I was a third generation witness, a ministerial servant twice in my life, a failed pioneer (I only made it six months). When the article about higher education come out, my family finally decided it was okay for me to get a two year degree. And that enabled me to provide for myself--before that is was impossible.
Toward the end, I was inactive for a year and, in retrospect, I could have easily faded had I been wise. But sometimes I thought I felt the presence of God in a congregation or two, while the vast majority felt dead to me. Of course, maybe a Divine force is at work through individuals of many religions, and that is what I sensed. Maybe this sense is nothing more than a collective super-consciousness formed by a gathering of like-minded believers. Or maybe I was an idiot.
I wanted to repent and make things right. I wanted spiritual help. I wanted to the experience of the prodigal son, and the various Gospel parables and stories where a repentant sinner returns and is accepted back. I felt confident that God and Christ were merciful and that certainly the elders were in the right hand of Christ. All I needed to do was come forward, confess, and they would give me spiritual help.
I quickly discovered that whatever I imagined was in that congregation did not stem the elders on the judicial committee. Still, I felt a confidence, though, however waved, that if I prayed that God would hear me and move the brothers on the appeal committee. After all, the merciful are shown mercy are they not? That's what we sung. They felt mercy was shown once…and apparently that was the limit, despite Jehovah being a God "full of mercy".
I begged them. I cried…and as a male, I do not cry often. I told them I couldn't get spiritually better without support of friends and family. I needed them to rally around me more than ever. I needed encouragement from the brothers and sisters and to work with them. After all, I thought to myself, it was not good for a perfect man to be alone, and prayer wasn't sufficient for his companionship needs, how much more so a sinner like me! I was willing to be clay in the hands of the elders, if they would only work with me on a regular basis. I had changed. I was determined not to repeat my mistakes which were committed during a period of dark depression after my wife left. The last thing I needed is to be abandoned again…this time, by EVERYONE I knew!
But that whole experience showed me what was in the heart of the organization. Thick headed, hard-hearted men that are not qualified to help anyone spiritually. Unyielding bureaucracy and blind, one-size-fits-all procedure. They did not prove to be a "hiding place from the wind and a place of concealment from the rainstorm, like streams of water in a waterless country, like the shadow of a heavy crag in an exhausted land." They were the very ones throwing me out into the storm, abandoning me in wilderness and robbing me of any refreshment.
I attended one meeting after the final decision…before the announcement. But it was difficult. I have severe social anxiety. It made field service very difficult and because of this, I always thought I was going to be destroyed no matter what. Like many here, I have very low self esteem. One part came from having an alcoholic father, who was an elder for up until he stepped down a few years ago. It is strange how many times they look the other way on drunkenness.
But back to my social anxiety after the Decision. I was having a panic attack in the back row--and they hadn't even made the announcement yet. Afterward, I did manage to attend the Memorial because it was so ingrained in me that I could not miss that, but that was held at an assembly hall. And my ex-wife, who was disfellowshipped by then too, came with me. It helped having somebody with me.
After that, I never returned. With my social anxiety, and due to them blocking out the back rows, it was very hard to attend. It was hard to begin with, but after being proclaimed an 'unrepentant sinner', and having to be scrutinized week after week before a multitude, it was just too painful. Those without social anxiety could never understand. Also--to hear the elders who were on the judicial committee act all lubby dubby during their talks, when I've seen underneath their mask, it was too much.
To part from my best friend, it was a heartwretching experience, even more than my own family. To not have any sort of reprieve, from friends or family, it has been unbearable at times. I would not wish disfellowshipping on anyone, not even on Adolph Hitler. Truly if they had executed me, it would have been kinder.
But the experience finally enabled me to take a realistic look at things, past the myth of Spiritual Paradise that had been ingrained in me all my life. The myth was, either implied or said outright, that God's Kingdom was reigning, and that the Organization and its preaching work was an earthly manifestation of that Kingdom. Some even said that not much would change after Armageddon--the earthly arrangement would still be in place and Christ would rule through the organization. This was to be the nucleus of an earthly administration. The only difference was during the thousand years, there would be physical blessings. But for now the Kingdom was confined to only spiritual blessings and in creating a spiritual paradise that was a foregleam of the physical one.
When my father was overseeing something in regard the convention, a few members of the Governing Body came to town, and my parents had dinner with them. When my parents called upon their hotel room, one said something like, "Welcome to the King's Chambers." I remember being in awe upon hearing that. Wow--my parents ate with Sons of God, Christ's Brothers, future King-Priests! Really, in the back of many Witnesses minds, whether they admit it or not, the Governing Body is basically one step away from Christ himself. Like the Catholics, we had our own Vicar of Christ.
But the problem had been in the back of my mind for a while, that if Christ was now reigning through this earthly administration, why wasn't the King doing a better job? For instance, I was stunned by the layoffs of some who had been in Bethel for many years, and now they were struggling. I knew of some and I felt for them. Likewise, there were many organizational blunders that would never have been allowed if a superhuman Kingdom reign held firm sway over it--otherwise what was it doing in regards the Earth? It became plain to see that the Kingdom had no clothes. After reading Crisis of Conscience, it plainly showed that the Organization was another instance of man dominating man to his injury.
The articles on 607 have really been an eye-opener. For the first time, I am able to read them with unveiled eyes, and this site has provided much fact checking, especially with unbiased sources that show how erroneous they are. It is stunning. It is one thing to teach something you believe, which is what I thought they were doing. It is quite another to misrepresent the facts so utterly. These articles feel like a shell game. I really need more of this to give me intellectual capital.
I feel a need now to be reinstated, because I've a burning need to talk to loved ones, so that I can get a window of opportunity to share these things with them (at least with those who have the mental capacity). The more unbiased sources, the better. To say, this footnote references this, this historian is quoted to say that, but look at the reference in full detail…see what was actually said. Now, look at how it was presented. Now look at the astronomical fingerprint. Now look at what the Bible actually said about what would happen AFTER the 70 years are FULLFILLED--Babylon would be called into account, in 539! The 70 years would start when? In 609. What happened then? Babylon defeated Assyria and became the dominant power over the lands of that region. It makes so much sense! Like Cinderella 's foot sliding into the glass slipper, it agrees 100% with the historical evidence, while 607 is like trying to force the slippers onto a Sasquatch! If I had only known these things before attempting to 'do the right thing'!
Also, seeing what Ray Franz had said about the Flood, which is something I had suspected, that the flood covered, not "all the earth" but "all the land". The flood therefore was not global. And the chronology might be about 3500 BCE about the time the evidence of such a flood occurring. This makes much more sense!
I only hope that if I get that chance, it won't be too late for my best friend, who is the most conscientious person I know, who really tries his best to do what is right, and has seen the missteps of overseers of varying degrees. He has sacrificed much, he has endured much. He has a good heart. I have brotherly love toward him like no other person on the earth.
I did try to join a local meetup group of Ex-JWs, but I don't think I was ever accepted. Maybe the group is now defunt…I don't know. Despite my shyness, I do feel a need for fellowship at times, by people who understand where I am coming from. But for now, I will be happy to pass the time here.
