After years of hard drug use, My boyfriend (now husband) and I finally quit when I got pregnant. I went strictly to "marijuana maintenance." While staying home with my new baby, a witness started calling on me and eventually offered me a bible study. My husband said, "you know, if you keep being nice to those people, they're gonna keep coming back!"
I didn't mind. I was happy to learn there is a God, and I thought studying the bible was cool. I came to love Jehovah so much and wanted to be in good standing with him that I even tried to quit smoking pot. I failed many times. I finally told him, "look, I'm doing this for you, so if you want me to quit, you're going to have to take the desire completely away from me." And you know what? He did.
From then on, religion was my new obsession. I busted my a** in the borg: dragging my two small children to all the meetings and assemblies, aux. pioneering twice a year, making my 10 hrs. a month in service. I wanted to please people and found that the cong. readily accepted and encouraged my obsession.
After 8 years, I was drained, disillusioned, and depressed. I saw that in many ways dubs were worse than "wordly" people: they were hypocrites! They condemn the world while they find loopholes for their own misconduct. They were drunks, liars, gossips, etc. But after hearing for years that "there was NO SITUATION that the elders could not handle," I believed it.
I happened upon some Vicodin in my grandmother's medicine cabinet. After that bottle and the 6 refills, I started going to different doctors complaining of back pain to get more. I eventually started buying Valium and Xanax on the street because they were easy to find and mimicked my drug of choice. When I ran out, I went nuts! One day in desperation, I asked a neighbor for some pot. Marijuana for me is a spiritual killer. I felt so disconnected and depressed. I cried every day, even while smoking, but could't stop.
I finally told the elders I needed to talk with them. I met with two of them - men I had known and "worshipped on the podium" for years. When I told them the situation, their faces didn't budge, their emotions didn't change. They told me: I was being selfish, I needed more meetings, service, and personal study. They said that since this was a personal matter, they wouldn't tell anyone else except the PO. They finished with "we're really concerned and want to help. Call us any time."
The next week, each of them approached me after a meeting and asked how I was doing. Another week, they waved and said HI. A month goes by and they're too busy to look at me. I'm hurt. I stare at them as they give talks about bringing people in to the loving cong. They avoid eye contact. I'm pissed. Months go by and when I walk in the hall, they run in the other direction. Yet they still have the courage to stand up there and talk about the loving elder arrangement.
My drug use goes from bad to worse, much worse. I reason that if the elders don't think it's a big deal, I shouldn't think it's a big deal. If I'm not worth their time and love, maybe I'm just not worth it.
My husband catches me shooting up cocaine at home. He tells me get clean or get out. I agree to rehab. I call the elders and say I need to meet with them. I meet with one of the original two (my book study conductor) and the PO. I say directly to the PO, "you know about my problem." He played dumb: "uh, I thought that was a few years ago." "No, it was 6 months ago." I tell them about my drug use. Are they mad? ("what the hell were you thinking?") Were they worried? ("you could have died!") Were they apologetic? ("we're so sorry, we didn't know your problem had gotten that bad.") No, their faces didn't move. They were cold, indifferent, and detached.
Something finally clicked in my head. I saw that there was something seriously sick about these men. I began to prepare emotionally for my JC.
At the JC, I played the truly repentant, don't-hold-a-grudge, witness. The PO ATE IT UP! (He's an egomaniac!) He told me that obviously I hadn't applied the counsel I had received 6 months ago. (what counsel?) He then stressed to me that Jehovah would NEVER forget what I had done. My book study conductor sat there looking stupid - he can't help it. On a positive note, the 3rd elder, the other original, opened with an apology for not showing more concern after the initial meeting. He almost said "we" but then stopped short and only apologized for himself. He looked like he was going to cry. The other 2 just sat there. I was privately reproved.
Although I had played nice at the JC, I knew it was a crock and began to fear the org. I prayed to Jehovah, "look, if you want me to stay, I'll stay. But if I and my children are in spiritual danger here, make it clear to me and I'll go." I continued going to meetings until God provided an answer.
One night when leaving the hall, the once-sorrowful elder comes running out of the hall to talk to me. He says, "We need to meet with you. A JW couple saw you smoking cigarettes in public. It is a form of spiritism and a serious offense." I almost laugh! "You weren't too concerned when I was smoking pot." He gets very defensive: "We gave you counsel and we thought you had applied."
I walk away. I get some calls to come to my JC. No thanks, go ahead. I finally get a call from the PO saying I've been DF. Yea, I figured as much. He says, " you're kind of like a puppy. Sometimes a puppy wants to be whipped and punished. They want attention." Yea, whatever, you pervert!
And thus my prayer was answered. I have been set free from a spiritually diseased religion that uses guilt and powermongering to control its members.
Thanks HP, and thank you all for listening and understanding.
(insert words of wisdom here)
DINKY