I'd like to ask a serious question about passive agressive behavior and witnesses. I know a variety of non-witnesses who are passive aggressive in their behavior so this is obviously something of a attitude that anyone can have. But I was curious to find out if people think this behavior is common among witnesses? If so, in what ways have you seen it manifested?
Passive agressive behavior- a common JW trait?
by detective 10 Replies latest jw friends
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Fredhall
Detective,
Take me as an example. I'm a wild cat.
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orangefatcat
100 PRECENT FOR SURE ON THAT ISSUE.
PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME!!
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Billygoat
I think this is a pretty common human trait. I've known all types of people that are passive aggressive. Typically people that don't have the courage or skills to communicate their own needs, wants, desires in a clear healthy way to those around them. They smile and say "I'm fine...it's nothing." But inside they are boiling over with a totally different emotion and the only way they can express it is through their actions. I don't think it's a JW trait. Just imperfect human trait.
Andi
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Francois
I think PA behavior is more wide-spread and more hard-core in the JWs because the entity being resisted is supposedly the big J hisself. So you gotta get around the fear of pissing off the big boy or his "channel"
I think the only channel half those guys in New York are concerned with is the chocolate channel.
Francois
NOTE TO GOVERNING BODY: You've been challenged to a debate, boys. Dont you have ANY balls?
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larc
Yeh,
I think it is common among the JWs. Why? Because you have to be "nice" all the time. After all, it isn't nice to agrue, disagree, debate, or in any way show that you think differently than someone else. That is why back biting and gossip it so common. You can't say anything directly to someone, but you sure can talk behind there back.
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Golden Girl
Well I am in shock!I was just told that I am PA.I had no idea what that meant.What you are saying is so true!I had 3 children(all grown up now) and a demanding husband(JW).Now when I try to communicate my needs they look at me like I am crazy!Well live and learn!Someone told me it was like "Somebody gave me an Ice cream cone-but then they took it away and ate it!" Like everything positive you think,you end it with a negative.Is this true?Have any good links for that? GG
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detective
Andi, I realize this isn't something unique to witnesses. What I am asking is if people feel that a) passive agressive behavior is common among witnesses that they know and b) if they feel that the dynamics of the group possibly contribute to passive agressive behavior.
I'm interested because I was thinking about this quite a bit lately. I guess you could say I've recently bumped elbows with this sort of behavior and I was wondering if others felt that the group might have something to do with fostering that type of behavior because other forms of expression might be discouraged. It's not scientific, I just want a few perspectives.
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Billygoat
detective,
I believe PA behavior stems from bad communication skills. I do believe that assumptions are a core part of bad communication. Does JW life contribute to that? Yes, I think so. JW's are much quicker to gossip than actually address an issue. It's a cultural habit for them. It's no wonder really, considering how the WTS deals with stuff...never really addressing the issue. I hate to generalize, as I've known some really communicative elders in my life that I still love dearly!
I have a funny story to share...
When I was 15 or 16 I had an issue with a young MS in my congregation. He was only 18 and was a decent friend of mine. One Saturday morning he really hurt my feelings by putting me in a car group with a sister I didn't really want to be with. The MS understood my background with this sister and knew it would be difficult/uncomfortable being in a car group together...but he still did it. Made me so mad!! I glared at that brother and was rude to him for weeks. But I never approached him about how he made me mad. He probably had no clue why I was such a bitch to him. Haha! But about two weeks later I was riled up enough to where I approached an elder about it. Brother Elder asked me some questions:
Have you talked to Brother MS about how uncomfortable you are with Sister X? If not, you need to handle it privately with him before you come to me.
If you have talked to him about your issues with Sister X, then does he understand the magnitude of the situation? Perhaps he thinks it's not that big a deal.
If he understood it was a big deal, perhaps he was just too busy worrying about the 30 other people that needed to be in car groups? Maybe he thought you'd be mature enough to handle the uncomfortableness and be the bigger person.
I stood listening to Brother Elder, nodding in all the right places and smiling like I understood. But I was (inside) furious at this elder taking the side of Brother MS. I decided I wasn't going to talk to Brother Elder anymore either. Harumph! That'll show him.
Now, of course, 15 years later, I realize how silly and immature I was being. (Then again, I was only a teenager - that's probably pretty typical for that age!) I realize now the elder actually had some good points. But that time in my life, I didn't have the communication skills to realize if I had a need I needed to vocalize it in order for it to be met. Nobody here reads minds. Unfortunately, I didn't learn that until years later...after a very passive-aggressive marriage and a terrible divorce.
I think co-dependent people have a stronger tendency to PA behavior and to unhealthy thinking such as, "Well, he/she should just know how that makes me feel!" Uh...nope. Nobody can read minds! Nobody should 'just know.' Good healthy communication is damn hard work. It usually takes being the bigger person to communicate a misunderstanding with someone. But when it's done correctly, it oh so worth it!!!
Neil and I have a good relationship because we communicate pretty well. But we've also seen a therapist regularly that helps us hone those skills. Without her we'd truly be lost! He came from a family that dealt with family issues by not really talking about them. I came from a family that dealth with issues by throwing things at the person you were mad at. So you can see why Neil and I decided on seeing a therapist. We came from opposite ends of the spectrum. And if we were to be a successful couple we would need outside help.
Sorry to ramble so much. I took the long road to say I think PA behavior is a typical human trait, but probably seen more often in JWs because of the culture's method of communication - gossip. Wow. That was much shorter.
Andi
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Satanus
I personally think that the wt as an org, is passive aggressive. All objections they may have towards authority figures can not be voiced, not against jehovah for wanting to kill everybody, not against govt's, because jws are supposed to be neutral, not against asshole elders because they are appointed by god amd he is supposed to correct bad elders somehow. Jehovah is also supposed to act against the world and the devil, which jws percieve to be against them. They are not to take direct action against these entities themselves. So no expressions of disagreement allowed in their theology, niether to opposing nor benevolent authority.
Another good example of pa attitudes is how they treat dfd/apostate ones. The wt does not deal w issues head on in honest debate. They df and then force members to ignore detractors, a very good example of passive agressive tactics.
SS