I need divorce advice !!!

by nightwing02 15 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Valis

  Well I sincerely doubt that marriage counseling will help when you know you don't want to be with someone. Its better to be alone than with someone who no longer makes you happy. If kids are involved, both parties need to make sure they can maintain a friendly and loving atmosphere for the kids. Staying together for the sake of kids is suicidal in my opinion, and really only causes resentment and further family alienation in the long run. It would do you well to have a long sit down talk about what each of you want and if the concensus is that you are no longer in love, then divvy up your belongings and get a cheap divorce. It doesn't mean you can't still be friends. As well, try separating for a while. Sometimes being apart reminds you of long lost feelings for the other person, and if you are lucky being apart from you will cause them to have simmilar feelings towards you. I guess I'm way too jaded and sarcastic to suggest a marriage counselor, but it could work for you, as long as going to see a counselor is a joint descision..Best of luck.

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
• 

  safe4kids

  Nightwing,

  I don't think that any of us here are qualified to tell you what you *should* do. However, having gone through a divorce, with kids, I can share my thoughts and feelings.

  I do believe that marriages are worth the effort to save, if at all possible. By that, I mean that if there is any chance of both parties finding happiness in the marriage again, then steps can be taken to accomplish that. Counseling is certainly a good route to go, if you're both interested in salvaging the relationship.

  Staying together ONLY because of children is not a good idea, imo. Kids are extremely perceptive and have usually picked up on problems, sometimes long before the adults have. In my situation, the tension in our family was so palpable, you could cut it with a knife. I tried everything I could think of to save the marriage, but I think we had left it too long. It also takes commitment on the part of BOTH spouses; if only one is trying, it won't work. I finally had to decide if I really wanted my children to constantly be in a tension-filled environment and did I want them thinking "This is what a marriage is like." The answers to both of those questions was an unequivocal NO.

  We separated for awhile and both of us came to the realization that what once was, would never be again. Yes, it was extremely painful; yes, my children were hurt a great deal, which I hated!!! But I think it was best for all of us. I suppose only time will tell for sure. As Wendy said, though, if you have children together, it is vital that you not give vent to anger and bitterness about the other parent. Counseling for them, as well, is a good idea.

  At this point, divorced for more than a year and having been apart for about 2 and a half years, my ex and I are pretty good friends and are able to maintain a supportive and cooperative relationship with each other that our kids have benefitted greatly from.

  Good luck to you; I wish you all the best.

  Dana
• 

  mommy

  After reading Dana's post, I wanted to come back in here to clarify my statements. She made me realize that perhaps I sounded too caustic in my post.(thanks Dana) I in no way feel that I have the right to tell you what to do in terms, of getting counselling. The only reason I feel it is a must when you have children, is because I feel that their well being far exceeds what an adult may feel.

  I don't think people should stay together for the children either. My parents did this, and it lead to a pretty messed up childhood. I just feel that exploring all options when children are involved is important. Not only will counselling help you to put your feelings into words, it may help the communication between your wife and yourself.

  As I said my sister is going through a seperation now, and her husband is staying here with us. I guess that is why I was so emotional with my response. She unlike many adults is very immature and withholding the children from him, not even letting him talk to them on the phone, until he gives her money etc. Childish behavior that only confuses the kids and gets my goat. I believe their relationship is one that cannot be saved, yet all of the added stress involving the children has to be so unsettling for them. They are confused as it is.

  Anyway, I am sorry if I sounded so preachy, I really hope the best for you.
  wendy

  When I leave, you will know I have been here
• 

  slipnslidemaster

  Do you want to know why divorces cost so much?

  Because they're worth it!!

  Slipnslidemaster:"Baywatch has enriched and, in many cases, helped save lives. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to continue with a project which has has such a significance for so many."
  - David Hasselhoff
• 

  orangefatcat

  It boils down to two things, love and respect, if you have any of it left then it is worth working at making it work, If your love and respect have long pasted, then why agonize it any longer. Life is far to short to be unhappy and miserable, there is enough of that in this world.
  When I divorced my ex I can tell you I had long lost my love and respect for him. Living with him was nightmare, He destroyed in me the will to be who I was, and he lead me down a mental and emotional, and phycological road that I almost killed myself. One day just over two yrs ago, I woke up and smelled the smoke, and I have not once looked back or regretted leaving this fanatical Jehovah's Witness. Our 23 yr old son has no respect and little love for his father who had no time for him and he was only interested in saving the world and looking good to everyone in the KH. Believe me If you have no love or respect you have nothing to build or fix your marriage. I am very happy today for the choices I made. It is my sincere hope that you find the answers you need, as the advice given to you by others here is good. All the very best. Be happy. And if you have a sparkle of love, start today and have a very Happy Valentines Day.

  PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME !!
• 

  lydia

  Nightwing...
  First, let me express my deep regrets that you are thinking of this.
  I know that things seem very bad - but you need to talk to someone who may be able to help you find out what has changed in the marriage.

  I agree with Mommy and Safe4Kids..if there are kids involved it is a very difficult thing.

  If you are thinking that the divorce will solve all of your happiness needs - then you need to take a step back and rethink this.. divorce makes alot more problems than anyone - except those who have been through one can ever realize.

  I urge you to seek marriage counciling and to try to sit down and write down what it was that drew you two together in the first place..then really look at the list you have made and try to figure out what has changed.

  Unfortunatly if one is determined to divorce - even if the other doesn't want it - you are in a losing battle and you have my sympathies.

  Please know you can e-mail me any time you wish - I have been through this process 2 times unfortunatly and yes, it did include children each time.

  Best wished to you in this...

  ((HUGS))

  Lyd