Me and my virtual father

by cedars 27 Replies latest members private

• 

  ammo

  Hi Cedars,

  this situation sux's I know, but you are right to consider how much you tell your dad, I know if I told my mother all that I have found out and read about in the last couple of months she would nearly die from shock, and definately hate me- nothing will come between her and being a Jehovahs witness. I have been shunned nearly all my life from my mother(parents) and that was even when they were not in the truth! its painfull and sad as a child and guess what its painful and sad as an adult, but because of the knowledge I now have I just think I will continue on my own road and see the relationship for what it always was- Conditional. You though sound alot closer to your pop I agree you should not give him false hope on returning, but if his life in the bubble is making him happy well....

  Thanks heaps for your threads and insights here and on freeminds, they have helped alot.

  I wish for you some peace and an amicable conclusion at the very least

  Ammo:))
• 

  rebel8

  If it's closure you need, there are many ways you can do that w/o playing by their rules.

  • Write an unsent DA letter.
  • Send and unsigned DA letter to headquarters.
  • Blog your DA letter anonymously.
  • Have a symbolic funeral for your past jw life, say goodbye to it and literally bury or cremate it.
  • Make and send an artistic/poetic statement to postsecret.com
  • Write a letter to your former jw self. Tell him how you’re doing, how you feel, describe your life without him.
  • Keep a grief journal in which you write every day or as often as possible about your journey to a life worth living.

  You may find yourself needing to grieve the loss of the relationship you want to have with your dad. I had to do this w/some relatives. I had to work hard to accept this but really, it gets much better.
• 

  cedars

  Thanks for the support and kind words everyone. I particularly like the practical suggestions on closure from rebel8. To an extent, my work online provides me with huge amounts of closure. No matter how much the Society thinks it can silence me, it fails miserably where it really matters! I find it exhilerating to check the web stats for jwsurvey and see how many are reading the articles. It makes everything worthwhile. The only missing piece of the jigsaw is not being able to use my own face or voice to reach people - but that can wait. It would probably do more harm than good! lol

  Now that there's a little more water under the bridge, I feel a bit easier about the situation with my Dad. It will probably be some time before our next phone conversation, and I will probably wait for him to initiate it. However, there are consequences to speaking out in the way I did - there's no use denying it.

  It's actually quite funny when I look back and remember how he succeeded in making me feel guilty even though I had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. At one point he pressed me on whether I have looked at "outside information", and I said "yes I have" (cue major pang of guilt) but thankfully I had the presense of mind to immediately add: "and all of it based on the Society's own literature!" There was another awkward silence after that, as you can imagine. I remember saying at one point that all of the evidence against the Society is in their own literature, you simply have to look hard enough.

  I think our relationship will take a heavy hit from this, but hopefully we can keep things amicable, civil and functional. I had an interesting PM from someone who shall remain nameless, but whose opinion I value. He told me to not completely write off Dad's ability to awaken simply because of his age. People in all sorts of circumstances wake from the cult and still find meaning in their lives. It's hard to imagine the same being true of my Dad, but I suppose you never know. Something I said to him may have struck a nerve, especially if there were suppressed doubts already. Any doubts that my Dad has will be super-suppressed, i.e. buried under a mile of cognitive concrete! However, no matter how well buried, they linger nonetheless - as we all know.

  Cedars
• 

  cedars

  Update - my Dad called today out of the blue, and it was nice to have one of those "superficial" conversations once again! Nothing was mentioned about our previous conversation in which I hit him with the revelation that I DON'T respect the WT organization - in fact I hate it. It all was just swept aside, and we carried on as normal - which is all I can realistically hope for.

  Dad mentioned a few JW-related things, but I guess it's hard for him to not mention his activities at least in passing because his whole life is wrapped up in it. One thing of interest was his confirmation of "grab bags". Apparently JWs in the North West of England are being instructed to put all important items in waterproof bags that they can take with them quickly in the event of a flood. Apparently, this is causing some furore - especially among families with small children. Obviously, it's practically impossible for a family to encase everything of value in water-proof protection - but I digress..

  He told me about an old friend of mine, also an elder, who's had a nervous breakdown. After finishing my conversation with Dad, I called him and it was nice to touch base after a good few years. My friend was very open about his depression, but (as I expected) just as heavily indoctrinated as I remembered him to be. He claimed all the pressures he was under were a "sign of the times", and that Armageddon is almost upon us now. World events provide undeniable evidence of this. I found I was able to just nod along, i.e. "no, no, no... yes, yes, yes" just giving tacit agreement to what he was saying even though I didn't agree with any of it. It's good in a way that I'm able to do that with people, my Dad included.

  My friend told me that at least 1 in 5 in his congregation are on anti-depressants and (in his words) "those are just the ones who admit to needing them". It's a shame he can't put two and two together and see a pattern, i.e. "why are a more than a fifth of 'Jehovah's happy people' on anti-depressants despite living in a 'spiritual paradise'?" I'm fairly sure that reasoning along these lines would not have been productive! I just wanted to listen, and make him feel valued as a friend and person I still care about and think of from time to time. In that respect, I feel I succeeded, and it was nice to know I was still able to offer something to him even though he knows I no longer attend meetings.

  Today was a welcome reminder that I CAN have SOME kind of relationship with both JW friends and family alike, and even provide a listening ear when needed. It may not be everything I would like, but at least it's something. Such is life.

  Cedars
• 

  binadub

  Hi Cedars:

  I guess I have a question. :-)

  Back when a person could DA and not be shunned (prior to 1981 or 82), I could understand why a person who could no longer support WT beliefs would disassociate. They could DA and still have association with their family and friends.

  But since it became a shunning offense, for the life of me I do not understand what the purpose is for DAing.

  QUESTION: If you do not believe in the organization, WHY do you feel obliged to play by their rules?
  I have never been DF'd nor did I ever feel any inclination to DA. I simply faded out.

  If your dad does not feel obliged to shun you if you don't DA--then just don't do it.

  Jmho,
  ~Binadub
• 

  cedars

  binadub - good question. I've more-or-less decided now not to "play by their rules". As this thread demonstrates, my Dad is now fully aware of the depths of my feelings against the Society (even though he still doesn't know about my work as Cedars!!!) - but today he has demonstrated that he is still happy to talk to me and have me as part of his life despite my strong feelings. There may be certain areas in which I know he will never be able to contribute to our relationship, but at least we HAVE a relationship, which itself is something to cherish.

  Things are a bit more cold with my sister. I tried calling her a few moments ago, and she was very terse with me - wouldn't do any small talk or speak about anything related to her. I soon realised I was the only one talking. If I was ever DA'd or DF'd I don't think much would change there. She's essentially shunning me already - but then I've had problems in my relationship with her my whole life, even when I was heavily indoctrinated, so I think it's more complicated than religious issues although these clearly don't help any.

  ANYWAY the way I feel now, at this precise point, there is really no point in kicking up any fuss or handing in any letters. I'm in a privileged position where I have a very inexperienced group of local elders who are pretty much terrified of me! Long story. So, they don't bother me, and in return I don't give them too much to worry about either. I'm in a perfect "faded" scenario, with a supportive wife thrown in. Not everything in my garden is rosey, but bottom line I'm under no pressure to make a stand either way.

  I'm therefore just going to carry on as I am doing, writing my articles, making my videos (only never with my voice!) and generally doing as much damage as I can without revealing my identity.

  The only thing is, I love writing and I have decided that I NEED to write a book about my experience at some point in my life. I feel, in many ways, it would be remiss of me not to. I'm not being big-headed in saying that - I just believe that those who are able to write (and have something to write about) should do so, otherwise it's a waste. Once the book is published (whenever that is) it will be very easy to identify me. But here's the clever part - I will be publishing it as a JW and not as a DF'd or DA'd apostate. If, at that point, the Society wants to launch an investigation and DF me, then they can do so - but they will be underscoring their cult-like nature in a very obvious and public way, which will probably be a statement in and of itself.

  That's pretty much what I've decided to do. I would be interested in your thoughts?

  Cedars
• 

  binadub

  Hi Cedars:
  I think your idea to write a book about your experience is great. You are obviously quite gifted in that way. The difference is that you are doing that for YOUR reasons, not the WTS's reasons. You have a story to tell, by all means tell it. I've thought about doing the same. :-)

  As long as people feel obliged to write a DA letter to the society, to my thinking they are still in imaginary bondage to some extent. It's not like there is a law, or like working for a job where you are under contract and need to resign.

  To me, closure would be when I'm beyond needing to comply with the WTS's unenforceable rules, period. If you DA, the action is yours, not theirs, which technically could relieve them of some potential liability I've heard. They would prefer you DA because it takes the monkey off their back.

  Some people have even threatened to sue the WTS if they get DF'd and the result was they were not DF'd. I don't know if that has always been true, but I do know it has been true in a number of cases, including at least one very visible not-anonymous apostate poster on the Internet (formerly on this board) who did not want to be shunned. That 'apostate' even subsequently had one-on-one conversations with GB Schroeder's Bethelite son and also GB Ted Jaracz.

  I'm still anonymous on Internet, but it's more to do with not wanting people where I live to know about my JW past and my activism on the Internet. It's not fear of the WTS nor fear of being shunned by JWs. I could care less if the organization were to DF me, but it would serve them no purpose. The ONLY advanage in not being DA'd or DF'd is that I can say to JWs on the fence, who might otherwise fear talking to me, that I'm not DA'd nor DF'd. That has been an advantage at times when some contact me who are beginning to have doubts and also JWs on the Internet.

  You're doing very well as you are. If you reach a point where you don't want to be bothered anymore with anonymity, just come out for your own reasons and don't worry about what the WTS will do. When you get to that point, they probably won't bother. They are such a big bluff. :-)

  ~Binadub
• 

  cedars

  Thanks binadub, I think we're on the same page with this, aren't we! Like you, I see no reason to play their games. When the time is right, I'll write my book. If they want to take action, they can - but until then I will be using my "status" as a JW to the greatest effect by urging others to get out.

  When I started this thread I was at my wits end with my family. I felt they were no longer a reason preventing me from leaving if I wanted to. After my Dad reestablished contact of his own volition today, I feel a bit better about my decision to stick around. And as you say, entering the judicial circus is just another way of giving them control anyway.

  Cedars