My mother and Grandmother are Dubs, so it was a part of my life from the start. Both my Dad and Grandfather weren't, so it was what they call a divided household.
That sucked coz, after the meeting we were hurried off home to please the unbelieving mate.
So I never got to have real friends at the meetings and never had any activities outside of school.
As I got older I began to fit in with the school mates but felt restrained as we always had meetings to go to.
To cut a long story short, I got baptised when I was 18, had trouble keeping on top of meetings and witnessing etc...
I went weak, then inactive, found myself a girlfriend, non-witness, talked her thru the issues and problems I was going thru and so she decided to study.
We got married, she was baptised and things were going good.
As they were always pushing at assemblies to pioneer we felt we had to do that.
So as our circumstances allowed, she began pioneering.
You know, I look back and can say there was so much pressure put on couples who didn't have a family to seek first the kingdom.
As I had a checkered past according to some in the congo, it was a battle to attain privilidges. But I worked at it, I would Auxillary pioneer each year and use my vacation time to do it, brown nose the CO each time he visited, and bend over backwards to do anything the elders wanted done.
And as time passed I became a ministerial servant.
Then in order for me to become an elder I had to really work my ass off.
So I did, I sorted things out so I could also become a regular pioneer.
After 18 months of doing that plus continually working hard for the org I was appointed elder.
My family was stoked.
I had a sister whose husband had also been appointed elder, my other sister was a regular pioneer and my brother was living with me and doing as much as he could. But then he was 18 at the time and still finding himself.
So there we have it, one big happy spiritual family.
I was busy, working, witnessing and doing all the elder stuff, as well as learning sign language and caring for the hearing impaired in the cong.
I kept on getting assignments as well and felt loaded and burdened down. Yet I would never say no to anything, to me that was a sign of weakness, that I didn't appreciate the privilidges opened up to me.
My wife was full on into applying for bethel and gilead, I wasn't into that crap, but went along to keep her happy.
She was actually very ambitious and wanted to go as high up in the borg as we could.
So I had pressure from her as well, take on more and more to get on the stage at assemblies etc..
I think I stressed out.
I ended up spending time with a young sister, and being with her washed away all the weight of responsiblilty I was carrying.
In the course of time I ended up sleeping with her.
I was so stircken with guilt and felt I had let my whole family down.
The same day I get an assignment for the upcoming assembly, and I just couldn't handle it.
I sat in my office at work and broke down.
I told my wife what had happened the next day and that was it, we were off to see the elders.
So I went along with that, wanting to do the right thing in the Borg's eyes.
A judicial was held and I told them everything and so I was removed as an elder and pioneer. The following week it was announced that I was on public reproof and that all privilidges had been removed.
I attended that meeting knowing I had to face the music and accept my medicine.
After the meeting I had many in the congo come up to me, hug me and assure me of their feelings and support.
Each week I had to have a meeting with members of the committee and the meeting following the announcement I got slammed bigtime.
One elder said that a pioneer was announced that night and nobody went to that person, they came to me, and he said it wasn't right.
I should have left as soon as the meeting finished.
Well, I was totally shaken by this. I was already beating myself up for making such a big mistake, and then to be told that.
It spun me out even further.
The girl had been shipped off out of town to live with her grandfather and so I was stressing about that too. Was she alright?? How did the JC treat her??
She would write to me and say how sorry she was for ruining my life. I wrote back telling her not to blame herself, it was all my fault etc..
At another meeting this same elder wanted to know whether I would go and see her again, I said I don't know, I wasn't sure.
I ended up travelling out of town to see her and spent some time with her, but never did anything, thinking I was safe because I never stepped over the boundry.
Well, my wife found a letter in my jacket and reported this to the elders.
Next thing I know I'm up before another JC.
This time they are at me with accusations that the girls family are putting a non molestation order out on me, that her grandfather was writing a letter to the papers about an elder and a young girl.
(She was of age by the way)
I knew none of this and told them so.
In the end they Df me for conduct unbecoming a christian because as a married man I shouldn't be seeing let alone holding hands with another woman.
I was told I had a wicked heart and that there was nothing they could do.
My whole world fell before my eyes.
I went home and told my wife, she burst into tears and said she didn't want this to happen.
I never understood what she meant at the time, but I do now.
After it was announced I contacted this girl and told her I was coming to get her.
My parents by this time had been divorced for at least 10 years, so I moved in with my Dad and had her with me.
I spoke to her mother and talked about the things mentioned at my Judicial, and she said it was suggested by my wife to do those things, but was never done.
So, that was how I got out, but I wasn't free.
I was still trapped with their teachings, their ways.
Although I had my Dad and this chick with me, that was it, the rest of my family were gone, all my friends were gone.
As she was young she couldn't relate to what I was going thru. I felt so alone and lost.
I ended up going to counsellors & psychologists to get my head straight, I was on anti depressants to slow my mind down.
For a year I was a walking zombie, drinking as much as I could to stop my head from accusing and toturing me.
There were so many times I wanted to die, I hated myself, despised what I had done and become. A few times I tried to do the deed, but lost the courage.
The only one thing in my life that was still functional was my job. I poured was remnants of my life and mind into it because to me that was the only thing I was good at.
It worked for 18 months and then I lost the plot.
Well, that's the first and worst part of my life exiting the Borg.
That was back in 1995, I have only been truly freed over the last 6 months or so.
I will write about that soon.
Thanks for letting me get it out.
My Story
by Kep 14 Replies latest jw experiences
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Kep
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WindRider
Hi Kep, thanks for sharing your story and opening up your heart. You've really been through alot it sounds like in recent years. I look forward to hearing more of your journey to the present.
Sincerely, Windrider
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Rummy1
Hi Kep
Really enjoyed reading your story,a lot of it was familiar to
me as I was baptised at 16 pioneered till 23; I was working my way up the Borg ladder when My 1st mariage collapsed . It's only in the past 2 years or so that I blame myself for 75% of the problem because my pioneer wife got fed up and pursued education which I was vehemently against ( like a good witness) .
You've had a rough deal man and I can sympathise with your depression and drinking/suicidal feelings etc because I'm still having problems in those areas too . 4 years ago a very good witness friend of mine killed himself due to a combination of similar stuff. He too felt cheated by WTS about education and had a bad marriage. What a waste , he was a cool dude too.
Like yourself I'm only just deprogramming ... all those years take there toll don't they?
Look forward to more of your posts !
LOL Rummy1 -
Flip
I have only been truly freed over the last 6 months or so.
I will write about that soon.Looking forward to your next installment Kep, thank you.
Flip
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slipnslidemaster
Kep, I'm happy you're out. I enjoyed your story. I'm glad your here on the board and I hope you post more. Remember, you're not alone.
Anyway, are you ok now? Where are you in your journey with this?
Slipnslidemaster:"Baywatch has enriched and, in many cases, helped save lives. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to continue with a project which has has such a significance for so many."
- David Hasselhoff -
ladonna
Kep,
Thankyou for sharing part of your story. Welcome to the forum!
Ana
Manners require time, and nothing is more vulgar than haste.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson -
zev
welcome aboard. thanks for sharing your personal thoughts with us.
this is a really good group here, well most of us anyways.
you'll find as i did, that there are some people here that are extremely gifted and supportive.they helped me through the toughest times.
they can help you to.
g'day my friend.
-Zev
Learn about the Wtbts and the U.N.
** http://www.geocities.com/plowbitch69 ** -
Abaddon
kep; glad you made it here, sorry the way was hard for you. I got out in '93 as I had reached the end of my rope; it took me a couple of years to start deprogramming myself. I hope you end up as happy as me if you're not already there, and I know it will happen in time if you are not there yet. Freedom is a difficult dish to prepare, but it tastes good. Keep posting.
People living in glass paradigms shouldn't throw stones...
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thinkers wife
Kep,
Welcome to the board. And thank you for pouring your heart out. You will find that the more you are able to express yourself the more the poisons are expunged from your soul.
Not to minimize anyone's heartache, but every time I read a personal account of someones woes with the org. I am amazed with the similiar feelings and thoughts that we go through. It is a truly damaging religion. Thumbs up to anyone who can see it for what it is, get out, and move on with their lives.
Good Luck Kep and all. Hope to hear more from you soon.
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Kep
Thank you for your supportive words and thoughts.
My journey has been bumpy and hard going, but now I have recovered well enough to tell others about it.
Some have bounced back so quickly and I wish that was the same for me, but I think the deepoer you get into the Borg, the harder it is to readjust.
My whole life was there and I firmly believed their ways, even after 6 years of being out I was still one of them inside.
But I have healed now, but it took something drastic and tragic to happen.
I feel so much better about life and the things I believe and especially the person I am.
I guess that's why I felt at ease posting on the board.
Thank you so much.
Kep