Been lurking for a bit, and feel safe enough now to tell my story (condensed).
I'm a third-generation born-in, but my parents were inactive for most of my upbringing. This means I got the worst of both worlds--no worldly friends (home schooled all but grades 2-3), no witness friends (since we never went to the Hall except for Memorial), and a generally isolated upbringing in a tiny, tiny town. Needless to say, my emotional, social, and personal growth were stunted.
When I was 15, the family moved to a bigger city and started attending again. I threw myself into the ministry, finally finding people to spend time with. Slowly, very slowly I started to make acquaintances--not friends exactly, though it was the closest I'd ever had. It was enough of a motivation that I threw myself fully into The Work, getting aux. pioneer hours even before baptism and becoming a full pioneer as soon as I qualified. Despite never having finished high school (when I said 'home schooling' I should have said 'home read-on-your-own') and having no social skills at all, I was a Servant within a year.
Even now I don't quite know why, but as soon as I finished Pioneer School my enthusiasm just plummeted. I had gotten 137 hours in August to make my yearly quota, but after the school, when the monthly requirement was lowered to 70 hours, I just couldn't do it anymore. I'd burned out and was feeling guilty. Of course, I was trying to live on my own on a no-education part-time job, so that might have had something to do with it.
Anyway, I ended up getting married soon after to another pioneer--the first and only girl I've ever kissed, naturally--and went about trying to get my life ready to take care of a family. I got my GED (with surprisingly high scores) and me and the mrs. attended the local state college. It wasn't looked upon as a good decision, but we didn't get too much flack over it since most of the "college dangers" didn't apply to a married couple attending together. Well, I had a pretty good head on my shoulders and was on the dean's list every semester (makes me wonder what I could've done had my intellect been nurtured as a child). But I was still determined to avoid the dangers of higher learning--for example, during Anthropology, when the evolution talk started I just stopped attending class, showing up only for tests under the assumption Jehovah would bless my firm stance and help me pass the class anyway (it worked; faked my way through every test and squeaked by with a C, the only real blemish on my transcript).
Looking back, my fading started sometime after that. It's true, higher learning did make me more critical. I was a Journalism major and editor of the college paper, and trying to read the Watchtower after my degree was a painful experience--I could see all the logical flaws, missing attributions, and just plain bad writing that I never would have allowed to see print on my watch. I tried reconnecting with the congregation, but most of my friends were gone, since that's what happens when teenagers grow up. Like many here, I had seen situations that were handled badly by the elder body, but put away those nagging thoughts as I was told. A couple of elders got DF'd during this time (unrelated offenses), several teenage marriages fell apart, and other problems I never thought to see in a "spiritual paradise."
After my son was born I made another brief try to rekindle my faith, but it didn't take. The assemblies grew excruciating, just rehashes of stuff to make you feel guilty about not doing more. On meeting nights I would get tense and anxious. Sometimes I tried to give myself food poisoning so I'd have an excuse not to go. Sometimes it worked. Gradually the guilt disappeared and I openly admitted to my wife I didn't want to go. It was a really slow road getting there, but something just snapped and the doubts started to run free. Maybe it was the overlapping generations, maybe I got tired of hearing the same basic talks regurgitated over and over again, I don't know. But I had to find answers.
As you all know, once you start you can't stop. I devoured everything and in short order went through denial, anger, regret, anger, relief, guilt, anger, etc. Since this went on way too long already, I'll just say where I'm at now with bullet points:
- Info dumped on my wife (bad move), but she's been willing to read and consider so far.
- All my family is in now, and most of hers too. Fading will be hard.
- I still want to believe in God (hence the name) due to Pascal's Wager, but I'm finding it hard to hold onto anything. Once the questions start, they don't stop. My newest point of concern: Paul (I'll start another post on that later).
- I've realized "worldly" people aren't evil. My disposition has never been better. I actually care about others now.
- All the regrets and missed opportunities has propted a slightly early mid-life crisis, which I am struggling to keep reigned in, if only to prove that people don't spiral out of control on leaving the "truth".
So that's my story. I've got a stuggle ahead; I've been encouraged by some of you and hope to privide support to others as we go on this journey. And if anyone here is from Alaska, give me a shout. Thanks for reading.