Need help confronting my father..sorry for the length

by grewupjw1969 10 Replies latest social entertainment

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  grewupjw1969

  Hi everyone, I am in need of some help. I'm 42 and was a born-in although I have never been baptized. As a teenager I had a lot of problems and eventually ran away several times. At the age off eightteen I confronted my dad about an extra marital affair he was having. Needless to say soon thereafter I was "asked to leave". I was sent to Job Corps where I met my future husband. I did become pregnant at the age of nineteen. When my parents found out they were livid, to say the least. During my preganacy my mother revealed to me that my dad was not my biological father and that my being pregnant hurt him because "he took me in and took care of me when he didn't too!" WTH?! Well this was all she or he would say about the matter, no matter how many times I asked them to elaborate. Well, in 2005, by way of some JW relatives attending a funeral out of state, it was revealed who my bio dad was. His children contacted me. I again tried to talk to my parents about the matter and they refused; to the point that my mom asked me not to call her home anymore because I was upsetting her husband. I should also say that our relationship has been very rough due to mistakes I made as a teen and also one HUGE mistake as an adult. My mom passed away in 2006 and ever since I have tried to repair the relationship with my dad. He has some issue with me that he doesn't express what it is. I'm pretty sure that its because i'm not a JW. I need to know how and what to say, as tactfully as possible, to him so that I can find out what the issue is. He is an elder. I guess I really just want him to just say he doesn't want to talk to me. Yet that would mean that he would not be able to accept the help I give him, like helping him around the house and such. If anyone can help I'd appreciate it.

  Grewup
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  nugget

  Your father feels rejected, you confronted him over his affair, you rejected his religion and you have found out that you are not his child. It is a lot to cope with for both of you. Despite all of this you still call him your father but it may be He has tried to distance himself emotionally, after all your mother referred to him as her husband not your father. I would send a letter rather than a more direct approach initially it will give you time to craft what you say and will be less confrontational. I will think about it some more.
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  grewupjw1969

  Thanks Nugget. I was thinking of a letter too
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  nugget

  I would write something like this.

  Dear Dad,

  I know that we have not always had the smoothest relationship and that at times my choices have dissappointed you and hurt you. I am sorry for being the cause of pain because despite our disagreements I do love you and see you as my father. It is true that we often hurt those we love because we feel confident that love is unconditional and that forgiveness is always an option.

  In Matthew we are encouraged to resolve our differences with those close to us because Jehovah understands how conflict can unbalance us and distract us. I feel that I have deeply offended you and would like to repair the damage I have done so that we both can be free of the stress the problems between us bring. I feel that we need to talk this through and put it behind us.

  I would like to be a help to you, I appreciate all you did for me growing up and how hard you tried and I will never forget that you were there for me as a real Dad. I would like to have the opportunity to be a real daughter to you now and give you help and support.

  You can follow the letter up with a call or request that he call you but at least it will give you a starting point. Please feel free to accept or reject the advice it is a tricky problem and you have more understanding of the issues behind the estrangement than I. You will get much good advice from people who have had to deal with difficult situations.

  Good luck
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  sizemik

  Many JW parents disown and shun their children . . . just for leaving the religion. Add to the equation the fact that you are not his biological child and you have had some rough times in the past, can only make distancing himself more justified and easier.

  Having said that . . . if you want to close the distance, then Nuggets suggestion is the answer. Not only does it give you the opportunity to carefully fashion what you want to convey . . . but it means you will be "heard" uninterrupted. A letter can also be read and re-read.

  Good luck with it.
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  ambersun

  grewupjw69, I really sympathise with your predicament, and I also agree that a carefully composed letter is the best option as you are in complete control of what you write and your father will be able to read the letter over and over again.

  In my humble opinion the letter nugget has composed is perfectly worded and shows compassion, humility, the true remorse of a daughter who has grown up and deeply regrets the hurt she caused him during her younger years, but most importantly, it shows love.

  A letter like this will prove to your father that you have not rejected him and that your dearest wish is to re-kindle your father and daughter relationship, which should be a comfort to him at the very least. Even if he does not respond immediately, he may go back to that letter and re-read it and, given a bit of time to digest it, will hopefully respond positively to it.

  My very best wishes to you, my dear
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  grewupjw1969

  Thanks to all of you. This has truly been hard for me. Nugget, what you wrote is perfect and with your permission, will use it. I seriously doubt that he will respond, but I am able to accept that. Again thanks.

  Grewup
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  itscrap&theyknowit!

  @greupjw 1969 - I feel for you. This is, by far, the worst feeling in the world aside from losing a loved one in death. I agree with NUGGET. He is distancing himself emotionally. You've exposed him. For alot of JWs, people in genereal, things done in the dark will eventually come to light. You are 'that light'. You could still have him exposed just with conversation with other JWs, if you were to return to the KIngdom Hall. He could be afraid that this exposure could still bring him down, as it were. He is just like a snake. Viporous and cunning he is. He has to keep up appearances AT ALL TIMES knowing that you are lurking in the wings. He needs to be ready to strike at any given moment. You will ALWAYS have something to hold over him. He doesn't know if you'll surface with this information one day. He may be looking at you with the eyes of having a 'motive-based' relationship. I have sat back and watched MANY witnesses as time has gone by since I nolonger attend. They know there are things that I know about them that could possibly take them off their 'thrones'.

  I hope that the letter will suffice. And, like noted, your Dad may read it over and over. If Jehovah, and not the Borganization, is TRUE to him his heart will soften and come to love his daughter.
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  grewupjw1969

  @itscrap&theyknowit: He does feel that way, IMHO. He doesnt know what I will say to anyone else, particularly my sister. Her and I are about ten yrs apart and were not close until after my moms death. He even told me one day that he didn't want me talking to her because he didn't know what we were talking about. Funny thing is, she has told me things that I thought she didn't know. Sometimes I wonder if it really is all worth it.

  Grewup
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  willyloman

  Sometimes I wonder if it really is all worth it.

  It isn't. Give yourself permission to stop; start by reading this:

  http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Confront-Your-Toxic-Relationships