Wake up CALL! It's time to shake off the JW's attitude/personality!

by StephanieH 10 Replies latest jw experiences

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  StephanieH

  This weekend I found myself again working on my day off, not because I had to I just didn't want to sit at home alone. When I told my mom on our daily phone call that I was working again over the weekend she told me that she was worried because over the past few months I have been "over working" myself.

  When I got home I sat in my apartment alone, tired, and depressed. I phoned my mother once more and we talked for a long while, and cried together. I realized that what she said was true that I never give myself time to enjoy my new freedom. At one point she asked, holding back tears I could tell, "Stephanie, what happend to my baby girl? You used to do anything to laugh, you always smiled even on a bad day.. The JW's beat you down, made you grow up to fast." She then went on to apoligize for her absence in my life and how she blames herself, I told her I know that it wasn't her fault and she has nothing to be sorry for but that 'they' did. We cried some more together and I realized again she was right!

  Then yesturday one of my friends called me and asked if I could help her to move. After we finished moving her things we sat and talked (we have only known each other a few months) she told me that I always seem down and never enjoy myself. She also told me that she knows that the real me is a fun loving beautiful person and that isn't who I usually seem to be.

  Having my mother and someone who hardly knows me tell me pretty well the same thing, I was shocked! I stopped and thought about it and realized that I have changed so much because of the JW's negative, depressing attitude instealed in me I have hidden the real me. I have known this but hearing it made me see that I have to shake off the JW mind frame, which will take time. I told my mom that no matter what it takes her baby girl will find her way back.

  So here is to all of use who are still trying to shake off that 'cult' controled mind frame/personality, we are human beings, each uniquely designed, and we all diserve better than what the JW's created of us. Here is to setting/finding our true selves, the person we were born as not the one who has been programmed by the JW's.

  It's time to shine! To live, love, laugh, and enjoy each day of our lives! I ask for others to join me in my journy and start in their own as we all find our inner joy!
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  satinka

  Stephanie wrote:

  It's time to shine! To live, love, laugh, and enjoy each day of our lives! I ask for others to join me in my journy and start in their own as we all find our inner joy!

  Stephanie... Congratulations! This is the happiest piece of news I have read on this forum in such a long time! Yes, you are getting it! Yes, the more we can let go of the JW mindset, the happier and healthier we can be. THAT is the truth! It is time to learn about who you really are.

  The JW mindset is steeped in fear and mind-control.

  You are very lucky to have your mom to validate what you are experiencing. Sounds like you have a healthy support system in place... and that is key to healing.

  It helps to have someone build you up --- until you are in a position to validate your own experiences and build yourself up---and heal!

  Love and hugs,

  satinka
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  scooterspank

  Cheers and good luck. It can be difficult at times but it definitely can be done. Shine on!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  Jadeen

  It may take a while- the negative personality didn't develop overnight- but your cheerful self will come back! I know that I am a much happier person now than I used to be.
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  AllTimeJeff

  Stephanie, this really resonated with me, and I know exactly what you mean. I turned from the fun loving teen I was (I did smile a lot. I REMEMBER!) to somewhat of an ego fed borgbot as an adult.

  Now that I left, how can I have fun and enjoy life? Still working on that. At least now I am happy. If I could only smile more.... :)

  I am still trying to figure out how to be loose, let go, and enjoy life. I realize that much of my outer persona, though serving me well in some venues, was forged in the Borg. I don't know if I should accept that, modify it, or learn to just let my inner me smile a lot more, and to embrace the decision I made to just be happy.

  Wishing you the best!
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  umadevi

  To live, love, laugh, and enjoy each day of our lives! That's the spirit StephanieH!
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  exwhyzee

  StephanieH, It takes time not to feel guilty for being happy or enjoying ones days as best they can now instead of postponing it until perfection arrives.

  I remember people feeling guilty for not feeling guilty enough. Toward the end of my JW career, I began to realize that attending meetings was like going to a funeral 3 times a week. Even at JW get togethers you couldn't get away from it. Someone would have to pray and mention our need for forgiveness, Jesus sacrafice and mention either our desperate need for the new system or strength and endurance to make it through this wicked one. You were never allowed to live in the moment and just enjoy it without being reminded of your own mortality....even at a picnic. Even when we used to go on group camping trips, a Watchtower study reminding us of the nearness of the worlds destruction, was a required activity. It's no wonder so many JW's deal with anxiety. Mine all but dissapeared overnight once I stopped going.

  It does take time to develop a lifestyle that fills in the void left after discontinuing something that took up so much time and was the center of your life for a long period. Working unnecessary overtime can prolong the development of needed strengths by avoiding having to deal with the feelings/fears one used to mask by attending meetings.
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  TimothyT

  Amen!

  Go Stephanie!

  Enjoy yourself!
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  WTWizard

  Shame and guilt on the Washtowel Slaveholdery for making people feel guilty for taking a day off. If you get a day off, you are supposed to go out in field circus. If you get part of a day off, you are supposed to go out in field circus. There is no time to enjoy oneself, and they go to great lengths to make sure no one in the cancer hears anything except that it is bad to take a day off.

  Then, if you decide to blow out of it, you are bound to carry that same attitude into work. You can't take a day off because of the guilt you are used to, so you end up working all the time. I suppose that is a step better than wasting your time in field circus (at least you are making a few toilet paper dollars that you can enjoy or invest). But, being able to take time off to just enjoy is part of what it's about--there is no point in living if you are not supposed to enjoy it.

  And yet, that's what the washtowel outwardly says (in the Showcase edition). Just before beating people to pio-sneer, that is.
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  Band on the Run

  When I went out on my own to college (which is certainly not doing it alone.), I had no social skills. I'd read about the glamorous world of the Kennedys, particularly Jackie. She was always going to Lincoln Center or art galleries. I had no idea these events were open to the public. I figured one had to be in the Social Register, a book I later used. My parents never scheduled entertainment. It was very sad. I so much wanted to partake in worldly things yet I had no clue what to do.

  I made it much worse by feeling I was inferior. My JWness was ever present in my mind, a source of shame. I ached to be part of the world and to live abundantly. It took four years but I gradually learned how to plan a film outing with friends or not. My high school friends and I attended Lincoln Center events during the summery, feeling very self important and grown up. I had to schedule these events in my planner. It felt very awkard. Now it is second nature.

  The process was excruciating but I did join private NY clubs, had subcriptions for opera and ballet. Discount tickets were available to students. I saw many modern dance performances and off Broadway plays. I saw One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with an audience of about twenty. There were only three rows of seats. I walked into jazz clubs. Rock concerts became a specialty.

  Now this social me is the true me. Sometimes I still pinch myself that a Witness girl can experience these events. I'm active in my denomination. My membership is at the Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine which holds many events. I volunteered. My soul feels at home. It never felt at home in the KH or conventions.

  I was surprised at how much work was required.