- To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give ... notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron , will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside ofAmerica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Hope my American friends won't hate me for this.. LOL
by tornapart 37 Replies latest social humour
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tornapart
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JeffT
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
Any British official attempting to enforce this will be required to walk through South Miami or Detroit at night without escort. If he makes it out we'll probably listen to him/her.
You guys invented cricket and you have the nerve to complain about football?
I don't drink anymore, but I agree with your comments about American Beer.
Are you going to tell the Japanese they can't play baseball?
Re #14: I guess you'll be taking the debt too, so that might be fine with us.
Regarding tea time, will you please tell my fellow country men that wrapping tea in toilet paper is a horrible idea. I'm the only person I know that uses a tea strainer.
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cheerios
lol
clearly you are mentally diseased with your comments on nr. 11
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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mrsjones5
" I'm the only person I know that uses a tea strainer."
I've got two. I guess I'm weird.
Oh, I should also say that I have a French press that I use every day. We don't drip in this house.
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james_woods
I knew a guy who was invited to a British grouse hunt.
They told him to leave when he showed up with an automatic shotgun - and not to come back unless he could bring "a sporting gun".
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irondork
Bring it!
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cantleave
Tornapart -
LMAO
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JeffT
James, years ago my Dad invited a recently arrived from England colleague to go duck hunting with him. The friend showed up wearing slacks and a tweed jacket. Great guy but he had no idea what hunting in America was about.
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tornapart
I hate to say this guys but I'm afraid I wasn't the Smart Aleck that wrote this.... just thought whoever he was, was a genius... LOL
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jamesmahon
As a Brit who has lived in the States, here is my take on some of these.
1-3. American spellings make more sense as they are more phonetic. Z is a great letter and we should use it more - especially when the sound is, well, z. I would rejig all daft spellings in English and start again.
4-5. Makes sense in the UK, but not in the US. In the UK I am pro as many laws as possible to keep guns out of everyone's hands. Living in the US and knowing any muppet can be armed I would probably want to own a gun myself (although I never bought one while over there).
6. Roundabouts are great and ensure that people who genuinely cannot drive cannot pass their test. Don't care what system of measurement is used so long as we use one. In Britain because of old people unable to count and divide by 10 we have to operate both.
7. Remember my car being filled up for the first time in America. $5. I thought there was something wrong and kept asking the attendant to put more in. This was a while ago mind. Having said that, why in America people have to fill up your car for you (as well as pack your groceries which I never let them do) was always a mystery to me.
8.Pff. Real chips come from Yorkshire. From anywhere else in the world they are terrible.
9. All beer tastes like vomit. British beer tastes like warm vomit.
10. Agree
11. Lived in New England when Bledsoe was playing. Fell in love with the game. Played rugby at school. Have to admit unless it is England playing would watch American Football over rugby. Just find the tactics really fascinating. Football I can take or leave. Typical game is 89 minutes of boredom with one minute of excitement.
12. Don't mind baseball but cricket (especially test cricket) is the single greatest game on the planet.
13. Maybe he killed himself. Or maybe his wife took out a contract on him.
14. ho hum
15. Don't drink tea. But hobknobs should be compulsory.
Would sacrifice all that is good to be British though to be able to elect my own head of state - even if it ended up being someone I did not like.