Well, I never suffered from substance abuse, but JW training caused me to go through a similar vicious cycle with my sexual feelings (depressed because I can't stop giving in, then wondering what's the point? I'm not good enough anyway, might as well feel good just one more time before I die. Am I in the neighborhood of your thoughts here?). I guess that was kind of like the alcohol for me, just I didn't go out and sleep with a bunch of people. So you could say I kind of understand. Either way, I'm not here to judge you about what you've said by way of introduction. At least you had the stones to really let loose with the words here, and I appreciate your honesty and openness on your situation.
People are always eager to tell you to get off your butt and do [fill in the blank], but when you're depressed, it's not that you can't do it, it's that you feel so terrible that you can't even WANT to change. It's a burden just to handle day-to-day life. And it's so easy to turn to whatever feels good to escape. I think movies and books also proved to be my personal escape. And that's what you've felt that you've needed, to escape from reality. Because drinking alters reality for you and takes you away--for a time. But you wake up and the pain is still there, waiting right where you left it.
But the thing about this is, yes, it hurts like hell to know that that was your childhood. That you were subjected to a complete isolation and absolute and utter emotional abuse and control. It is horrible, and you need to give yourself permission to grieve over that. To feel like a human being, to actually feel again. Because that was stolen from you. Nothing fully erases that, believe me, I know. I still haven't figured out all that was done to me on an emotional level as a child and as a teenager.
But that's why you need to understand what was done to you and why it was done. It's not because everybody involved was pure evil. But they were subjected to very subtle and powerful persuasion and in turn used those same methods to "train" you. When you understand their methods, and you understand that it's not real, that you're not doomed to destruction, that salvation, be it a religious sort or a literal sort, is still possible for you, it changes everything.
I spent years in therapy, and I didn't really know it at the time, but my mind was working through things I didn't even know were going on inside me until my therapist helped me explore them. So that can be one option for you. You also need support from people you can really trust, who will back you up no matter what you believe or who you are, who will be there because you are you and you are special and unique as a human being.
But in the end, you have to find a way to bury what's been done to you. It will resurface again and again and again, but when you understand why, you are that much stronger. I find that old pain rising every day, but I'm able to bury those evils again and again because I learned it was all a fraud, designed to control and manipulate the innocent and unsuspecting. Once you remove the dark shadow of the Watchtower's authority, it is truly like the clouds part and you can see the sun again. It hurts to face it, and it's nothing one should try to face alone. In fact, it's dangerous to even try it alone. You have to be able to cry and scream and hurt in order to get past this.
But you also have to be ready to fight as well. Because what you'll be fighting for will be your freedom. Your mind is still in chains, and your best shot at surviving this is to start breaking those chains. This can be a long process, but freedom of mind is the single most glorious thing I have experienced in my nearly 30 years on this earth. Nothing compares to it. Once you've tasted it, once you understand its power, your whole outlook on life will change.
Don't worry too much about tomorrow and the road ahead. When you're hurting a great deal, today is all you can handle. So today, maybe you can start unveiling the man behind the Watchtower curtain. Once you do that, you'll realize it's not half as serious as you thought--who knows, maybe years from now you'll be able to laugh at it all, as I do now from time to time.
You can't let them win, man. If you destroy yourself, you have only given them what they wanted--the sick satisfaction of knowing you couldn't endure without their so-called guiding hands to lead you like a child. They don't deserve that satisfaction. You don't have to prove anything to your abusers, granted. But you owe it to yourself to get the rest of the freedom I am sure you set out to achieve.
--sd-7
