by headisspinning 23 Replies latest jw friends
Those of you who have been following my story know that I just 'came out' to my family about being finished with the religion.
Does anyone have advice on how to explain this to the kids? Their ages are 9 & 14 and they are very smart and fully grasp all the issues.
They are living with their father who has brainwashed them. So this is very touchy.
Should I just keep being a good Mom and just lay low? Or should I bring it up?
Bump this thread for a couple of days and you will get loads of advice. Try to weed through it and especially consider advice from anyone in similar situations. You will get some good advice.
I wouldn't begin to know how to give you such advice, but I look forward to reading the good advice that will come from this thread ;)
-Sab
I'm no expert but without custody you are at a disadvantage. I'd try to get the kids.
Also, they will be easier to UN-indoctrinate the younger they are. Don't wait. Read Hassan's books, follow his advice, as well as some of the experiences here. Oz has been chronicling his work with his teenage son and daughter and the successes and failures along the way. At this point he seems to be having more success with the younger of the two and don't be surprised if the same ends up going for you.
But you MUST get time with the kids and it has to be WAY BETTER for them than the time spent with their JW dad.
Good luck.
The fact that you aren't sure how, means you should not "come out", at least not in one fell swoop. You don't know their reaction, and it could easily backfire.
Instead, make sure that they know you as a person of concience. IOW, show them that you care about and take a strong stand on important things in life, but that you also respect letting other people (like your kids) chart their course in life. Hint: getting 10 hours a month in service is not an important thing in life; getting a good education, having an inquisitive mind, being active in making the world a better place, treating people as equals (men, women, racial and sexual minorities, etc etc), appreciating art and music, having hobbies that you love.... these sorts of things are important.
If you see a neat looking volkswagon bug on the streett tell your daughter that you think it fits her personality and you think she'll probably end up driving off to college in a bright yellow bug. That sort of thing; you could probably very organically find 10 subtly subversive topics per day if you keep on the lookout for opportunities to informally witness ;)
See how easy it is to provide a better alternative to the witnesses?
You know how the lame shit your ex-husband does and says makes you roll your eyes? The trick is to get your kids rolling their eyes at their dad's religiously inspired lameness along with you. Don't let them see your anger, but do let them know that you aren't distancing yourself from "the truth" because you are lazy, or just want to do your own thing, but rather because you don't see it as "the truth".
Ahhhh... I like how you think SixofNines. And it makes me really happy too because I have already started that.
My daughter had to dress up for school in a costume of what she wants to be when she grows up. She dressed up as a Vet.
Well, that requires University, right? So I really encouraged her.
She also said she wants to be a teacher but doesn't see how she can do that because of the national anthem.
I just told her that in this day and age her employers would have to accept her religion and that if that's what she wants to do I will help her figure all those details out later.
Is that a good start?
And with my mom, I already told her that with our baby we plan to raise him with morals and we are going to tell him the honest truth about our lives as soon as he's old enough.
We will explain why his siblings don't celebrate the holidays. I can't see us starting to celebrate now but he will be allowed to experience what happens at school and then decide for himself.
Just the same as the other kids. As far as I'm concerned - JW or not - I always wanted them to be free to decide for themselves. Whatever they decide for themselves - as long as it's not through manipulation - I will support them.
I encourage you to 'come out' with love, an unconditional love for your kids no matter what,..they will never hear of such talk in the organization. Try to show a joy of life. Do things with them that are real that they would by their nature love and enjoy. Help them to tap into reality. Encourage honesty of their real feelings. Encourage them to be respectful of all people and not judgemental. Encourage them with peacefulness too.
How many hours do you have them weekly?
Officially I have 50/50 custody but in our agreement it's said that neither parent will pressure them one way or the other. I have tried to abide by that as my ex obviously has NOT!
So right now, I see them when they are not at school, at the meeting, in service, having family worship or otherwise busy.
I just get stuck with the bill because unless I have them at least 40% of the time I pay child support.
My ex is fully aware of that and makes sure to throw enough road blocks up that I can't get anywhere close to that amount of time.
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it's said that neither parent will pressure them one way or the other.
The money part finally comes out- (what else has been left out?) document everything and go back to court for an adjustment- obviously that 50% rule is made to be abused.
I have a saying, If men got custody of the children in a divorce and it was the mothers who had to pay child support, "there would be a helluva lot more deadbeat moms than there ever were deadbeat dads". Your hands are tied- , until you come to terms on child support/custody your ex controls the cards here. Good luck.
Hi headsspinning, I vote for being a good Mom and wait for your kids to ask you questions. Show your kids that you love them and they will see the truth. I would take them places that you and they enjoy, maybe go to non-JW friends birthday parties, and parks where they can make new non-JW friends. If they ask you questions, give them short, concise, and top-level answers without a lot of details. Sometimes adults' answers to kids questions are too complex and provide kids more information than they wanted.
If you can afford it, I would contact a good child counselor about what to do.
Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,
ABibleStudent
