These last few weeks.

by Princess 18 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Perry

  Princess,

  I enjoyed your post and hope that I have not gained too much consolation at the expense of you and your other family members. Yes, I have an Aunt that makes Tony Spranos' mother look like Mother Teresa. And yes, my mother's family are all Sicilian.... the whole nine yards.

  The key point is that you did two very healty things. You made your Grandma responsible for her power of attorney decision and you set boundaries betwen yourself and her. Now, that kind of lucidness in families is rare, especially since you seem to really care about her in spite of her neurotic-ness.

  If she would have been dealt with such functionality by all family members in the past, she would have never been enabled to carry on the manipulation you allude to. Perhaps she would have been more able to live with current family as opposed to assisted living.

  The reality is that family members have a responsibility to themselves every bit as much to her. Every situation is different.

  It is nice though to see people standing for principle and responsibility in the face of dysfunction.
• 

  Mulan

  Wow, thank you Perry. Very nicely said. I always felt Mom needed to face the consequences of her bad behavior, but there is always someone willing to "bail her out". Hopefully that is over now.

  Marilyn (aka Mulan)
  "No one can take advantage of you, without your permission." Ann Landers
• 

  Princess

  Thanks everyone for your very nice comments and support. I somehow knew you would all understand.

  I felt guilty for so long for not wanting to have anything to do with grandma. I still went by at least once a month to take her money (she couldn't afford the rent, Mom and Dad help too) and visit a bit. I never looked forward to seeing her and my kids put up a fight on the way over (my five year old suggested we send her a note that says to get married so she won't be lonely and wouldn't need our visits). Funny how the very young pick up on our feelings and I know my son could tell she favors my daughter. She played favorites with her grandchildren from the very beginning. I always knew I was just another granddaughter and my cousin, her first grandchild was the favorite. Since she was always nice to me, and never gave me any grief for leaving the witnesses, I felt an obligation to visit and help her. All three of my brothers cut her off completely. Not one of them visited her during any of this or even called me to see how she was. They simply don't care. I feel the same as them now.

  As my mom mentioned above, we advised her to stay away and not get involved in the current mess with grandma. Grandma was very sweet for a few days and then one afternoon she tested my loyalty by bringing up an issue with my mom. I let her know exactly where my loyalties were and things were never the same. From that day, whenever I gave my opinion she would snap at me and I realized she had transferred the hostility she felt toward my mom to me. I decided to keep my distance. She gave it one more try and called me all sweet and nice and full of lies. It was the last straw and I couldn't take anymore. I told her I was done and said goodbye.

  That evening I ran into two witnesses that are fairly close to her. They had a look of shock on their faces when they saw me but I gave them my best blank stare and walked right past them. I can only imagine the lies she has told them. She will bad mouth us to anyone who will listen but has had no problem accepting our money.
  On the way to talk some sense into her Thursday night my dad said "I can't think of one redeeming quality about the woman". I just laughed in amazement, my husband had said virtually the same thing word for word.

  Thanks again for your comments, Mulan and I appreciate your support.
  Princess
• 

  Prisca

  Mulan,

  Do you realise how apt your signature quote is, in this situation?

  I'm sorry that you've had to deal with this kind of manipulation all your life. I had to deal with it for 8 mths and that was bad enough.

  Maybe as your mum depends upon the help of strangers more, she may realise how badly she treated you. Or maybe she won't. Either way, remember that you and your family tried to help her, so don't let her guilt-trip you into anything. The choice to receive such help has been hers, as evidenced by getting a friend of hers to be POA.

  I had been missing you and Princess. Glad you're back with us.
• 

  ozziepost

  G'day Princess and Mulan,

  We've had a similarly wierd situation from aged JW parents too, mother especially. I think you may understand the unusual situation.

  I'll have to email you with details when we get a mo.

  Anyhow it seems to be working against them as the newer generations in the family are absolutely disgusted. Mrs Ozzie and I hope it may open their eyes a little to what the borg and its shunning practices actually means.

  As you guys have said, she was always like it. Same with mine too. Looking back over the decades we can see that membership of the borg only legitamised their bigoted attitudes. Only the 'chosen' are anything in their eyes. It's so very much like the Pharisees, it's not funny!

  We've just enmjoyed another regulat bbq here and the apostate friends over here are in fine fettle! Hippy and Mrs Hippy have a couple of great kids and it was good that they were able to get the family ready and journey out to the bbq. The shiraz was good too! We had a nice drop and Mrs Ozzie kicked the bottle after emptying it. Musta been quite mellow, eh?

  Glad to hear from you.

  Cheers,
  Ozzie

  "If our hopes for peace are placed in the hands of imperfect people, they are bound to evaporate."

  
  - Ron Hutchcraft Surviving the Storms of Stress
• 

  SEAKEN2001

  Princess & Mulan,

  I'm very sorry you're having to put up with all of this. E-mail me or call. Maybe I can at least lend some emotional support. Dad mentioned your Mom's fall but didn't let on that you were putting up with so much of her crap.

  Princess, I know how you and your brothers feel. My grandma has always been so sweet to me and I had what I considered a special relationship with her. But last time we spoke she told me she believed I was going to be killed by Jehovah at Armageddon. I've tried to reach out to her but she has chosen to see me as a dead person. I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to her since. Dad says I should call her but I have no desire to do so. There is just no connection anymore.

  Wow, Mulan, how did you and mom turn out to be such nice and warm people with such pathetic examples as parents? Well done. Mom used to say "you made your bed, now you can sleep in it". We need not feel guilty about walking away from abusive parents. They are creating the rift and tearing down the bridges we make an effort to build. We may keep trying but don't be too disappointed if the bridges never get built. It's not our fault.

  Welcome back, hugs to all,

  Sean
• 

  Mulan

  Sean, I'll call you. We got a gift for your wifey, in Key West. They had a chicken store there, and neat goodies. I'll get it mailed soon. I have been missing your Mom (Sharon) so much this week, for many reasons, but I could always call her and she understood, because she also took Mom's abuse when she was little too, and witnessed her abuse of me. I never knew until recently how much it impacted my own children. I called your Grandma yesterday, and she was really nice to me. She said for me not to worry about what Mom might tell her, because she knows Mom and she knows me, and she knows there are two sides to every story. They are all victims of victims, as Dave would say. I have chosen not to be victimized anymore, as you and Rachel and the boys have also.

  Ozzie: I want to come to Australia!! I knew we had a connection Ozzie. It's our MOTHERS. We were raised by the same kind. Yay, Shiraz.

  Hi Prisca. Yes, I know. It's easy to say it to other people, isn't it? I just kept thinking all these years "she is my mother, and it must be me, because what mother does things like this to her family?"

  Marilyn (aka Mulan)
  "No one can take advantage of you, without your permission." Ann Landers
• 

  TR

  Mulan and Princess,

  Wow, what a difficult situation. Glad you're able to handle it well. My brother-in-law's wife was like your grandma. Fortunately, he divorced her. It cost him mega-bucks, though.

  TR

  I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way.
  --Robert Frost, 1935
• 

  Princess

  Hey Sean,

  Turns out they wouldn't release her to your grandma's after all. She is still in the rehab center waiting for her new apartment to be ready for occupancy March 1st. We are wondering how she will be able to care for herself and pay the rent since she has driven away all the family members who have helped her in the recent past.

  Thanks for your support!
  Rachel