June Bug, welcome to the site. I am not a Jehovah's witness, and never was. In my opinion, you have received wonderful advice, but I would like to single out this one, by Nugget:
I would say to you take your time and do not rush into any long term commitment until you are sure it will be in the best interests of you and your child. This is the time for honest talk with your fiancee so that you understand exactly what you would be letting yourself into and he knows how far you are prepared to go.
I would add that the time you need to take to really understand what you would be getting into is longer than you might think. If you are a "worldly", like me, you have to make sense of everything, and even then there will be things you won't understand but will be obvious to a witness. It will take very long for things to really sink. At this moment, well-meaning people tell you, for example, that he will put Jehovah first, and I am sure you don't really grasp what that means, not because you're not smart, but because you don't know yet how far that can go. When you think you've learned enough, think again.
Beyond his being an "unbaptized publisher", your JW is a man. I don't think it is good for any woman to marry in a given period of time because her significant other demands so. This is a very bad start for you. It would be a very bad start with another "worldly" as well.
I would like to bring your attention to this:
"He told me that he would only go back to the religion if "something really big happened" (which I read as "never").
I would have understood this the same way if it had come from another person who were not in a cult. You see, he didn't lie; he just didn't clarify what he really meant. I'm pretty sure he did understand what thoughts crossed your head, however. Please, notice this.
I know you would want your child to live with his father and in a family. That is a huge reason for you to stay with this JW. However, I would like you not to give in to blackmail for the sake of your child. Meaning, don't convert, don't agree to attend meetings, don't do things his way, only because you don't want to feel it was YOU who put distance between this child and his father. Don't give in to such blackmail as "if only you agreed to leave your wicked ways and accept Jehovah". Please bear in mind that the distance that separates witnesses from us is not something we choose; the Watchtower demands that it be so, and they oblige.
It might seem selfish to take a course that could result in your child not sharing a home with his father, but it is not. And please remember that you matter, too.
My personal opinion is that you should not attend any meetings and not allow him to take the child to the Kingdom Hall. If you are of a clear mind that you won't convert, don't do the things you would do if you had converted. Make it clear that you're not a witness, for Christ's sake, and that your points of view are to be taken in consideration as well.
I think you should prepare for any "scenario" and choose the best. Meaning "what would life be like if I converted? What if I didn't but agreed to his demands? What if I didn't agree to anything I found objectionable? What if I didn't marry him?"
Please notice that perhaps his wanting to go back to the Watchtower comes from fear of his child dying. In his mind, perhaps he believed he needs to save his child and lovely woman from annihilation. He must mean good, only no good would come out of your joining the Watchtower. And, since you're not religious, I trust you know that this Armageddon think is nonsense. All religions are.
I would like to have longer conversations with you. Please send me a private message if you think you're fine with that.
I wish you and your kid the best.
Need Opinions -- Engaged to a JW!!
by junebug_11 100 Replies latest social relationships
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dgp
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garyneal
Sorry for taking so long to return but I never get time alone until late after the kids are in bed (and my wife too).
So basically.....does anyone have any advice? Do you think that we can we make it work? Is anyone else in a similar situation?
Yes, I am in that situation. My wife and I met 8 or 9 years ago and it did not take me long to learn that she was a witness. I personally, did not think they were a harmful religion and took them as simply another sect of Christianity. Since I was a Christian myself, I thought this would be okay even though I had been warned in the past that they were a false religion and non-christian cult, etc.. I had to find out for myself because some of the people who were saying this were part of another cult I use to be in, the IFB. The IFB's made false and misleading statements about other denominations (besides them) of Christianity (especially Southern Baptists and Pentecostals) so I did not think the witnesses were harmful at the time.
Needless to say, I now think differently and I have had a period where I began reflecting on whether or not I made the right choice and would I be happier now. I'm in a good state, actually, for the moment and I have two beautiful daughters that I adore.
I know that we're not supposed to try to change our partner (since it never works), but I really feel like I had the rug pulled out from under me on this one. I feel like he really sprung it all on me, after it was too late to leave (since it was after the birth of our child and 9 months together!).
This is how they roll, at least the ones who are 'weak in the truth' like your fiance and my wife are. Frankly, I told my wife and her sister that Jehovah's Witnesses should simply marry other witnesses and leave us 'worldlies' alone. Her sister is not currently married and is 'living in the world.' I asked her if she plans on ever being a witness again and she hesitated and said that it was not for her right now. My response, "If you think you ever will, marry a witness, do not marry a worldly and drag him into it."
For the first six years of my marriage I studied with the witnesses, made friends with them, attended their meetings fairly regularly, and even agreed with a lot of their doctrines. My wife and I were pretty open about religion, she would attend church with me on occasion and we'd celebrate the holidays, birthdays, etc.. In fact, she took the lead most of the time in the celebrations (obviously she was free for the first time with me). Then in around May of 2009 (after throwing my daughter her 3rd birthday party) she pulled the rug out from under me and decided to go running back to the Kingdom Halls and become a baptized witness. She had always felt guilty for doing the celebrations and even did not feel right taking my daughter to soccer practice, the guilt all came from her indoctrination. I guess she felt like it was time to 'get things right with Jehovah.'
This lead me to studying about the religion and I was shocked at what I found and truly scared for the first time.
If our son needs a blood transfusion, I will do so without hesitation.
You better have that talk with your husband then. My wife gets uber culty over this topic whenever it is brought up. She truly thinks blood is bad because her aunt contracted hepatitis when she had her blood transfusion while her mom had a 'bloodless surgery' for her cancer operation and received the 'best medical treatment.' That's my wife's experience. You may also want to talk to him about what he would do if YOU needed a blood transfusion and was not conscious to make the decision. Will he respect your wishes? I'm not sure if my wife would in my case.
I love my fiance, but I have a lot of doubts as to if we'll make it for the long haul :(
If you are having doubts now, do not get married. Talk to him, talk to him, TALK TO HIM, and do not hold back on your concerns. If he gets beligerent and defensive try to assure him that you will respect his wishes but you want to ensure that he respects yours as well. My parents divorced when I was 8 years old and I vowed never to put any of my kids through that. However, back in 1999, me and my then girlfriend fooled around and got pregnant. I realized during the pregnancy that she and I had nothing in common but the sex and in spite of the consequences, I realized that she and I could not get married. So I broke it off with her, and it made her livid and we struggled for years back and forth with our son. My Jehovah's Witness wife, who I later married, did not make it easier (and in fact made it a lot harder) but in the long run not marrying my son's mother was the right decision.
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umadevi
Hi June Bug welcome!
I am a fading JW and one of the issues that I had hard time to accept was the refusal of blood transfusion. I have an 8 yr old son and should he need blood taransfusion in order to survive I would definitely go for it. Your man might be reasonable and understanding now but once he becomes an active JW, he will be turned into a human robot that takes in everything the WBTS teaches. Please do a thorough research on WT and if possible talk to EX JWs to get an inside picture on how the organization uses mind control on it's members. Here's a chilling experience of an ex JW couple and read what happened to their baby - www.watchthetower.com
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garyneal
Here's a chilling experience of an ex JW couple and read what happened to their baby -
www.watchthetower.com
Paul and Pat Blizzard and their daughter Jenny. Touching, sad, and yet the story was the catalist for their transformation. His was one of the stories I read early on during my research. I've also read Jerry Bergman's life story. They are a couple I deeply admire and respect, when the elder's wife at my wife's cong talked about how disfellowshipped people never had it as good as 'Jehovah's people,' I thought of them and knew that this elder's wife was completely clueless.
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Hortensia
Well, I'm not in your situation, but I've been around a long time and I've seen a lot of relationships. You have a responsibility to your child now. I grew up JW and it is not a good religion for children. My personal opinion is that you would be better off not getting married. You made one mistake by getting pregnant so soon, before you really knew this man. Now, don't make it worse by marrying him and his religion.
Get him to make all the unpleasant decisions. He won't enjoy that and might back off a bit. "Well, I'm not going anywhere, honey. If you really don't love me and our child, you'll have to be the one who decides to break up this family." "No, I'm not going to the KH with you. If you really think it's important to worship together, you'll have to go to church with me." "No, I'm not going to have a bible study, but if you want to just read the bible with me, that is OK." Don't let him skip around from scripture to scripture, either. Make him read it from beginning to end.
Of course, you'll probably get better advice from those who have been there...
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Beware of false prophets
@Hortensia - You are so right; it's not a religion for children. It completely robs them of their childhood!
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the-illuminator81
Junebug, I sent you a PM with some additional reading material. You can find it by clicking the little envelope icon at the top-right of this page.
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sizemik
He says that he's open-minded and not brainwashed and has done research....and yet will not explore other religions with me, since JW is "the truth".
If he still thinks JW's are the true religion he has done little in the way of research . . . especially not on this religion. The facts are out there and easily found. You simply cannot research this religion fully and still believe it is "the truth". It's like saying your a scientist and belonging to the flat earth society.
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Jim_TX
Welcome to the board JuneBug. Others have already stated very good things. Be careful moving forward.
I would be very careful with your decision allowing your fiance/husband to take the youngster to the meetings - without you.
While right now, he may be too young, when he gets older... say around 12 months old or so... then the little tyke will be required to sit there for the required time period silent - with a JW publication in his lap. No toys - or coloring books. No talking or making noises - or he may get punished.
When I was married to my JW-wifey, I remember her and my teenaged daughter coming home from one of their meetings going on about how a little one was acting up (we're talking around 1 or 2 yrs old), and had to be punished. Good golly! They're kids! Kids can't be expected to sit still for that long! (Heck! I'm an ol' fart, and still can't sit still for very long!)
Also - do you plan to celebrate your son's first birthday (and others after that one)? You may need to rethink that one. JWs don't celebrate birthdays. Your mate may put the brakes on any celebrations.
Don't allow what should be a joyous time of youth and growing up, experiencing life - I'm talking about both your son, and yourself - to be robbed from you.
Be very careful how you proceed...
Regards,
Jim TX
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wannabefree
JuneBug ... something to keep in mind in relation to garyneal's situation ... he is a man. The Watchtower recognizes the authority of a man, even an unbelieving husband. In your case, your Witness husband will be expected to be the head of the family, he will be encouraged to consider your wishes but ulitmately, when it comes to the raising of your children and anything faith related, he will be considered the ultimate authority and will be expected to tow the Watchtower line. An unbelieving wife and an unbelieving husband are two totally different scenarios.