I began typing this and deleting this so many times. As I ask why Im doing this, I realize thatI guess you have to let your guard down for people to know you and to help you.
My Mom studied with witnesses when I was a baby...she stopped when the sister she was studying with got Df'd...It left a bad taste in her mouth. Her sister in law, became a witness and I can remember how my Mom wasnt happy and had a lot to say about it as a kid.
Fast foward a few years.. we move to a new town on Longisland at the age of 12. Our house was next to and across the street from 2 witness families. My mutual interest on Nintendo formed a friendship with both of the families kids that were my age. Myself and the 2 witness kids Justin and Doug ( not real names) became fast friends. Justin and Doug were never allowed at my house. Their parents were real cautious. But I was allowed at theirs. Sister D (dougs mom) and Brother D became a second set of parents. Their house served as an escape from mine. I hated my stepfather. Growing up I really never had friends. Being with dougs family made me feel like I belonged. As a Kid I often got picked on...mostly for being chubby and not an ounce of athletics...
My new friends and I became best buddies. On the weekends I would sleep over Doug's family's house. On Sundays, like the rest of the family i was expected to go to the KH with them. Mom was ok with at first. At the KH I made even more friends...especially with I started to study with Bro D. At first I started to study because of "peer Pressure" but i soon began to appreciate the bible truths I was learning.
Once I started to take a stand the persecution started at home. At the age of 13 I was determined to become a witness. My Mom didnt want me going to meetings, so I would sneek. I would fill my napsack full of my meeting clothes and throw them out my bedroom window. I'd Leave and tell my parents I was going the Library. But I would change at D's house and go to the meetings. On Sundays, I would either stay at D's house or stay at my real Dad's house and have him drop me off Sunday at a friend prior to the meeting
When my mom found out she flipped. It was a big deal and D's family and mine had a blow out. My Mom told them if the took me to the hall again she would call the cops. They forbid me to go to the KH, I gave my parents the silent treatment for a entire month maybe more...wouldnt even say a word to them. True story! Finally they agreed to let me go to meetings provided I attended Every family function, including the holidays. I would go, but I would never exchange holiday greetings or presents. On my birthday, I would ask my mom all I want is for you to stop smoking.
I can remember crying myself to sleep because I was so afraid the big A was going to kill my parents. My Junior year of HS I got baptised. I was a great student and on the honor role. My parents wanted me to attend a university and have the "going away" college experience. But I knew that wasnt suggested and wanted to please Jehovah. I got a free ride to a commuter university and stayed home. My parents were disappointed because of the other opportunities that came my way. But we had a compromise. At graduation, I got a new car and my parents gave me a huge check..it was the savings they had put away for me for college. (at this time college was not as frowned on..) Since I had a free ride it was my money. I used the money to support myself and I went on the pioneer list. I was pioneering with my best friends at 17 and a by 19 appointed a MS! Most of the sister's in the hall with unbeliever husbands requested I study with their kids. I had a lot of studies... I was used on parts at the convention and gave my experience on how I came into the truth as a young teenager. I even did temp bethel service on breaks from school.
By my Senior year in college I began to run out of my savings. I blew it on trips, snowboarding, things for my car...you name it. I got a part time job at a gym. That is when things began to change. I started to become fit and work out while I was at work. I lost the weight and began to really bulk up. I began to get attention from girls and liked it. School and work became a hard balance with pioneering and the elders asked me to step down because I wasnt making my time.
Temptations presented itself at work and the gym..I started to associate with worldly ppl. One of the elders approached me and I was counseled on bad association. Unfortunately I didnt listen, I began secretly dating a girl at college. I told my buddies and one of them told on me. The elders asked me to step down as a MS. I fell so in love with this girl and thought I could bring her into the truth, I continued to date her in secret. But I eventually gave into temptation and we had sex. The next day I went to the straight elders....I was so ashamed I actually called Doug's dad on the way from her house crying at 2am. The brothers publicly reproved me and I broke up with girl. Once you have sex, its hard to not think about it. especially at 21!! It became a real bad witness and the girl was upset. All my friends at school were told I broke up with her because my church made me. Horrible. I felt so much guilt. On top of it, the gossip in the hall was nasty. My witnes friends stopped calling me and I became super depressed. It was a bad point in my life. I also found out my mom had stage 4 lung cancer. Really rough time.
Shortly after I graduated college and got a job in Finance. I bought a house and moved a few towns away. I guess you can say I was spiritually sick at this point. I wasnt as regular, my spiritual parents made a plee for me to come back to my home congregation so I could be with them. So I did. I loved my new job and began associating with ppl at work...going to happy hours etc....this led to trouble. I ended up having sex with a girl at work after a happy hour. Again, the guilt kicked in. I went to the elders the next day. There wasnt a dry eye in the room...I can tell they didnt want to but since I ignored counsel on worldly ppl they had to DF me. Bro D's Dad was on my commitee....he annouced me and lost it on stage crying....it was so bad. What did I do!!!
After being df'd I went crazy...I began doing cocaine and drinking heavly with my work mates. I was doing anything to mask the pain and that fact my mom was dying. 6mos after being disfellowshipped my mom died. On her death bed, she asked me to go back to the Hall because she knew that I would be safe there. Those are words I still live with today. Mom never became a witness but we were two ships...I was going down the tubes spirtuallly and she began studying. Over the years she came to memorials and parts I had. The friends circled around her when she got sick. They were all at her funeral. A few came up and hugged me even though I was df'd. Many wrote nice things in the cards.
after her death, I went on a crazy...sex drugs and house music. I was on a scary train and didnt know how to get off. At a time in my life I felt I was on the bottom I met Audre...(not real name) She tamed the wild boy and we fell in love. We dated and after a few years then I proposed. Her family was intimadating because they were so weathly, but even though I was a middle class kid who was messed up...she loved me for me. I always explained how once we were married I was going back to the truth. She always asked questions and liked what she heard. Life was great and we were to get married. At this point I had been Df'd for 9yrs. Then one morning all that changed.
I took Audre's car to the car wash. I noticed that her hands free call log had a weird number on it a few times. Why did I look!! I called it, I found out she was cheating on me with someone just before our wedding. Needless to say I was devastated.
I went back into a depression, I began to isolated myself and was inconsolable. All I could think about was what my mother had said, and how I deserved this for leaving Jehovah. I left the protection of the congregation, I ruined my reputation with Jehovah. All the material things and worldly accomplishments didnt mean anything at this point. I missed my friends and most importantly my spiritual parents who loved me so much. But how was I going to get reinstated, I was afraid I would mess up again. How could I go back to my witness life after all I have experienced. I was in crisis.
To be continued......