...is today. It's been a WILD 12 months. I went back to look at my introduction post, and my how things have changed! If it interests you: http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/watchtower/beliefs/204091/1/Introduction
I remember feeling really insecure about being part of this group, and also thinking that most of the JWN members were totally nuts but I was willing to have an open mind.
The deeper I dug, the more I realized that I barely knew anything at all about the WTBTS history, scandals, and the extent of the abuse of power of The Governing Body. I have spent more time reading books (apostate and otherwise) in the last 12 months than I have read in the last 6 years. It is amazing how almost 30 years of training and indoctrination as a Jehovah's Witness can be undone in such a short amount of time. I had a healthy amount of optimism with regard The Organization when I started here, but it is now completely gone. I have absolutely no desire to remain a Jehovah's Witness anymore and I generally can't stand to be around them. Though I still love them very much, my secret knowlege and emotions haunt me when I am in their presence and it is too much work to keep quiet when they discuss something in front of me that I know is total garbage.
This has also been the hardest year in my life. I'm not a cryer, and boy how I've sobbed over and over this past year - sometimes with my wife, sometimes with my mom, mostly alone. My wife is in no way interested in learning anything negative about the organization, has no desire to leave, and will not talk to me about it. As some of you know, it's very hard not to be able to share your most intimate struggle with your closest friend and partner. There hasn't been a week that has gone by that I haven't thought of just leaving her out of fear that I'm only delaying the inevitable, and I should just get it overwith so I can get on with my life before things get too messy. Now, with a child, that's a much more complicated proposition.
Everyday, I feel trapped and hopeless. Somedays (the good ones), I feel a flash of courage and determination to break free and live my life. However, the reality of losing my family and destroying them emotionally in the process brings me crashing back down to Earth.
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I would like to extend a huge THANK YOU to everyone on this forum for helping me open my eyes, realize that I was not crazy to question The Organization, and have hope that I can lead a normal life as an Ex-Jehovah's Witness. I've read some amazing stories here, both heart-warming and heart-breaking. I've made some friends that I hope to meet face-to-face one day (even though I still think most of you are totally nuts ). It's been hard, but it has been enriching.
I wish all of you the best in 2012.