Do You Want to be Valid?

AllTimeJeff

I know how you feel.....

You come to this forum for reasons of your own. We all have as our default settings in our head that everyone else should think and see as we do.

Sadly, or happily, the more you expose yourself to others, the more you experience the delicious irony that no one is the same, that god is so different to billions, or non existent to millions.....

What we want though when we come here as former JW's isn't agreement, it's validation.

Not that everyone else is wrong, but rather, just so that we matter. That our life wasn't in vain. That our time as a JW can have a positive future even if it came from a smelly past.

We thought WE were right.

We thought JEHOVAH was right.

Well, maybe it was JESUS.

DAMN! Is nobody right?

Well, I guess that misses the point. Again.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, joins a religion without getting something in return, even if it is a signed check dated for some time well into the future.

So fine. Be a JW. Or a fundie Christian. Claim all you want that Jesus loves you and will destroy all else. Or forgive. But please be honest and at least admit that your first interest before making sure everyone else was forgiven was to make sure that YOUR ASS WAS FORGIVEN.

There is another way. Many different ways in fact. But all revolve around personal validation.

So if you are tempted to take the easy way out and to have a vocal evangalist or Christian church/group do your thinking for you so that you can feel validated and feel that you belong, that is fine. But remember this:

You were always valid, and you always belonged. :)

You don't need a group or a god to have that.

sabastious

Nobody, and I mean nobody, joins a religion without getting something in return, even if it is a signed check dated for some time well into the future.

My father was a recovering drug addict/bar fighter that was looking for salvation when he found the Witnesses. He got baptized and then met my mother, dated her for 3 months, and since they couldn't get their hands off each other they married and had my little brother and I.

Oddly enough you can chalk up my entire existence to guilt initially satiated by the Watchtower and then horniness enabled by the Watchtower.

-Sab

sabastious

You are right, this place is great for validation. That's a term I have heard many times in therapy. Many people, including me, are very happy to have places like these.

-Sab

No Room For George

Good post, Jeff.

Mad Sweeney

I think validation is also why some people just fade from the site. They become validated inside themselves and perhaps also among real life people outside of this message board and so no longer need it for validation, or at least not so much. Excellent observation, Jeff.

AllTimeJeff

The leadership of Jehovah's Witnesses makes it their very first aim to take away your individuality a little at a time. That is why you lose your first name. You are either Brother or Sister. Born in's frequently are corrected to call older JW's "Brother elder" or "Sister pioneer". Totally saps you of you.

In many congregations, you can't even call a fellow JW by their first name unless you aren't involved in theocratic activities.

Little wonder that upon leaving that sickness, we first look for ourselves. If we don't find it quickly, we panic, and head directly for the first teaching or church that makes us feel good and validated, never realizing that we too quickly gave up the search for ourselves.

The discovery of us is the most important thing we can do. Regardless of what it turns into, that respect for ourselves is essential. The lessons we learn on that journey should also teach us to respect the journies of all others too. That is why arguments on who got it right religiously as a group or viewpoint misses the greater point: What is right behavior spiritually?

Is it more important to worship Christ or be Christlike?

Is it more important to be "right" or be loving and accepting?

Is it more important to be with a group, or to take the time to discover who you already are inside?

mummatron

Very well said!

Sadly, or happily, the more you expose yourself to others, the more you experience the delicious irony that no one is the same, that god is so different to billions, or non existent to millions.....

I find it sad that not enough people can be respectful of others beliefs without trying to push their own onto others.

flipper

ALL TIME JEFF- Good points, great thread. After being out several years and now almost 8 years from the JW cult - I began realizing after reading Steve Hassan's books in 2007 that I always WAS valid and affirmed as an individual - even though the WT society and JW's wouldn't acknowledge any good that I accomplished while a Witness for 44 years from birth. The reason for not being affirmed by them is because I was more interested in humanism and BEING a human towards others instead of just mindlessly pushing a " concept " from the WT society in a robotic way.

My wife Mrs. Flipper has told me time and again in our 5 years of marriage how astounded she was that former JW friends or aquaintances minimized my value as a human being and did not appreciate when I tried to show kindness or empathy. But looking back I realize NOW what caused JW's to BE that way- the WT society isn't big or does not emphasize kindness or what they used to call " fruitages of the spirit " ; they emphasize the concept of recognizing authority and position as an " honorable " thing - namely recognizing and obeying the aleged " faithful & discreet slave " as THE authority . In JW land to obey that authority gets a person validation IF you are reaching out for position in the organization.

It's certainly been eye opening to me and a huge life affirming learning process. One that I'm glad to have gone through to be at the place I am at now in my life

NomadSoul

The inspector says I’m free. I’m free now and I was free in prison too, because freedom continues to be the thing I prize most in the world.Of course, this has led me to drink wines I did not like, to do things I should not have done and which I will not do again: it has left scars on my body and my soul, it has meant hurting certain people, although I have since asked their forgiveness, when I realised that I could do absolutely anything except force another person to follow me in my madness, in my lust for life. I don’t regret the painful times; I bear my scars as if they were medals. I know that freedom has a high price, as high as that of slavery; the only difference is that you pay with pleasure and smile, even when that smile is dimmed by tears.

-The Zahir - Paulo Coelho

Rocky_Girl

The discovery of us is the most important thing we can do. Regardless of what it turns into, that respect for ourselves is essential. The lessons we learn on that journey should also teach us to respect the journies of all others too.

This was a lesson I learned late in the game. I was trying so hard to fit into a Christian faith because I just "knew" that it was the right way. I stumbled from one denomination to the next, always feeling like an outsider, until the chaplain at my college told me to stop trying so hard. She encouraged me to do some soul searching and find out what I needed from a faith. That is when I realized that I wasn't Christian. It was hard for me to admit that for a long time.

If I hadn't stopped to actually think about who I "was" instead of who I "should be," I would still be church hopping and feeling guilty for not believing. This is why I get so frustrated with faiths that push people to make the decision to convert quickly. One could argue that those faiths have nothing to offer, so they don't want a potential convert to think too much about it; but I like to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are so caught up in their own spiritual experience that they push out of excitement. Either way, the result is the same - people trapped by guilt.

I have close friends who are devout Christians, Muslims, Atheists, Buddists, and Jewish - several are religious leaders - and I find value in each of their belief systems. I am fascinated by the choices they made along their paths to arrive where they are today. As for me, I have had many stops on my own journey and I may have many more. But now it is on my terms and not led by guilt.

Do You Want to be Valid?

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