I'm sorry how my posts seem to get longer and longer, I'm a very descriptive and analytical person...
As you may know already I decided to no longer participate in field service or go to the meetings. I am completely done with this hypocritical cult which talks off both ends of the mouth. I told my mother my decision and not much can be done since I’m an adult and I’m really on my own in terms of my responsibilities. She just remains hopeful I will look past the enormous inconsistencies of “new light”. Anyway, she forwarded to the elders my wishes to no longer go to hall. Not much choice, she was badgered about where was I. This was a week ago. This week I didn’t attend either and they let my mother know they would be coming over to visit me after the meeting.
They arrived, I greeted them, not with my usual smile, I was mentally distraught as I didn’t know how to start, it was more of a limp handshake, with a poker face. They discussed that they were worried about what was going on. I was completely speechless as my mind was racing. I looked away staring blankly. They told me that I should open my heart to them because they are there to help (right, there to cleanse the sales meeting) I sighed. They asked what was bothering me once again. Cited a few scriptures, I agreed to read them. After a bit of talk from them and just nodding, looking away from my part. I just said, “How did they get to 1914?” One winced slightly, the other tried to explain it as a biblical calculation, let me know how 607BC was involved in that figuration.
I widened my eyes, slouched forward with my hand on my face. He asked me to get a paper to jot down the calculation, anyway it wasn’t of much use, as the other elder changed the topic slightly, causing a distraction. They mentioned how 587 BC was used by false religion, and that 607 was supported by science (Huh?) I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. In fact they told me apostates wrote fake Watchtowers, which may have made it online (I was going to refute that contradictions are found in the WT CD ROM, they were so eagerly explaining I couldn’t get a word in)
They asked if I had another bible that wasn’t the NWT, I did but in English (I’m in a Spanish congregation) It’s a New Living Translation. They asked me to lookup Revelation 12:3-5 read it, translate it for them. (Dragon who swept away 1/3 of the stars, standing in front of the woman about to give birth, the son would rule with an iron rod, was caught away by God) Later he asked me, who is that boy? I went to the NWT and reread it there. My mind was blank (I never paid full attention to Revelation, most confusing book in the bible.) After a bit of a pause I said “Jesus?” Just a guess, I had no idea.. The elder was shocked “Sorry that’s not the answer. You need study, pubtruth!” I let him know it was a guess, I admitted I was a failure when it comes to Revelation. “Don’t worry, were here to help. We’re not going to reprove you for that” (They must always show that they are not out to get you)
He agreed to sit down with me an explain what it all meant ( I looked up later, according to the WT, The mother is the organization [I knew that, I failed to think of it as that in that moment, I was under pressure] and the son was the kingdom.. OKAY Now I’m hella confused! ) After some vacillation I agreed. (I also think there is noo light on this as well..) They agreed they would set a date to see me again and explain that and other doubts (told me to write them down, which I did) which I may have. They asked me if I wanted to go out in service in the morning, I said “I needed time for myself” “Fine, take your time, but please make an effort to go to hall on Tuesday” “I’ll see”, limp handshake and they left happy thinking they might have gotten to me. They really haven’t. When the door shut I sighed out of relief. My brother (who isn’t a JW, left young) who was hearing everything in the adjacent room let out “Jesus Christ!”… My head was thumping with a migraine, dinner time was well gone, we talked more than an hour. Mom was coming with my dinner, I just shut my room door in her face. Threw myself in bed, my mind racing and I was feeling like I was going to pop a vein. My blood sugar plummeted I had not eaten, I was starting to shake, I got up angry around 3 hrs later (10pm), threw my briefcase against the closet door almost popping it out of its roller. I went, prepped for a shower. Heated up dinner in the microwave, and tried to relax. I prayed “If this really your truth keep me in, if not help me discount it as such”…
The more I researched, the more I find it that it can’t be the truth. I was awake all through sunrise. Researching topics like 1914, Beth-Sarim, Blood Doctrine, and Resurrection of Sodomites... Printing reference after reference. I’m having second thoughts about discussing my doubts with them It’s mentally exhausting, I seriously contemplated doing something drastic for quite some time after they left. Would it be smart to discuss with them or should I just give them word I no longer want to be an unbaptized publisher? I should just save myself from being labeled an apostate by not showing them all my research? Right now I’m leaning towards making a clean cut..
PS: My mother saw my research, she was up at 4am with me, she keeps her stance that it’s the truth, but we’re all imperfect men, I said alright but it can’t be led by the Holy Spirit with those contradictions [ref. to the generation teaching], she argues they are clarifications. But I let her know that to be a clarification (light getting brighter) it cannot directly conflict with what was thought to be true before [Anointed Generation, 1914 Generation, Wicked Generation and back to Anointed]… Simple she just didn’t want to accept that, even though the facts are right in her face! (Yet she is less and less badgering me about the “Truth”) Hopefully I have planted a seed…