Part 11: The Amalgamated Wedding
By now, tensions between the Elders and me had subsided. We were gearing up for the wedding. My wife and daughters and a visiting JW woman friend were helping with many aspects of the reception and wedding. We had all been circumspect in our behavior so that the wedding would go off without a hitch. We were eager to enjoy the wedding, but also eager to get it done so that we could move forward, and continue into the Void.
We had been to many JW weddings where non-JWs attended and shared in the arrangements, including our own wedding in 1970. But in those days, non-JWs were not a problem, at least none that I noticed. Over the years as rules were invoked from WTS in Brooklyn, I had never before considered what many JW faced with such Amalgamated Weddings. I never understood the tedious decisions to try and please so many with sincere rights and expectation to be involved, without violating the WTS Code of Regulations. This journey was yet another milestone in the Exit.
In the 1970s: JW weddings, though affected by some WTS rules, such as no Rice throwing and preference for Theocratic Music, were still pretty much like non-JW weddings. Non-JW friends and relatives on both sides attended, participated in the Wedding party, photos on the platform, non-JW photographer on the platform with the Speaker. The Receptions likewise had fewer rules, and about the only occasion where JWs and non-JWs had the barrier between them somewhat lowered – where a good level of fellowship was enjoyed beyond the normal JW culture of avoiding the “world.”
By 1992, things had changed: Over the years the Society published Watchtower Articles and sent out BOE letters regarding problems associated with large gatherings including JW weddings. Concerns expressed were over abuse of alcohol, minors drinking, wives and husbands dancing with someone other than their relative or mate, and even allegations of fornication.
The Long Arm of the Sanhedrin (Governing Body) finally had to get into these functions in a more formal way by requiring the appointment of a “Director of the Feast” who would have general oversight of the wedding and reception arrangements. This included a measure of ‘police’ action to assure that alcohol was either discouraged, or strongly monitored, and of course assuring that serious wrongdoing with ‘worldly’ people did not happen. This was to make the occasion in harmony with Theocratic Order and avoid bringing reproach upon Jehovah and his Organization.
Director of the Feast (DOF): My daughter and future son-in-law ask Elder G to perform the ceremony. Fair enough. I would have at the time preferred the PO, but it was their wedding and I did not have a right to say. Then we discussed the DOF assignment. We concluded that asking any of the Elders might pose unexpected problems, so I was asked to be the DOF. I felt that this way, if any imbalance took place, at least I would be in a position to keep the Tribal Elders at bay. This, I figured was my last real official ‘assignment’ and little harm could come of it.
Friends and Relatives, JWs and non-JWs, all arrive for the BIG Day. Until this point, I had little to do other than background support, like running errands, opening the checkbook wide - $600.00 deposit to the Photographer. (On our trip to Arizona, my daughter watched the movie, “Father of the Bride” staring Steve Martin. We loved the movie ... and in some ways I envied the fact that I could not spend $100,000 on a big wedding. LOL ... but our wedding budget was still spendy nonetheless.) Now, with guests arriving, motels rented, people sleeping in our living room, some friends staying with other JW families, the contest to do all things and be all things in the shortened time frame became a challenge that only parents of Brides and Grooms can fully comprehend.
Phase I of the Amalgamation: The scene was like this:
1. The Maid of Honor flew up from California. She was from one of those Super JW families that did everything right. The ones who always manage to have all their kids Pioneering or at Bethel. The kind of JWs that end up on Circuit and District programs about how they work full time, Reg. Pioneer, have all the kids doing all the right things at the right time – as though they have an inside track to the JW leadership. They are good looking, attract all the Big Shots when they come to town from Bethel to give Special talks at Conventions ... those kinds of JWs. And yet they were friends, and lovely people. The maid of honor was a beautiful young lady. Yet, while she stay with my daughter’s in her room, my daughter strikes up ‘Apostate’ discussion with her ... I suppose it was my daughter’s feeling that she too had a right to take her best shot with her close friend.
2. A close JW couple (whom I miss dearly) stayed with us. We had a large 5 bedroom, 3 bath 3,000 SF home. But it still fills up. They stayed in the living room. The wife of the couple is especially close to my wife and still writes to her on occasion. But she is a JW Loyalist and you cannot discuss ‘Apostate’ views with her. Her husband is a close friend of mine ... this man is worth a whole post unto himself. He and I are having secret ‘Apostate’ discussion as we walk around outside the house on the adjoining acreage – but he is still at least half-loyal to the WTS. But he and I had a rare truly trusted relationship within the JW context. His children are likewise in varying degrees of loyalty.
3. My wife’s non JW family are coming and going, and off and on sharing in the discussions of our ‘apostate views, but trying to remember to be watchful so as not to blow our cover before the wedding. So, as you might envision, conversations start, stop, resume, sounds of whispers and hushes and ‘we’ll talk about it laters’ abound.
4. My relative are also coming an going, but they are far more outspoken about our leaving the JWs and keep asking in side bar discussions when we will leave the JWs and ask why we can’t talk freely and openly ... this Soviet-Style religion is something that have never had to deal with like this.
5. Elders and their wives and families and Wedding Party members are coming and going, Dresses being hemmed, corsages in the refrigerator behind the beer and wine. And the Elder signal that you know means can we talk in private a minute – sure, let’s stand over by the hen-house ... the cackling chickens will drown out our private talk. Question about what I will do as DOF and be sure that if we have any Champaign that minors don’t drink, and watch out for so-and-so as they cannot say prayer due to restrictions – and be sure that so-and so does not drink because they are being reproved for a problem. Who are the relatives? Are any in the Truth? Were any studying or interested? On and on useless things that don’t belong in a wedding.
My Brother Arrives: To add in more difficulty, my brother is a very different person form me. He hated Jehovah’s Witnesses teaching and the existence of the WTS with every bone in his body. Because of the religion he and I had to walk a tightrope whenever we got together – meaning I had to keep my religion to myself. Now, he already knows that I am an Ex-JW Electee, so he want to move fast to fully restore ties, and talk openly about how I managed to leave the WTS BS as he put it. Containing my brother is like keeping a wolf from its prey at peak feeding time. Yet, my renewed full fellowship with him would only last another 2 years before he died.
My brother is ten years my senior. He was a Surveillance spy for the government. When I became a JW in 1970, unknown to me at the time, he was brought in for questioning with respect to his security clearance. Many JWs are not aware that when a non-JW relative is in a classified occupation as sensitive as his, that it can cause problems. Membership in certain organizations, such as John Birch, JWs, and others can create difficulty for some people like him. By the time of the wedding he was long out of the spy business, and declassified. I really miss my brother. He is almost an identical twin of the actor Mel Gibson. His mannerisms, voice, gestures and appearance as so much alike that I never miss a Mel Gibson movie – because it is like I am with my brother for a couple of hours.
My younger sister arrives: If there was anyone who hates JWs as much as she it would be my brother. My sister is far more outspoken . She too knew of our soon-to-be-ex-JW status. She could not understand the hush-hush ... she wanted me to just go tell the JW Elders to sit on their thumbs and rotate. She is now 56 years old, but looks like she is 35. Stunning woman. Unfortunately, she takes my mean-spirited Republican views too seriously, because she is a flaming Liberal and proud of it. So now when we fight, it is not about religion, but you guessed it – politics. LOL
So all this merging together of people with differing views and feelings and JWs non-JWs, soon-to-be-ex-JWs, Half JWs, Whole JWs, Elders, and everything in between became an amalgamation that I never dreamed possible. For here is a scene, a situation that defies logic – where Truth is stranger than Fiction.
Wedding Day: After some mismanagement of directions to the Kingdom Hall for visiting friends and relatives, we all manage to get there for the pre-wedding photos. Every again has been cautioned to avoid discussing out ex-JW status ... and go along for the ride, and enjoy the wedding.
What? Where is the Groom’s family? Oh yes! The Groom’s family are themselves an amalgamation of dedicated JWs, Jack-JWs, with a dash of world-lings. But somehow in the mix of events they feel left out of the arrangements and plans. Well, I thought that the parents of the Bride did all the dirty work so the Parents of the Groom could have fun. I didn’t realize they felt left out. I was paying for everything, so why should they care? But then again, did anyone ask them? I felt bad.
The photographer is getting on my back to get the Groom’s family there soon for the photos. So a few in the Wedding party go over to discover the Groom’s family are at least dressed, but sitting around watching TV, drinking beer, and not caring about the time. So, back to the Hall. Photos are taken without the Groom’s family there. It is decided that we will have Groom family photos after the ceremony. Whew! Okay, just a few hours to go ... and this will be behind us.
The Kingdom Hall begins to fill up. My son-in-law is a lifelong JW, and so the whole congregation has known him from birth. Needless to say every JW from miles around is there. The non-JWs are inside mingling, some having small talk and some enduring the “eager-beaver JWs” who are using this fine occasion to give a thorough witness.
My sister walks in. Never before in a Kingdom Hall. She made some complimentary statements about it. Asks me questions about the Information Board, Literature Counter, and where is the “Cross.” Then before I can bat an eyelash, the PO is talking with us, and my sister whispers in our ear that I should take the Reverend aside and just tell him! The PO catches part of this and asks what it is I want to talk about. Please God, let me die! Get me through this and I will owe you another one, BIG TIME! I deflect attention because more friends and relatives walk in. As soon as the PO realizes he has lost my attention, I turn back to my sister and beg her in a very low, but strained voice to PLEASE! Not start this now ... I will try to again explain later. “Well! I just don’t understand and never will!” Okay, Sis, have it your way, but keep your mouth shut.
My Brother arrives: His second visit to a Kingdom Hall. My wedding was the first. He has a cigarette in his hand. I signal to him to put it out. So he steps out for a second, and then back in exhaling smoke. He smiles and we begin talking a second. Elder G steps up and I make introductions. I whisper in my brother’s ear to keep his trap shut. Don’t talk about my views! Got it! He smiles, and gives his Mel Gibson stare with that humor in his eyes.
I get asked away for something, and leave my brother, Joe, behind to be entertained by Elder A. Oh God, why? Why did I do that? I should have grabbed him and drug him with me to keep him from drooling wolf saliva at his newfound opportunity to piss off and scare the beegeebers out of JW Elders. You will find out about this part in another episode ... my brother leaves me a gift that will come back to me after he is dead.
The Ceremony: All are seated. The Music begins. The Bridesmaids begin their procession. Ahhhh ... finally, the moment has arrived. Hang in there with me God – and as soon as this is past, I won’t trouble you for anything for a while. Soon the protocols are complete ... and the prayer and talk begin. Oh NO! I forgot, JW weddings include Pep talks about how wonderful JW-ism is ... the marketing Phase of JW weddings. Yikes!!! I had better keep my eyes on Joe, make sure he does not start something.
As Elder A gets into the whole things about Divine Arrangement, only being terminated by Divine direction in the paradise Earth, etc. I glance at Joe ... it has turned into full fledged White Knuckle Express ... his hands are gripping his arm rests so tightly I can see them starting to come loose. I realize that he is out of tapping and whispering distance. Please God, Please get Joe through this ... it is my daughter’s most important day, and this must go well!
Finally, the request for who gives the Bride away: I stand, and with a strong voice say that her Mother and I do. With that the vows, and the rings, and the finish. The final Pep talk, followed by the Big Kiss and Introducing Mr. and Mrs. ... After the procession exist then a brief announcement about the reception. I pinch myself ... Yep! Still Alive. I kiss my wife and we exchange whispers and happiness and a couple of Thanks God’s that our ex-JW status is still unknown.
We are all now outside ... Photo’s, Photos, and More Photos ... and the Son-in-law’s relatives are now doing Pre-wedding photos ... people are milling around, car groups, directions ... hand shakings, kiss, hugs, all the non-JW relatives being so nice, and guarded ... everything is sliding along smoothly. What’s that I see? Joe! Oh my God, he and Elder G are talking ... with vigor. Oh my Gawd! Joe lights up a cigarette, and of course has to blow smoke at Elder G while he tries to dodge the onslaught of Marlboro Aroma. Joe is giving his dirty grin ... like Mel Gibson about to pull off some sadistic trick on his enemies. Please God! No! ... I run over and inject myself and quickly change the conversation ... shake Elder G’s hand thanking him for a great Talk, and hugging my brother and telling him how glad I am he is with us. Whatever my brother failed to convey before the wedding, he made sure to finish up after the wedding. I was not the wiser, and would not be for a while.
The Reception: Fortunately (luckily now) there were really no problems. The JWs sat on one side, the Groom’s family sat in another quarter of their own, and my family and my wife’s family in another quarter. I have a photo of me, my brother and sister sitting together ... I will scan it and post it ... then you can see Mel Gibson’s double. Ahhh ... the meal is about to begin. Elder G did a strange thing ... he asked me to say prayer. It was odd because as DOR, I am supposed to ask someone to do that – I thought of my son-in-law’s dad to help reduce the tensions from not involving them enough. Elder G said no, that would not be appropriate ... and it is best that I do it. Oh, telling me what to do at my own daughter’s wedding? He had his nerve.
I talk to my daughter and son-in-law. I ask what shall I do? We want you to give prayer ... you can do it dad ... you can keep out the JW junk, but still make the JW feel it is a valid prayer ... you know, the kind they can officially say amen to. My sister overhears that I am giving prayer ... gives me a stare like my Mom used to, and says to me, just don’t get all gushy about Jehovah, a lot of relatives hear just don’t understand that stuff. My brother watches me, and his eyes tell me that I had better be true to who I am ... and don’t pull the marketing the Watchtower bull ... Elder G gives me the look that says ... this is time to Witness to your ‘worldly family and friends. God! Please let me die!
The Prayer: My last official prayer before any assembled group of JWs or non-JWs for that matter. My last act as a JW before the Bovine Excrement hits the fan – and then it will be behind me. The noise of the crowd stills to a hush ... I look out with a pause, like I did at the Circuit Assembly – to buy some time. This is a High School Cafeteria-Auditorium. No microphone available and about 200 guests. I have to speak loud enough to be heard, which means practically yelling out the prayer ... any mistakes either way with JWs, Catholics, Baptists and whatever else is in the mix had to be just right. How do I say a non-denominational prayer when JWs are present? Here goes nothing dear God!
I begin, “Dear Heavenly Father, we are gathered together before you on this happy occasion ... – ... I then address the wedding and our mutual happiness for my daughter and son-in-law and God’s blessing on them, the food, and fellowship, love, family, and the like ... and end with, ... “In the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord AMEN!
Applause! JWs and non-JWs all clapping. The Tribal Elders smiling and clapping. My sister and brother clapping ... I didn’t say Jehovah’s name once nor did I mention any WTS marketing, and I kept the format in JW style. No one was jumping out to kill me. Thank you God! I owe you one more time. We all begin eating, and drinking, and music from a stereo livens up ... non-JW music ... dancing, Groom and Bride. My wife and I ... father and Bride ... sister and brother ... no not brother and brother ... cake, candles, bubbles
... and the afternoon moved into the evening. JWs begin gradually leaving. Family and friends starting saying good-bye. Relatives have to get back to the motels and leave early for their long drives. Bride and Groom get ready to go on honeymoon (gifts to be opened later) ... but they get cash stuffed in pockets to help with their new journey.
I look around and the Elders are all gone. I had barely noticed them leaving. Soon the crowd is down to a few, and my brother and I go for a brief walk and talk. I finally asked what he and Elder G talked about. Hoping to pump him for information so I could be prepared in case I needed to engage in more damage control. He looked at me with that Mel Gibson smiling eyes ... and said, “You’ll find out one day – I left you a gift.” Shortly afterwards he snuffed out his cigarette, and we hugged and said good-bye. I watched my brother drive off – this was the last time I ever saw him alive. Next to my mother, my brother was the most important person in my youth. He was more like a father to me given his ten years over me. I had hoped to recapture some of the strained 25 years we lost due to my being a JW, and have 20 or 30 years ahead of a normal relationship with him. He died less than 2 years later on June 6, 1994.
After the wedding: I moved my office into my daughter’s now empty room. PC, books, desk, shelves and made room in the family room where all this used to be. I sat in her room and felt some sad emotions that my little girl that my wife and I loved to proudly walk through town with her in the stroller – she is now married and gone. It is a bitter-sweet feeling – but, one that every parent has to face.
The wedding was at the end of September. So, I welcomed October as my first month of real peace ... it was done. No more posturing. No more quiet discussion and playing incognito ... no, it was now time to move into the Void ... to start the long journey into our lives as non-JWs ... no, to forget the JW history, and begin to live life as real people – at last.
Loose Ends gone: Elder A was out of my hair. My resignation was in the mail from the local Elders to Brooklyn. Except for the wedding and the one Sunday with the CO visit, I had been away from meetings now for 5 months. My children still attended, and this show kept our family out of the spotlight. No more plans. No more events. No more activities involving the congregation. My family was with me, all supportive. My relatives and close friends were now out of range of local JWs. Peace, sweet peace – at long last! Ha!
October 1992 turned out to be a month with some reprieve, it would bare its own intrigue, its own set of events that would tie up more loose ends that I didn’t think about, and bring onto the horizon some unexpected developments ... Part 12: October Surprise II – The Sequel! ... to be continued ...