HOW DO YOU CONTINUE? (page 3)

angel.face

Thanks guys, so much great advice! Reading your replies and stories really helps to see things from a different perspective. Which is something that was impossible to do as a witness. Well I'm still a witness...but you know what I mean. ;)

I listened to Steve Jobs' graduation speech yesterday and it really lifted my spirits.

I see a lot of you guys are suggesting the slow route and I can see how that can be effective. But some of you have made your decision rather quickly. I think the end result is imminent though painful. And for me, I do not see the point of continuing the self-torture and giving those wonderful people anymore of my precious time - which I will never get back.

When I first read CoC I talked to my husband about my doubts. I started with (very tactfully) 'the GB is a false prophet hahahaha that was a bad move. Went on to talk about history of the society, society made rules, and alternative service. Although the conversation was very heart-to-heart he did not agree with anything I said. Rather he said it is the truth 110%. And the next day he started with the idea that I should have a shepherding call which went on for a few weeks and I kept saying that I did not want one.

Since then I do not say anything and neither does he. There is always an elephant in the room and I know he knows it. There's this unbearable tension between us. He's afraid to talk about it because he knows what will happen. And that's where we are for now.

I am supposed to get Releasing the Bonds in the mail today and I plan to ask him to read it with me.....I'll let you know what happens.

OnTheWayOut

"Slow" means different things to different people. In my case, I was suggesting "slow decision-making" and not rushing down a path without planning. That doesn't mean getting the hell out of the Kingdom Hall or recruiting work. I did what many call a lightning-fast fade. I resigned as an elder in August and was completely done with meetings 7 months later.

Nobody is suggesting that you stick around in the religion for years and continue indoctrinating your child while you try to figure this out. "Slow" in helping your daughter would involve months or maybe just weeks of bringing her into your confidence to ensure that she knows where you stand and how the two of you will proceed. Or "slow" could mean months to figure out how to fade away and keep your marriage intact, or how to leave it all behind you.

"Releasing the Bonds" does mention JW's, but it appears you have already shown yourself with CoC. It sounds like you don't need to go too "slow" if you have gone that far already.

Razziel

Tricky road. If you go slow, you might get your husband out, and you might not. I would love if there were a comparison of people who have been out a couple of years and those that have been out 10+ years.

In my personal experience, the longer I've been gone, the more I wish I had stopped the facade even faster than I did. Human nature is to be afraid of the unknown, and I was no different, so I took it slow. We know where we'd like to be in life, and we know we aren't at that point now, but we're afraid of what happens between point A and point B. Now I wish I had just been done with it and let the chips fall where they may. I'm not saying let yourself be drawn into a conflagration where you let it all out and get DF'd for apostacy. You don't owe anyone an explanation. I just wish I had stopped altogether and moved on faster. It is actually quite amazing how fast you can go from model Elder/MS/Pioneer, etc. to out of sight out of mind. One of the bright points of JW conditional love is that once you stop, very few will even care that you left, which makes leaving relatively fast (within a few months) all the more easier.

Time is precious. We've already spent enough in futile devotion to a fringe religion. My guess is that 20 years from now, you'll wish you had stopped pretending as quickly as possible. Just don't let yourself get drawn into saying something that can get yourself DF'd. No need to burn your bridges unless that's something you decide personally you want to do.

Nice_Dream

It is very hard to keep up a front. Once I learned the truth about the truth, I couldn't handle the meetings anymore and stopped going cold turkey. Fortunately my husband stopped going too, although he still believed it was "the truth." We were probably considered fringe witnesses, low service hours, no commenting, etc., but the elders came by every month for almost a year! We did our best to avoid them and not answer the door. Once they asked us if we still believed it was the truth and we said yes. After a year and a half they no longer stop by.

To try and persuade my husband, I asked him to help me understand the latest generation change and what scripture it was based on. Then I asked him to help me figure out how to calculate 607, and he came up with a different date. He was very upset and refused to talk to me about our beliefs anymore. He also told me he would always be a JW. We argued for months about different doctrine, and then I backed off. After a year he finally told me he didn't believe it was the truth, and confessed he always had a hard time rationalizing science with the religion.

If I could go back and change things, I wouldn't have come across too strong at the beginning, and I would have gone to a counselor earlier to help me process things and have support.

Wishing you the best on this journey, PM me anytime if you like.

Scarred for life

Good post, Razziel. I would imagine that many feel the same as you.

lola-rabbit

Your only real concern should be your kids and your husband... if... you still love each other and you're willing to stick it out for him.

If you stop cold turkey, bring out your claws, and bring out everything that you have inside, the outcome will be getting expelled for apostate (remember this sin has no mercy or forgiveness). Are you ready to face all that?

Will your husband try to divorce you? Will he try to take your kids away? If he is %110 JW as he claims this is the truth, he will not leave you... but how will your relationship suffer? How will this affect your kids?

If you wait and have patience, you have the opportunity of getting your husband on board. Hard choice to make, I know you must feel desperate.

ShadesofGrey

I am in no way a JW at this point, but if I disassociate I know several family members that would suffer, so I am taking things very slowly with the family.

I told my parents that I will not be discussing my return to meetings because going to meetings worsens my depression, causing fear and anxiety about the Great Tribulation and causing me to stop praying due to unworthy feelings. These feelings are better when I don't attend meetings and worse when I do... so I will not discuss it.

I know one person, a man, who continues to go to meetings with his wife and child, but the child is much younger and this man is a Christian, so the circumstances are different. I do not know how I would be able to stand it.

I would read Combatting Cult Mind Control and see if you can use the techniques on your husband. I haven't read Releasing the Bonds yet. I am hoping there are good things in there, but I would not have your husband read it with you if he is so 110% opposed to what you have to say.

Sending positive thoughts, strength and prayers your way.

Sisterly love,

SOG

Momma-Tossed-Me

Same situation here A-F. Spouse is resolute JW. My children are still very young but the oldest who is 5, might be getting it.

Hang in there. The more happy you seem not doing the typical Jdub schedule of events the better.

Make no mistake it is hard though, mentally and physically and everyone has a different experience.

This conversion of thought will be a total game changer for your life, but there will be some rocky times ahead.

God speed......

MTM

wannabefree

angel.face .... if may make a suggestion .... "Releasing the Bonds" is very good, but is more about techniques to use on cult members, it also specifically refers to cases about Jehovah's Witnesses ... this one might be offensive to your husband .... "Combatting Cult Mind Control" draws from Steve Hassans own experience getting indoctrinated into the Moonies and is very pointed about cult tactics and much of them are used by JW's, however, Witnesses aren't mentioned in this book, it might be a better choice to read with your husband.

Mickey mouse

I second wannabefree's advice.

I broke the news to my husband by reading aloud passages of Steve Hassan's first book Combatting Cult Mind Control. A couple of days later he was tempted to throw the book in the fire.

HOW DO YOU CONTINUE?

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