Do you want/expect your kids to take care of you when you're old?

GoingGoingGone

I had a conversation with my daughter tonight that got me pretty upset, and I'm wondering if I'm expecting too much from my kids.

Both my kids went to outstanding colleges, have landed very well-paying jobs, and have very bright financial futures ahead of them. This makes me especially happy because my husband and I have always had to struggle financially (we both grew up JWs and never got to go to college.) It was a sacrifice for us to send them to college, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

We have no retirement fund, because Armageddon was 'just around the corner'. So my daughter told me that she thinks my husband and I should move (far, far away) (very, very far), because if we work there, we could possibly get a retirement and health coverage. Her reason? "Because we (she and her brother) can't take care of you when you get old."

Really?? I was crushed, I'll admit... I told her that I'm not moving farrrrrrrrrrrrrr away from my kids, that there is more to life than financial security, and that I plan to live my life with them in it. She repeated that then we would have no savings for when we get old and that they can't take care of us, they'll have their own families. And what am I, chopped liver? I feel so unloved. I told her that she has no idea what our personal financial situation is, or what it will be in 20-30 years. To be honest, she will probably never, ever have to worry about spending a penny on us. But I still feel very rejected.

My husband, however, seems unconcerned. Doesn't bother him... I don't get it.

Am I over-reacting? Isn't it normal to think that your kids will take care of you if you need them to?? Just sorta taking a survey here, I guess...

GGG

ziddina

What kids???

For reasons OTHER than those dictated by the Watchtower Corporation, I decided not to have children...

So I'd DAYAMMED well better be able to take care of myself when the time comes...

Look at all the pioneers and prospectors, mountain men and homesteaders who had to be able to take care of themselves, with absolutely NO ONE available for MILES around....

It can be done...

Zid

GoingGoingGone

It's not about not being able or willing to take care of myself. That isn't a problem, not in the least. I always have and always will take care of myself.

As I mentioned above, my kids will in all likelyhood never have to take care of me financially. Or physically, either, if I can afford to pay for someone in my old age.

I will, if the need arises, take care of my abusive parents when they get old, because I feel it is my duty as a daughter, if nothing else. I will take care of my aging in-laws because I care for them deeply. I feel like my daughter is saying: It doesn't matter what you've done for me all my life - if and when you need me, you're on your own.

But I fully recognize that my own history may be causing me to over-react. That's what I'm trying to determine.

GGG

juni

I don't expect anyone to do anything for me. If it doesn't come from the heart or there's an ulterior motive, I really don't want it. Is it their moral responsibility to do what they can to help mom/dad? Absolutely! Depending on their circumstances, they should be able to help in some small way. Again, that's for them to decide. I can appreciate how you feel. I guess that's why they tell parents that their financial needs for later in life should be put ahead of paying for kids' higher education if that will jeopardize mom/dad's savings. It certainly is a hard decision as we want the best for our kids.

PM me if you want GGG.

Juni

tec

I would want my kids to WANT to take care of me when I'm old. At the same time I would HOPE that they would never have to to this. But I would feel like you are feeling if they said something like that to me (as a sort of preemptive strike). I would also understand (but still not like), that it seems that less and less, the elderly go into retirement/old folk's homes, or just continue to care for themselves, rather than to their children. I think that is more the accpeted norm these days, and kids don't see different. Now if you take care of your parents, and your children see you do it, then their tone might change because you have led by e x ample.

My mother just took my grandmother in, even though she was terrified of it (but she coud NOT turn her mother away), and things for them have been fantastic. Seeing this, my husband sort of looked at me in a wide-eyed kind of fear, asking if that meant my mother would come live with us one day. I said, yeah, probably. But then he just sort of shrugged, and accepted it. Which took me by surprise and gave me a small bit of relief. Because for me, it was the battle with him that I was dreading, and then the resentment from him afterward.

I don't know how old your kids are, but we do tend to say things that hurt our parents without realizing how badly... until later, and we see differently. So your children might change their minds a little down the road.

Peace to you,

Tammy

GoingGoingGone

Thank you, Juni and Tammy.

That is exactly what I want, for my kids to WANT to be there for me if I need them. I don't want to need them - I want to be able to take care of myself. But I don't know what old age holds for me, or for my husband, and realize (as do my kids, apparantly) that I may need them one day. And I don't ever want to be a burden to anyone.

Thank you both for your insight. :)

GGG

leavingwt

Your daughter sounds very immature and disrespectful. Maybe she's having a bad day, if she's normally not like this.

Once she has some children of her own, and once she begins having physical ailments like the rest of it, she'll begin contemplating her mortality and she'll feel ashamed at what she said to you.

I'm sorry that this happened.

GoingGoingGone

Thanks, leavingwt.

My daughter is very self-absorbed. Part of that may be immaturity - I hope so. I did let her know that I was hurt by what she said, and she does usually think about what I say when we disagree or have a discussion or whatever. But she's still self-absorbed. :(

GGG

FlyingHighNow

I'd probably have said, I hope you never have to hear your children say the same thing to you.

Will Power

HI GGG HAPPY NEW YEAR!! (((oxoxo)))

I wouldn't take what they said too seriously. They are young and see their independent life just beginning. Adding parent payments to the dream probably freaked them out! At this age with so much going on, they can't really see that far ahead and they are still in the ME mode. Wait til they have kids of their own!

I hope you're well. We should talk again soon :-)

wp

Do you want/expect your kids to take care of you when you're old?

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