Answering Machine at the Mental Hospital

Grunt

Answering Machine at the Mental Hospital:
>
> "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline."
>
> If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
>
> If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
>
> If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
>
> If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
> Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
>
> If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
> transferred to the mother ship.
>
> If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice
> will tell you which number to press.
>
> If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
> you press, no one will answer.
>
> If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
>
> If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound
> key until a representative comes on the line.
>
> If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
> telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and
> your mother's maiden name.
>
> If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &
> c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
>
> If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after
> the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for
> the beep.
>
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
> short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
> loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
>
> If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are
> too busy to talk to you."
>
> ****Keep company with those who make you better****

Seven

0 0 0

mommy

## ### ## ##### #
##### #### #####
##############################################################

Grunt

Despite your problems (o-o-o, and ###) you two are SHARP. You might get a kick out of this one also. I think the last one is my favorite.

Improve Your Vocabulary

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they
were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following
were some of the winning entries.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck there.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who
doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining
sex.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious
bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

And finally... Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

amicus

Was the person that submitted Karmageddon from Carcinoma?
3, 4, 5, 6

waiting

Hey Grunt,

I have nothing to add but a comment. Why in the world with humor like that would you name yourself 'grunt'?

Thank you. It's Monday which is always a pain in our store, I am chuckling, which will make my husband's dinner more assured.

waiting

thinkers wife

Grunt,
My husband is in the bath tub at the other end of the house wondering why I am laughing my head off.
Maybe someone can think of a word that applies to that.
TW

thinkers wife

2, 4, 4, 6, 5, 8, 2, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, Oh yes, yes, Yes, YES, YES.
Ooops never mind that is sex. Sorry.
TW

Seven

Grunt, Here's a few more to add to your list:
Irritainment- annoying media spectacles you find yourself unable to stop watching; Country Music Television.
Umfriend-a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Ryan, my...um...friend."

Grunt

Waiting, what kind of store do you have? When I first went on line I thought of all kinds of names, Greek and Roman names that identifyed some attitude or feeling, classical and intelligent, you know. I wound up using a name my cousin used to call me to tease me, JimBob. On another board I used the classical name. On this board I don't know why but Grunt just popped up, maybe because I was one in the service. It is honest and makes no pretences or facades. What are you Waiting for? The fall of the leaning Tower I guess? Maybe I should have used Hopeful as my name, or Grudge as I kind of hold one against the hypocrites I used to hold in a postion of honor.
Seven, all I did was forward to you some jokes I found, you could have written them judging by your Um-Friend definition! I have saved a few funny ones and without burying you in them I will try to post a few along. As we have a few Yankees on the board I will try to find a good one I used to have on ND and how you know you are from there. I don't post that often here and am frequently out of town but I always read the board when I get a chance and always enjoy the comments from you, Waiting, Frenchy, Simon and the crew. I thought you all handled the mentally challenged lady with class as a whole. I admired your patience. She obviously needs some good friends and some counseling, I hope she finds both and that she escapes the controlling influence of the Borg which is the last thing she needs. Guilt and snubbing seem to be SOP with them and what this lady could use is a little positive reinforcement, good advice, and real concern for her interests as they affect her and not the Society. Anyway, you treated her as I would want to be treated in her shoes. You give "Apostates" a good name! I hope I do too. I have never been df'd or da'd by any other than my child, but that is really a formality as I have divorced myself from the group and could care less what name they would put on it.

Answering Machine at the Mental Hospital

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