Update On Elder Suicide

by Nat 30 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Smoldering Wick

  I remember the Sunday morning of the CO's visit to our hall. I walked in full of smiles, hugged and greeted everyone. After greeting an elder's wife, she matter-of-factly stated that brother "name withheld" a ministerial servant in our hall had committed suicide. I was stunned and completely overwhelmed with sadness. I sat on an isle seat and balled my eyes out. The meeting was about to begin, but I couldn't compose myself. That was when I felt a brush on my shoulder. It was the CO. He said "It will be ok...at least we have the New Order" and walked away.

  I remember standing up for the songs that meeting and wondering how everyone could be so 'normal'? Maybe they didn't know that our dear friend had shot himself in the head in his music store. Perhaps they weren't thinking of his beautiful wife and his three awesome children he left behind to clean it up. I was shaking. But, the meeting went on as planned. Like nothing had happened.

  I found out later, that is how they all coped. They pretended it didn't happen. The funeral was brief. All of the brothers had red eyes and were wearing dark glasses...he was a good friend and certainly was going to be missed. But, as I cried and hugged some of the brothers...I noticed the silence. They were holding back their emotion.

  Weeks and months passed. The widow was ignored. The children were ignored. Just as quickly as it had happened...it was forgotten.

  During one of our few visits (which I regret now to no end) a friend and I asked this new widow if the brothers and sisters had been visiting her. She put her head down and sadly said "No, no one has." No calls. No cards. No visits. After we left, my friend and I talked as to why we thought this sister had been so neglected. Maybe it was because they didn't have any answers. They couldn't use their bible and explain this situation away. Maybe it was because they heard rumors that this brother who committed suicide had an affair and killed himself out of guilt...and fear of disfellowshipping. Maybe it was because they had judged him already of not worthy of life. We didn't know.

  Nat said:

  Had a 3 hours visitation and a lot of people were upset over that.

  
  
  They were upset that this man who probably gave his life to the Org...had three hours remembrance? Please, how very selfish.

  I will tell you this, personal I feel the org. had their hand in his suicide. They were going to disfellowship him the Sunday he took his life.

  Disfellowshipping is in no way a "loving arrangement" from the society. It is a death sentence. Literally for some.

  My dad took his life. Could never live up to being a j.w. either. It's tough and alot to take if you think about it.

  
  I'm so very sorry Nat.

  "Tenderly...
  may time heal your sorrow,

  Gently...
  may friends ease your pain,

  Softly...
  may peace replace heartache,

  And may warmest memories remain."

  Thank-you for all your post and replies. His suicide did stir up some old ghosts, but I'm doing better. I want be talking to my sister-in-law. She's a j.w., but I'll send her a card.

  
  
  Nat, I'm glad you are doing better. One day at a time. I don't know your situation with the JWs, but, don't let that stop you from being there for your sister-in-law. Even if it's just a card you send....it's probably more than she'll get from her "family" of JWs.

  Lots of Love,

  wick
• 

  Nat

  Your post made me cry. Thank-you for being so sweet Wick. Actually I'm doing fine today. I'm in counceling and I've got a great husband. He's my soft place to fall.
  By the way....I'm going to be going by the name Tinkerbell4125 instead of Nat. Just wanted to let you know! Maybe one day I'll post my story. =:o)

  I will send my sister-in-law a card. After my dad took his life, I was in a daze for 6 months.....couldn't tell you who was at his funeral if my life depended on it. I was a complete zombie. It's all like a dream. It's been 5 years now. I still remember him dying right in front of me. I remember touching the blood in his hair.
• 

  Beck_Melbourne

  Tinkerbell...very sorry to hear about your loss in the past and your sister in law's recent loss also. Many of us can relate to that feeling of despair...no where to go...no one to talk to...and that overwhelming guilt. I was an active witness in a small town when a young witness boy chose to take his own life. He left behind a suicide note...and on that note he named people who had wronged him and his family...elders in particular. He was a third generation witness...both his parents were witnesses...and both grandparents on both sides. His father was a prominent elder..with an older brother serving in Bethel and a sister who was a pioneer. This particular boy was under a lot of pressure...to be what was 'expected' of him...but the hypocrisy within the congregation and within the elder arrangement left much to be desired. What was expected of this boy? To follow in the footsteps of his brother of course...to go pioneering...to marry a fellow pioneer sister...to set spiritual goals...and one day to be an elder or PO like his father and Grandfather. BUT...sadly...this was not who he wanted to be...he wanted to be an ordinary teenager...meet girls...play sports on Saturdays...look forward to xmas...etc. The pressure became too much to bear...and he was tired of always disappointing his parents.

  I remember the support from the elders at that time was pretty slack...the father was removed from the body of elders...and he was reprimanded for causing a division in the congregation...as he chose to leave the suicide note on the coffin for everyone to read....he was gently persuaded to remove the note...as names were mentioned.

  I know there are others out there who can relate to the desperation one feels when they are torn between an obligation to be what is expected of them....or to be true to oneself.

  Thank you for allowing some of us to reflect and share some of our own experiences. Thoughts are with you and others who have suffered.

  Regards
  Beck
• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  Thank-you Beck!

  I've come to the conclusion that I've got to keep my distance from my sister-in-law. I'll send her a card and tell her how sorry I was to hear about her brother. I've tryed to interact in a civil way with my j.w. siblins, but I find it too diffult to handle. I find that my emotional state of mind is alot healthier when I keep my distance. To me, they are all in their own little world and I just want to grab them and shake them!!!!!!!!! My siblins, j.w. and non j.w. pretty much split when our parents passed.

  My father was a abusive mean man.
  My mother drowned herself in the org.
  I feared him and failed her.
  It has been a life changing experience to finally after my whole life, being raised the way I was, to finally understand everything so clearly. To realize that what you thought to be the truth your whole life, to find out that you've been living in the never never land. To able to forgive your father for taking his life. To learn my limitations and learn how and when to say NO, has been a freedom and sense of peace that cannot put into words.

  It's 5 months and 2 weeks and 4 days since my sister-in-laws, brother took his life, it is when the people have stopped sending food, it is when the phone has stopped ringing, it is when people stop dropping in, it's when you find yourself all by yourself and it hits you like a ton of bricks that paralizes you. All the emotions of grief that comes with someones suicide. Deep saddness, anger, quilt, asking why, why, why, denial, shock, you still can't believe this has happened. The fog has turned into reality and you've woken from your bad dream. That's when I'll send her a card. From out of the blue.

  I know how the org. frowns upon professial help. I know that personally. I fear that she wont get the proper help in dealing with this. She has suffered a serious trama to her nervous system! She's a pioneer and my brother is a elder. For some reason, I don't see them seeking help outside the org.
• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  I need to proof read my post. Sorry for all the errors! I type too fast!
• 

  plmkrzy

  I'm very sorry. That is another thing I never thought was right. Not allowing memorial services for those who took their own lives. That especially should be a time when everyone tries to give comfort to the family members and they don't. Why they don't understand that is way beyond me.
  plm
• 

  Beck_Melbourne

  Tinks

  I guess there's not a lot you can do or say that will comfort your JW relatives...they are conditioned to see death not as the nations...so they won't want to admit that they are weak by seeking help outside the borg...professional help that is. For as long as they are strong (spiritually)...they will reject outside help...which is sad...but they do what they are taught and trained to do.

  Like you, I still have family 'in' and some 'out'. It's not easy is it? And there are so many issues from being raised in the 'truth' that has screwed us all up....and what would normally be an ordinary family matter becomes a federal case because we (ex jw members) have to respect the conscience of JW family members.

  How do you cope with the mixed family situation? I'd be interested to know your story. If you have posted it already....could you direct me in the right direction as I'm new to this forum and I'm not up with who's who in the zoo lol.

  Thanks
  Beck
• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  Messenger, since you seem to know Ron, and I know Ron, I was wondering if I knew you!!!

  I don't remember mentioning his name when I posted. Are you from this area, could we know each other!!!!!!

  I emailed you, but I'm not sure if you got it or not.
  I hope I hear back from you!!!
• 

  bigfloppydog

  Tinkerbell

  Just wanted to express my sympathy to you and your sister-in-law and family, what a very sad thing to have happened, but as I read your posts, it shows me who your true friends are and who are not, I have experienced also in past when things go terribly wrong in ones life and you expect support from org. and people in org. that the support is not there. I have been at a point in my life once or twice where I thought taking my life was the only way out, it's a terrible feeling. But I got through it. Once again my sincere Condolences to you all. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
• 

  Nat

  Thank-You Big!
  I'm glad you came through that tough time. =:o)
  I've realized that through all this, that if someone is depressed, that there is help out there. I have my bad days, but I realize that it will pass....and as Scarlette said, *Tomorrow IS another day!*
  We've all got to hang in there. Appreciate everyday we've got and realize whats really important. =:o)
  p.s. I'm going by Tinkerbell4125 now, instead of Nat =;o)