Sorry about this absolutley CRAZY insight to my mind.

by dm6 20 Replies latest jw experiences

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  dm6

  Hello everybody.

  even thinking about typing this thread as i lay here in bed at 11.30 at night, is hard enough, but i found some sort of motivation to do it.

  I dont expect a massive response really, i guess all i really want to do is empty my mind out and stop things whirring over and over.

  i am worried for my brother (younger brother he is 23) he is in Guernsey Channel Islands (UK) and is in and out of intensive care drugs etc an there are a thousand more strings attached. (drugdealers after him, homeless, jobless, about to go to prsion long story)

  its a worry for me as his older brother. and our older brother just has a first child to the family, my parents first nephew.

  No one is there to see him, we are here in NZ. Me, my mother father and little sister.

  i am gaining a lot of weight due to being bored and jobless, also becasue of medication i have to take (prednisolone - has a massive side effect of osteperosis and weight gain) because of a horrible thing i keep getting over and over. Nasal polyps. they keep growing in my nose and it blocks it completely so i cannot smell or taste. it is the absolute worst thing that could happen to me because i am a chef and i am asthmatic.

  I have had 3 operations to have them removed but they grow back straight away, and these pred tabs do help to shrink them but only short term.

  I am worried about my family were all living in a small flat whilst my mum is the only personworking. My dad is an architect and cannot find work anywhere here. Its a first time things have actually been this bad.

  aside from all of this i am awaiting for my visa papers to arrive to see if it is all approved, if it is not, then i am royally F***KD.

  i have had them approved in the past but since returning to the UK and back to NZ again i now got myself a nasty police record there, due to an addiction to Diazepam.

  I went to the doctors last week fed up of everything. Glazing around and not being so alert like my usual self, slumping around kicking my heels.

  i got a prescription of valium again, and i felt great. the 20 tablets were gone within 5 days , i went back today and claimed i lost them and got another 20.

  these few things i mention here are a mere fraction of what is really going on in my life. i guess im just venting out things which are constantly on my mind.

  I wish to .........whoever........... thigns were not how they are.

  Life has never been happy for me. i would use the words life has never been easy, but its not been for most. but the words that would suit for me is happy.

  I am a very individual character, i never get close to people and cannot find motivation inside me anywhere to DO something. To actually go out and ACHIEVE something. Make a REAL friend, someone who i can enjoy their company.

  Or even a girlfriend for that matter.

  I have been single now for a good 4 to 5 years. and no, i havent slept around, i dont miss it because i have practically forgotten what its like !

  i lack an incredible amount of confidence in myself, and i wish i was a different person. I would always always always ask God WHY have you made me into this complete nutcase.

  Why cant i be happy and live anormal life. Why cant people accept me for who i am, because i beileve the problem stems from my personality.

  its weird. Its not a normal personality. I might come across normal if i were to meet you and you didnt know anything about me, for a brief encounter, but to KNOW me, i dont really know how people percieve me. I try to put on a smile and be happy around others to create a great energy.

  But deep down, i am not happy and suicidal.

  I am not always like this, i do tend to be normal but i dont think i have experinced a TRUE happy emotion in my life.

  As we all know, the things we go through in life mould us who we are today.

  I have had a shit life i would say, working in a chef industry, being treated like garbage, a bringing up by a moderately abusive father obsessed with control, and its brought bitterness out in me, yet i am a loving caring person.

  If i were to see someone hurt or unable to help themselves for whatever reason i would be the first to give up what i could to help them.

  yet every now and then i get these horrific spurts of suicide, which i know i would not follow through with, but its just there in my mind.

  i have arms and wrists covered in scars which i used to slash away, not for attention, in fact i always kept it secret. i did this because i wanted to feel SOEMTHING. to feel ALIVE.

  I think i am going through a pretty emotional stage again right now, possibly due to the fact that i cannot work for another month or so, plus all of the above reasons.

  I know this will pass as it always does. I just want to vent. not looking for sympathy, beileve me thats the last thing i want, i assure you, just nice to get it out of my mind and share a very indepth insight to my mind, from one human being on this planet, to you few others.

  Maybe some of you could relate to my brutal honesty, perhaps not.

  Pyschiatric wards do not work for me, been there done that. i felt out of place.

  perhaps my problem is, and i have ALWAYS thought this about myself, perhaps i THINK TOO MUCH!

  Anyway, if you have read this far i give you my applause.

  I actually feel better already strangely enough. Nice how it can make you feel reileved to vent out your mind.

  Im going for a smoke now. im sure the devil is stood right by my side
• 

  cantleave

  Hey DM6 - Hang in there. I don't know what to say to advise or comfort you, but you have been valuable to this board and I am sure you can be just as valuable in other parts of your life.

  If you can, seek professional advice, keep venting if that helps and keep posting on here. Please don't let depression completely destroy your self esteem - hey your different, that bloody awesome, the world would be such a drag if we were all the same.

  Take Care

  Angus
• 

  goldensky

  My dear dm6,

  I've just read what you've written and I wish from the bottom of my heart I could say something that would comfort you. But all I can think of saying is that though we are (probably) continents apart, I felt very close to you as I was reading and very, very desirous to help you out.

  Please know that many other readers will feel the same way. We all wish you found some happiness in life, and yes, it may happen in the most unexpected way. Life is SO full of surprises, some of them very positive, that you may find a few months or even weeks from now that you are actually enjoying your life.

  Until then, know many of us will be sending you positive energy in all sincerity.

  Love, OLGA.
• 

  Tralfamadorian

  perhaps i THINK TOO MUCH!

  You hit the nail right on the head there.

  This is probably why you have such a difficult time not abusing your Valium. Sometimes I toss and turn all night. Getting up, checking my farmville game on FB, trying to sleep again, getting up and playing Harvest Moon, trying to sleep again. Anything to shut my mind the hell up. I bet you have very deep philosophical conversations with yourself, don't you? "Blah, blah, blah..blarbity..what then? What then?" Am I close to the mark? And other nights you have to get up because you're very excited and enthused about something your mind was wheeling on about.

  If I'm correct in my guess, you probably think around corners so fast that you bump right back into yourself rounding the last corner! And getting caught up in cyclic thoughts, spinning your gears till you blow a head gasket. And then flump! You crash and feel like there's no solution to anything, everything's pointless and nothing matters.

  I've been to the nut hut 10 times since the age of 19 for suicidal ideations.

  I also hear you on the not dating bit too. I haven't had anything like real sex in 7 years. My ex stopped having sex with me before we split up for a year due to his own hangups. I had a brief affair, then we moved up north here in PA, USA. Five years of separation and one year of being divorced and I still can't be bothered with the annoyance of dating even though I'm lonely for companionship and touch starved for hugs, cuddling and sex. Mostly on account of still being hung up on my ex, who would gladly have what amounts to a sexless, live apart relationship. He is my best friend now that we've been separated and divorced.

  I cant relate to the cutting. I tried it one time and that only to see what the fuss was all about. I'm way too much of a wuss. Don't berate yourself for cutting, but do try to seek help for it.

  You sound to me as though you may have Borderline Personality Disorder and perhaps manic depressive as well. Double whammy.

  I wish I could tell you how to properly use your Valium, but I've never had a problem taking my xanax as prescribed. You probably need to not be taking them, since you have relief for five days and then suffer the rest of the month. I was that way with pain killers.

  Here's a song I bet you'd like and be able to relate to. It's kind of depressing, but I love to listen to it when I feel down on myself. Probably doesn't help me much, but it's music. *shrugs*

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_eOmvM-4zc&ob=av2e

  And having listened to that, here's something absolutely stunning and beautiful to bring you up!

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WhWDCw3Mng

  Message me privately if you need someone to talk to. :)
• 

  cptkirk

  dm6 - let me give you a few thoughts, hopefully they might help a little.

  you sound like a good dude. yea it sounds like you're in a pretty bad place though. one thing you have to remember is life is just a bunch of cycles. you have to get through the bad times, so you can get back to the good times. for example, the problem you are having with your health right now..you could very well outgrow those polyps, and before you know it, you have no need for drugs anymore and you are back to doing your thing as a chef with no problem. one thing that is extremely important though is that you are driven to accomplish. i see you said you dont feel like you have any motivation, that is your worst enemy right there. that is one thing you have to fight to retain. even when things are real bad, you cant let your drive completely disappear. just make small attempts to do a little each day in regard to your goals, and you will see this makes a difference, as opposed to throwing up your arms and giving up totally. (if you dont have goals then MAKE THEM! :P)

  (regarding your brother). everyone is on their own path, and has to figure things out for themselves. (each man will carry his own load). i dont want to cross any lines, but you never know, you might be separated at the moment for a reason. i had a lot of friends in highschool that are now big people in the world, although i had one friend who was just completely determined to throw his life away. i loved the guy, when we were just hangin out with other people from the neighborhood....but he got involved with some real shady stuff, i tried to help him, but he was really just determined to throw his life away. in retrospect i'm very glad i was gone when he finally did throw his life down the drain, because i realize there was nothing i could do to stop it from happening, and had i tried, i may have joined him in death.
• 

  Broken Promises

  Does your Dr know you're feeling depressed and suicidal? If not, PLEASE GO AND TELL YOUR DR. S/he can give you some appropriate medication and if you're eligible, also some counselling.

  If counselling is not available/affordable, CALL LIFELINE in NZ - 0800 543 354

  If it's any consolation, I also have depression and I can identify with all the symptoms you mention.

  I can also relate to the nasal ployps - I've had 2 operations so far, the last one was over a year ago. My right nasal passage is already half-blocked.

  And if you need to talk to someone, even tonight please call Lifeline 0800 543 354
• 

  dm6

  Cant Leave..thankyou for your words .. although this is a JW forum, its full of people with a lot of difficult life experiences and people of great understanding. I feel comfortable to be able to vent out for the first time about things.

  And to Goldensky - you are a human being at their finest. Your words felt like you were talking to me as if i were next to you already.

  I have my problems which i have listed, but i know just as the next person we all have problems each and everyone of us. some not as bad, some much worse than mine. but until now given that i have some sort of personality disorder i havent been able to talk openly to anybody, ever. For the first time in a very long time i feel i have made a connection with people, real honest genuine people. Thankyou ALL.

  tralfamadorian, i cant thankyou enough. - You have a PM.
• 

  dm6

  cptkirk - Thanks man, for the uplifting advice. i have had a lot of friends who have done the same thing regarding taking their own life. My brother is kind of caught up in that crowd too.

  I have an instinctive idea of what i have to do - in order to get things right again, motivation - and i think i will find that as soon as i have got myself working. I hate being inactive in general. i MUST be doing something.

  broken Promises: i will not tell my doctor about these issues, i have done it all in the past and been thrown in a nut house and got no where, in fact i was fed seroquel (quetiapien) anti pychotic drug which basically turns you into a vegetable.

  Regarding other medication i have been on long term use in the past of Fluoxetine Hydrocholoride (prozac), Citalopram, Propanalol and a number of others.

  The only thing that has ever really worked for me Diazepam. I understand its addictive substance and i will do my best to not go down the route of getting re addicted.

  On a slightly same but side note, would you care to PM me about your polyps? this is a really horrible thing for me to live with, i get constant headaches, wake up stuffy as hell, cannot smell or taste a thing, get tired a lot etc etc. What ops did you have? i have had 2 polypectomies anda FESS. but still they areback. I had my allergy testing done, turns out everything came back 0/10, but dog was a 3/10, and here is the worst, grass came back 10/10.

  Full reaction to grass. Cant escape the bloody stuff its everywhere! lol

  Anyway, sorry if my answers are quite brief for now, im trying to keep up, plust its now 1am.
• 

  dm6

  Goodnight for now everone. This is one of my favorites.
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  goldensky

  Hey, thanks so much for letting us see your face! And for the beautiful song... Good night to you, dm6.