Wondering whether to invite my JW mum to my son's Bday party

by stuckinlimbo 12 Replies latest jw friends

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  stuckinlimbo

  Ok so my son is turning 3 soon and I will be having a party for him a couple of weeks early due to the holidays. Last year I made him a gingerbread house, complete with his name and how old he was in icing. I didn't invite my parents to the party (which was mainly older friends and a couple of his playmates), but since the kids didn't really eat it I took some to my parents and they ate it and my mum liked the photos I showed her of the intact ginger bread house (without candles). This is all very confusing. Just wondering what I can get away with. Dad's an elder and they are both true believers. My mum still does apologetics for any birthday stuff. Just the other day she commented that this was a birthday puzzle that she had bought, "but it's just a party" cause there was no cake and candles.

  I want her to be a part of his party, because she is a big part of his life and they love each other to bits. She would absolutely love seeing his joy at this party, but I am afraid having a cake and singing "happy birthday" will be a line in the sand that she just cannot cross, and putting her in that position may be a bad idea that will cause her to revaluate whether I am "bad association". And of course I would have to invite mum and dad and dad really couldn't go, being an elder and all. Especially since my hard-core elder brother will be visiting very soon after. This year may not be suck an issue, he is 3, just don't invite her and he won't notice, but what about next year, and the year after that. I think I may be in "la la" land even considering asking her... maybe I have been lulled into a false sense of security I could burst open with the wrong move at any moment...

  Thoughts/similar experiences?
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  Broken Promises

  How about having a seperate "party" or just a dinner with your parents and your family the day after or so? If your mother wants to bring a gift she can as it technically won't be his birthday anymore, and you can just tell your son that Grandma and Grandpa won't be at his party because they'll come another day to see him?

  It's crazy to have to do this, but I wouldn't invite them to the birthday party itself, as you may get a very negative reaction.
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  Ding

  Some diagnostic questions:

  Does she know you are having a birthday party for him and that it's openly going to be a BIRTHDAY party with cake, candles, happy birthdays, and the happy birthday song?

  If she knows it's going to be a birthday party, how does she react to that fact alone? Does that make you "bad association" to her? Does it provoke arguments or lectures or attempts to make you feel guilty?

  If your mother could handle being there, how would your father react? Would she have to hide things from him to keep peace in the family?

  If you can't have an open dialogue with your mother about these things, I think you have your answer right there. Don't invite her.

  If you ARE able to have a civil discussion with her about this, then it seems to me you should put the issues to her openly and ask her what she thinks. I'd tell her you don't want to exclude her from your son's life and that you'd be happy to have her come to his birthday party, but if it would cause too much friction, violate her conscience, force her to go behind your father's back, or start a war within the family then you would certainly understand her decision not to come.

  Don't feel guilty if you decide not to invite her. Also, don't feel that you have to compromise on what goes on at the party just so your mother or father can attend. The hang-up is caused by the WTS and by your parents' devotion to it. Don't let them put the burden of guilt on you for the problem.

  If you are concerned to have quality time between your parents and your son, you can always get together with them in a non-birthday setting. If your mother or father feel left out because they're excluded from this part of his life, the blame lies with them and their religion, not with you. You aren't bound by their religion.

  If the issue persists as your son gets older and he asks you why they aren't coming to his parties, sending him cards, etc., I'd be honest with him and tell him that grandma and grandpa aren't mad at him or anything. They just don't believe in anyone celebrating birthdays, Christmas, or other holidays.

  I think a greater problem as he gets older will be making sure that your parents and brother don't try to indoctrinate him with WT teachings behind your back when they are alone with him. Stay on top of this. When he is older, they will feel a tremendous obligation to witness to him and may feel completely justified in using "theocratic war strategy" (i.e. deceiving you, going behind your back, etc.) to accomplish this "life-saving" task. You'll need to set clear guidelines on what you will and won't tolerate and monitor developments carefully. Unfortunately, some parents have had to cut off all contact between JW relatives and their children in order to protect their children from this type of indoctrination. I hope it doesn't come to that in your family, but if it does, stand firm. Your children's religious upbringing is YOUR decision as parents, not your parents' decision, your brother's, or anyone else's.
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  Black Sheep

  You need to cult-proof your kids.

  If you don't, you could well find yourself dealing with him when he comes back from Grandma's bawling his eyes out because Jehovah is going to kill Mummy.
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  stuckinlimbo

  BP:

  How about having a seperate "party" or just a dinner with your parents and your family the day after or so? If your mother wants to bring a gift she can as it technically won't be his birthday anymore, and you can just tell your son that Grandma and Grandpa won't be at his party because they'll come another day to see him?

  The party will actually be held before his birthday, and we get together with my mum and dad enough so that's not an issue. Also, I would not like to encourage her to buy him anything else, she gives him something, on average, once a week, probably more. Spoils him rotten (not the typical JW). She has presents stored for him and his cousins that will be coming (at Christmas time lol) as well. Thankyou for your comments

  Ding:

  Does she know you are having a birthday party for him and that it's openly going to be a BIRTHDAY party with cake, candles, happy birthdays, and the happy birthday song?

  No I wasn't going to bother telling her unless I was going to invite her.

  If she knows it's going to be a birthday party, how does she react to that fact alone? Does that make you "bad association" to her? Does it provoke arguments or lectures or attempts to make you feel guilty?

  I might get a grumble, a sad look, I don't know whether or not it would become a big issue...

  If your mother could handle being there, how would your father react? Would she have to hide things from him to keep peace in the family?

  Hmmm... yeah it is looking like a bad idea....

  If you can't have an open dialogue with your mother about these things, I think you have your answer right there. Don't invite her.

  I think you are right. Thanks for your logic. I appreciate the comments very much. You have helped me see this much more clearly. I think tear he will not ask why they aren't there, next year he may be old enough to understand that his grandparents don't do birthdays, he certainly won't be worried whether they love him or not. They bestow him with love attention and gifts all the time.

  If your mother or father feel left out because she's excluded from this part of his life, the blame lies with them and their religion, not with you.

  Thankyou, I was feeling bad about this in particular but you are right.

  Your whole post has made me feel a lot better. Thankyou.
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  stuckinlimbo

  Hi Black Sheep

  You need to cult-proof your kids.

  Don't worry I will. Have read teach your child how to think and will get it out again as he gets older. This is a child who is not easily led either

  If you don't, you could well find yourself dealing with him when he comes back from Grandma's bawling his eyes out because Jehovah is going to kill Mummy.

  I don't believe my parents would be this blunt. My mum is always saying non-sanctioned stuff like Jah reads hearts, we don't judge, etc. They may fear that that is my fate but they wouldn't say that to him. They wouldn't teach him things that would allow him to draw that conclusion until he was a bit older, by then I will have his logic firmly in place. I will teach him to reason, to keep asking questions about why, etc. I have actually been paranoid enough to pull out some of the JW children's books and ask him if he had "seen this picture before".The response has always been negative. He laughs at my parents when they pray and they don't try to hold hands with him for prayer in my presence, but I have seen him try to, but I think that is harmless, he has not idea what they are doing, and it's ok for him to respect their right to pray before meals. I do believe they will try to teach him things as he gets older but I will just have to be alert and make sure I do "cult-proof" him so he can continue to have a relationship with them.
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  Band on the Run

  Your son is so fortunate! I had very active JW relatives to navigate. Tolerance only flowed in one direction. The burden of not offending them was great. In the end, though, they were a very positive influence on my life. They still treated me with respect when I left. It taught be to more tolerant. I'm far from perfect but very different than the other kids in the neighborhood.

  It is wonderful that you can vent and get feedback through the Internet. Isolation ended.
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  Broken Promises

  BP:

  What is written after this? It's blank and I had to click on the "reply" button in order to reply to this thread.
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  stuckinlimbo

  You mean on that line? there was nothing, I put a quote of what you said on the next line and then my comment after, can you see that?
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  stuckinlimbo

  Hi Band on the run, My parents are quite active JWs, but are more "Christian" than most and I think are trying to win me without a word, or have given up knowing it's hopeless. For that I am very thankful. I try my very best not to say anything about JW stuff and they try not to either. It's working for now...