Reached Out Only To Be Rejected

by Quendi 21 Replies latest jw friends

  • Quendi
    Quendi

    I want to thank one and all for your thoughts on this matter. I deeply appreciate them. Perhaps I have been overhasty in judging my friend and his family. A death in the family is always traumatic, and they may all still be grieving and suffering too much right now to acknowledge the many expressions of sorrow and sympathy they have undoubtedly received. That is something I should keep in mind.

    At the same time, I am glad I did write to them to let them know that I still cared about them and loved them. I know that was the right thing to do whether I ever get a response or not. I know that in some way I have contributed to their healing and recovery and it makes me glad to know this. We live in a world where normal thoughtfulness sometimes gets misplaced because of so many competing demands and emotional pressures.

    I also want to remember that the WTS may also have played a role in my non-response. It does teach its members to regard those of us who have left to be lower than animals, utterly lacking in human decency. Whether this teaching and attitude had a direct role in my friend's thinking is something I cannot say. But regardless of that, what I want to do is follow the law of Christ in this regard. In the Sermon on the Mount, he reminded us that his Father makes his sun shine upon the good and wicked, and that he gives rain to the righteous and the unrighteous. So I want to continue to do likewise in my own small way. But once again, my friends, please accept my gratitude for all your support for me in this situation.

    Quendi

  • straightshooter
    straightshooter

    It was very kind on your part to express your sympathies over the death of a Witness that you knew. Sadly JWs have no common courtesy or simple decency to anyone who is da or df. Remember that the WTS has repeatedly pounded into the minds of their sheep to treat da and df this way. My wife told me that last Sunday's talk emphasized keeping loyal to Jehovah by shunning such ones.

  • Magwitch
    Magwitch

    Quendi, I am so sorry you have lost a friend (did I know her?). What you did was beautiful and I am sure it was/is appreciated.

    When my brother was killed I could not function properly for a couple of years. I never responded to any of the cards I received, and yet everyone of them meant the world to me. I still have them all by my bed - I will never get rid of them because of how deeply every card touched me. Before Derek's death, I rarely sent sympathy cards, now I always do. I am sure your card meant a lot to the brother. You did the right thing.

  • DesirousOfChange
    DesirousOfChange

    QUENDI: That was a month ago. I have never received an acknowledgment of my letter nor any other expression of thanks for sending it or a shred of appreciation for the thoughtfulness I showed. I'm not hurt or wounded, but it is fair to say that I am disappointed. After all, common courtesy and simple decency would have prompted almost everyone else to respond. It shows the warped and twisted thinking that Jehovah's Witnesses have that they can't exhibit the love they claim is the major feature of their religion and personality.

    Quendi, You showed yourself to be a good friend, and it was surely a risk. However, I would not judge them so negatively based only on the fact that you did not receive a return acknowledgement for your sympathy note. At least here, it is not customary to send a reply when one receives a card or letter of sympathy, although it definitely is for a floral or memorial contribution. We received over 200 sympathy cards when we recently lost a family member. I hope we were not ill-mannered in that we did not respond to every card or letter. The funeral parlor provided sufficient acknowledgement cards for every floral or memorial contribution that was sent, so I'm presuming that is the current etiquette.

    DOC

  • 144001
    144001

    That was a month ago. I have never received an acknowledgment of my letter nor any other expression of thanks for sending it or a shred of appreciation for the thoughtfulness I showed. I'm not hurt or wounded, but it is fair to say that I am disappointed.

    Quendi,

    With all due respect, your expectation that a decedent's surviving family would send you a "thank you" or other acknowledgment of your sympathy letter within a month of the decedent's passing is not reasonable. I don't know if you've had to deal with death in your immediate family, but I have personally dealt with a close family member's passing, including arranging mortuary services, purchasing a cemetery plot, arranging the JW "memorial" service, arranging/organizing the graveside service, and dealing with the after-service get together and all of the relatives. It was overwhelming for me and I did not send "thank you" cards to anyone for months, and when I did send them, they were only sent to those who actually assisted me in dealing with this, provided something of value to my family, or otherwise deserved special thanks. We received hundreds of sympathy cards. I did not and do not have time to respond to all of them.

    It appears that you've assumed that the lack of response is something particularly directed at you, as a df'd former JW. While that is indeed possible, I think it is unlikely. Most JWs are above the shunning nonsense (although my siblings were shunned at another JW funeral) when there is a death. Give it some time before coming to any conclusions, especially negative ones. There may be a very good explanation for the lack of a response to date.

    Maybe 6 months from now, if this is that significant to you, you should consider contacting the family member(s) you wrote to, via telephone or in person, to again express your condolences, and see how they respond. Then you can really assess their attitude towards you.

  • BroMac
    BroMac

    you did a good deed. no doubt also it was good for you to write about your friend.

  • Ding
    Ding

    All you can control are your own attitude and actions.

    You did the right thing.

  • life is to short
    life is to short

    I am still coming to terms with everything JW and the one that I am having a really hard time with is when my husband had his second major heart attack.

    It was a Tuesday morning and that night was a our school and service meeting. My husband was the school overseer. After his first major heart attack his fellow body of elders had him right back up the next week conducting. I was getting ready for work when the place where he work called me telling me they were rushing him to the hospital and he was having major chest pains.

    I threw on some cloths and grabbed the phone list for the hall and left. The first person I wanted to call was the PO COBE so if by some chance they did let my husband out of the hospital he would not conduct that night. The PO is hard to reach at work and all I got was his cell voice mail. So I called his home and his wife answered. Now mind you I was driving and talking on my phone at the same time not know what conduction my husband is in just that he is having a major heart attack.

    I never, never, never call the PO or his wife they keep to themselves in the hall. They have six kids who are in their mid teens to early 30' and the wife only talks to her kids at the meetings. In many ways it is truly rude the wat she will huddle with her daughters before and after the meetings and that is all she usually ever speaks to. The wife is also a pioneer who brags about all the Bible studies she has and how much Jehovah is blessing her, yad, yad, yad. How she always wanted to me a missionary but the kids started to come and she always regretted never full feeling her dream. OK that one I always felt was selfish. I wanted kids to but I listened to the FS and went where the need was great then to Bethel. There is a thing called birth control that she could have used. Anywho getting back to my speaking to her on the phone while I was driving to the hospital with my husband having a heart attack. Her first words to me were WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I said just tell your husband when you can. She said I CANT NOT GET A HOLD OF HIM HE IS AT WORK! Now mind you I am driving and extremely upset, I never just out of the blue call this woman this is truly an emergency. She repeats again that she CAN NOT GET A HOLD OF HER HUSBAND! And again asks what I want her to do for me?

    I was just blown away with her, it was clear that I was bothering her and she just wanted me OFF THE PHONE! So I tried to be calm and said at some point today will you speak to your husband right? She said yes. I said at that point could you please tell him my husband is having a major heart attack and that he will not be at the meeting to conduct the school so your husband needs to find someone to fill in.

    Now this is where she truly hurt me. She said WELL I CANNOT HELP YOU AS I HAVE TO GO OUT IN SERVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt like I had been rebuked and slapped in the face. She was clearly talking to me as if I were a simple minded child and I was really, really bothering her. At the time I did feel bad that I had called her, I felt that I was in the wrong. This happened in 2007 and until I found this board in late 2008, in the back of my mind I felt I had been the one who had been rude for bothering her by calling her.

    She never came up to the hospital, never called me on the phone to ask how I was doing, even though my husband was in ICU for three days. I never heard a peep from her. After he was back conducting the school the NEXT WEEK she never came up to me at the meeting just huddled in a ball with her daughters like she always did.

    Trying to convert strangers to her religion is more important the helping her sister in the truth when she calls with a major problem. I now realize that I was not in the wrong for calling her but like I said for years in the back of my mind I have felt I was wrong.

    This religion is just so unloving it is just sick, that is all there is to it.

    LITS

  • mouthy
    mouthy

    life is to short...<<< that says it all,Thank GOD you recognized that life gets
    MUCH better when you find out that the "friends" like her are NOT needed.
    This is how you will know them BY THE LOVE THEY HAVE AMONG THEM!!!!!I guess she didnt,dont know what love is.Have to pray for that one.
    Thinking of you every night

    Mouthy Grace

  • Quendi
    Quendi

    What a horrible story, life is to short! And while it may not be typical of all or even most Witnesses, the fact that it happened at all speaks volumes about the values this religion instills in its followers. I am glad your husband recovered, but for the BOE to insist that he conduct the TMS almost immediately afterward proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that none of these men should be serving in any capacity. I'm glad you have made good your escape and, as mouthy says, you have discovered these people are not your friends.

    As others have posted, we should do the right thing regardless of what others do. Jesus said there is more happiness in giving than in receiving. It is sad that this woman does not understand this. Her actions at the hall show that her lack of love and concern for others is not directed solely at you. She has no close relationships with anyone outside her family, if she even has good ones there. How sad!

    Quendi

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