I really hope that someone, anyone, who is trying to get out of this nightmare, can find the courage to do so by reading a stranger's story.
SO, hey everybody, I am The_Raisin, and I love pugs.