"Whoa, whoa! What's just happened here? Do you need an ambulance or something? What happened?"
"No, it's nothing. But, uhmmm... have you got a Kleenex or something?"
" Here you go. That'll mop it up. What then? What? Wait a minute - is that Duncan? Over there? "
"Yes."
" And he just hit you?"
"He punched me on the nose. Right smack on the nose."
"WHAT? What? Duncan did? He punched you on the nose? Why? Whatever for?"
"I dunno. He's crazy. I dunno. All I said to him was - ‘we really miss you at the meetings..' ."
**** 0000 ****
What I want to talk about today is control. Control. How do some people *effortlessly* control others?
Specifically - how does the Watchtower Society control its members so well? A great big part of the answer, I feel, is all wrapped up in this " we missed you last night at the meeting" business.
You know what I'm talking about. Of course you do. You can't be a JW (or ex-JW) without knowing all about - "we missed you last night at the meeting"...
The reason that I single this particular sentence out - from all the millions of sentences that might be uttered, one witness to another - is that, typically, this is the first sentence, the first time, that new witnesses, or newly interested ones - or bible studies, or whatever - are brought face-to-face with the absolutely non-negotiable control tactics of the Watchtower Society.
You will be familiar with the set-up. Bible-study, or interested-marriage-mate, or intrigued work-colleague, whoever, has just got to the point of attending the first few meetings. They are just getting to understand the witnesses. Typically, they are impressed with the "love" and "fellowship" they feel in the congregation. They are genuinely touched with all the love-bombing that is going on. At last! - they think - real Christians!
And then there comes that first meeting they miss.
It might be work commitments, or family, or something. Perhaps it is just that they don't fancy going out that night - they're tired, ill, or out-of-sorts, or whatever. Whatever it is - THAT night, they just don't want to go.
But then there is a reckoning.
Having established a track-record - even only a few meetings long - of attendance, when they miss a meeting - their FIRST missed meeting - you can be sure that someone, SOMEONE, will come up to them, meeting them on the street, or somewhere, and deliver the line:
"Oh, we really missed you at the Meeting last night!"
Now, it might or might not be actually true. Sometimes, the Elders will see to it that the person entrusted with the task ("Go and have a word with so-and-so, tell them how much we miss them") might be someone of the same age or outlook, so that it might actually (in that particular case) be literally true. "We really missed you."
But that doesn't matter. "Missing you" is never the actual point. What it actually means is:
Do NOT think , not for a minute, that you can just miss meetings, and not have to account for yourself.
And that's the whole point of the "we missed you at the meeting" conversation. To impress upon the newly interested one that you CAN'T just miss meetings. Why weren't you there? What's the problem? And pretty soon the new Witnesses get the idea, even if they don't figure out how they're being manipulated. Sometimes, the best way of controlling people, is by being all " loving" and "concerned" and "kind"
"Oh, we MISSED you SO much..." Who could possibly object to such a caring enquiry?
**** 0000 ****
A few years ago now, before I could afford a car, I would regularly take the bus to get to work. The 8:10, every day. You got to know the other people who would always get that same bus. Every morning, the same people.
One of these people was Wyn. I sort-of half knew her. She worked at the local Town council offices, and I had come across her in my dealings with the housing department. Me and my wife at the time were trying to secure a council flat to live in.
Anyway, quite apart any dealings I had had with her at the Town Hall, what I knew about Wyn, from sitting behind her on the bus, was that she regarded herself as a proper, charitable Christian woman. She was ALWAYS going on about "the power of the Holy Spirit", and "giving a good witness for Jesus" and so on when she spoke to people on the bus. Also that she was a very loud woman.
And so, there is this one morning, when this little old lady gets on our bus. Seventy-odd years old, I would guess, easily thirty years older than Wyn. Well, Wyn just lights up. She gets out of her seat, and closes in on the new arrival, and bellows out her welcome:
"Well, HELLOOOO, Doreen! How ARE you? Haven't seen you in simply AGES!"
Poor little Doreen was visibly shrinking in her seat as Wyn approached. But it was all going to get worse.
"Now tell me, Doreen. How are your piles?" All this shouted at top volume, completely filling the bus.
" Your piles, dear, your piles. How ARE they? Still playing you up?"
Doreen mumbled something inaudible, clearly crippled with embarrassment, but simply not having the wherewithal to shut this woman up.
"Did that cream do any good? You know, Mary swears by it! But, these things are sent to try us, I suppose! Anyway, now, tell me all about it." And so on.
And so on for the next ten minutes. We learnt all about Doreen's personal business, her illnesses, her money troubles, and the falling-out she had with her with her daughter-in-law. And you actually couldn't hear a word that poor Doreen said, all the details were broadcast to the bus by this big-mouth, intrusive Wyn.
Never mind about how the poor little old lady felt. I must say that I felt embarrassed and violated by the whole episode, just overhearing it. Wyn's overloud and insolent enquiries into Doreen's private concerns made the whole bus uncomfortable. The massive lack of respect shown to the old lady was, to my mind, simply a form of bullying.
And yet, if I - or anyone - had challenged this woman Wyn - "Come on, missus, leave her alone. Can't you see how you're embarrassing and upsetting this poor lady?" - Wyn would have been dumbfounded and outraged. She was a caring friend! She was motivated by genuine, Christian concern! Surely that was obvious? Wasn't she just innocently asking after her friend's welfare?
Wyn would not have recognised herself as a bully, but she absolutely was. I bet there were legions of Wyn's "friends" who despaired when they caught sight of her bearing down on them. She simply was a naturally domineering, controlling personality. But Wyn no doubt pictured herself as the very soul of Christian "kindness".
And isn't that a little bit like the witnesses, who think they're simply showing loving concern when they say, oh so caringly: " we missed you SO much at the meeting..."
**** 0000 ****
When our kids were younger, for quite a few years we would spend our annual summer holiday in Florida, at Disney. Typhoon Lagoon is one of my favourite places in the world, so many happy memories there.
I remember one occasion, my wife and I lying in the sun, reading or something, while the kids were off riding the flumes. Just nearby to us were a couple with much younger children, pre-school age, and a baby as well. The baby, maybe 12 months old, was toddling along, holding his mother's hand, paddling in a little shallow pool. Apart from his big floppy hat, he had no clothes on.
Two Disney employees, life-guard- types came by, and immediately went into a routine:
"Oh, my! Naked baby! Naked baby! Sound the alert!" The second one made a very accurate, very funny klaxon noise, as they larked around.
"Naked baby! Naked baby! Oh my!"
I have to tell you, it was very, very funny. We all laughed, and that family got a funny story to tell the folks back home - "and then the other one said ‘naked baby, oh my!' it was so funny ".
And as the laughter was dying away, I couldn't help but notice, as the guys walked on, that the mother was putting some shorts on the baby.
My suspicions were pretty much confirmed when, a couple of hours later, while queuing for some ice-cream, I saw the same two young men. It was the same situation, a mother with an unclothed infant, and they went into the exact same routine. Lots of laughter, again. And the same result. The baby was covered up.
Clearly, this was a well-rehearsed act. They did it several times a day. Perhaps it was even something taught in employee-induction - who knows?
I don't know what Disney's beef is with unclothed babies at Typhoon Lagoon. Probably, I guess, something dreamt up by Marketing along the lines of pandering to the very tenderest of consciences among their guests, so that there could never be any possibility of anyone taking offense, but I don't know. But obviously, if you are going to have a policy of no nude babies, the best way to enforce it, without giving needless offense all round, is to get people to comply, while disguising the whole thing as a laugh.
So, is it: "Hey lady! COVER THAT CHILD!" - or go into a funny comedy routine? The best methods of control are always when it looks like you are not overtly controlling anyone.
**** 0000 ****
Which brings us back to "Oh, we missed you SO MUCH at the meeting last night!"
Control, all dripping with the honey-sweet air of "concern", but control nonetheless.
Do you know, I haven't been inside a Kingdom Hall now in for over 35 years. But I still have some JW family, and occasionally see witnesses socially. And they STILL, to this day, try this out on me, or variations on it. Being more generous about it, perhaps, these days, with the prospect of control being off the agenda, they really DO mean it. But the enquiry, even if genuine, is wholly tainted its association with the witness bully/control technique.
And no- I have never actually punched anyone on the nose - I was only funnin' wit ya.
But don't think I haven't been tempted.
