I've lurked on this forum since about the end of '10. My first "apostate experience" began @ age 14. First a little backround.
I was baptised at 10, and did so mostly out of:
1.) pressure from my mom to get baptised so that I would be safe from Armaggedon(she was probably pressured from elders),
2.) not really having an opinion of my own at that age, my mom heard of the "truth" when I was ~5, so all I knew about the Bible was through the Witnesses,
3.) I liked the idea of being able to live in Paradise Earth, although even then I had some hidden doubts that I would just push away. After all, this was the "truth"!
I'd say that as I developed, it was mostly 1.) fear of disapproval from my mother and 2.) fear of falling away from Jehovah, thereby ending in DF and eventually destruction that kept me in, and allowed me to put up a barrier of any kind of arguement against the "truth" or the Bible. I hated studying the Watchtower, but would simply devour the Awakes, which back then had some pretty cool information to be honest. Nowadays, they still do, but seem to have more plugs for the Bible and religion.
I've grown up in a low income, monoparent family. This means my mom was mom and dad, and had to provide for me. She would work alot @ times, just to sustain us and pay for rent. When times got tough and she seemed down, which of course would've been natural in her(low income monoparent) case, I would step up and become spiritual, for her sake. I would help her study the WT, Bible, things for the TMS, etc. This would bring her joy by being able to spend time with me, and at the same time pleasing Jehovah.
I was a relatively shy kid, still am somewhat, and did well in school. I was kinda lazy at times, and sure enough did get into trouble at times, but nothing major. Never really spoke of my faith @ school. Really, it would only be to defend myself for things like holidays, birthdays, etc.
But then came the first earth-shattering experience.
@ ~14 I came into contact with a Senior from highschool. He was one of the born agains. He was a pretty weird dude(would say racist stuff, make pervert jokes, overall weird vibe), played the guitar and loved Opeth, Dream Theater, Christian black metal bands, etc. Still, he lived in my neighborhood and I saw him on the bus. We eventually started talking about God and religion.
One day, I went to his house. His father had studied with the Witnesses a while back, and was close to baptism. However, before he commited(baptism), a Christian spoke to him and relayed to him the WT's past failed prophecies, etc. This led to him becoming a Christian with
1.) extensive Bible knowledge, from a WT perspective and from a Christian perspective.
2.) knowledge of the WT past, something I had not really ever come into contact with.
3.) Witness doctrine.
He was the dude that sat down with me and basically said it all. It was so direct, so blunt, so surreal, I left there shaking that day. I was practically convinced he had been baptised, and was now trying to convert me to an apostate. Although I don't remember the specifics he told me on that day, I don't think I would ever look at JW's the same.
I began some investigation on my own on the internet, and found out about the WT cover-up about the UN. I printed out a page and showed it to a good JW friend of mine, that was about 7 yrs older than me. He said there was nothing wrong with it, that the WT wasn't part of the UN politically, only as a non-profit organisation, to represent Witnesses.
I received some counsel, wasn't reprimanded or anything, and continued on. I figured, on the more conscious level, that God's people were imperfect, that this still was the truth. Deep down, I never had and especially in my teenage years, didn't want anything to do with religion in general. Deep down, I didn't want to go to meetings, go preaching, talk about my religion, etc. I wasn't concerned with the absolutes they put up, simply neglecting context and demonizing people left and right, speaking of them as the truth.
Regardless, I found myself going through the motions, yet trying desperately to return to a frame of mind where I %100 believed this to be truth. I wanted this to be truth, so that I could motivate myself to be what others saw the potential for me to become: MS, bethelite, C.O., missionary, etc.
I, however, saw myself so far removed from that life. And yet, I had to, wanted to convince myself this was it.
I went through so much tormoil throughout the years, and so much guilt for the occasional porn watching and masturbation, that I decided to confess. I thought, this would free my conscience, and now I can serve God free of mind, and maybe, just maybe, I could finally have that desire in my heart to truly serve God, truly like going into Service, truly like going to meetings.
It didn't work. I abstained for a couple of months, but went back. My conscience bothered me like hell. I thought I was a piece of crap for being such a hypocrite, and thought myself worthy of destruction. I confessed again, but by this time, my faith was in shambles. The elders never really gave me good advice. It was very generic.
This, coupled with the failed JW marriage my mom acquired with a so-called "spiritual brother", which was just as much fake as I was, and maybe even worse, left me depressed for a long time. I had no where else to go. I had failed to continue my academic studies(was studying to be an architect, but shot myself in the foot because the career was too long, and it took away from my service to Jah...), had no real world skills, was working in a supermarket, and in general was just disoriented. I had no aims for anything at all.
My only reliefs would come via hanging out with JW friends in an informal setting, such going over their house and playing guitar, etc.
My other one saving grace was, and still is to an extent, my worldly friend I met since middle school. He has been an awsome hangout buddy, and has always had a level, non-religious biased head on him. He got me through some tough times, in more ways than he can realise.
Sorry for the long experience, I could probably say so much more, but thought it would be nice to introduce myself to the board formally, seeing as how so many of you have had to courage to open up and tell your stories as well.
My real journey out mentally came through jwfacts.org. I thank Paul for sharing all that eye-opening information with the world. Even though deep down, I knew something was funky with the religion, I never could find the way to articulate it, and jwfacts makes it so plain for the world to see the WT's contradictions.
I eventually started posting on Beliefnet, had some interesting discussions, and further came out of the JW mindset.
I eventually found this place(JWN), which I feared as the most apostate, with all you guys mocking the WT, cursing, etc. I eventually found out you are people, just like the me, and that there is nothing to fear.
I hope to have some meaningful interactions with the posters on this board, and hope I can guide some that find themselves still physically in, for sake of family, but mentally out.
Knowsnothing at your service.