If you and your spouse were both JWs but you decided to leave: a few questions

by Lady Lee 12 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  Lady Lee

  If you and your spouse were both JWs but you decided to leave and your spouse decided to stay: a few questions

  I am going to be addressing the International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA) in July at the conference in Montreal. My focus is on 3 groups. The second group consists of people who were JWs, were married to a JW but you have decided to leave and your spouse remained as a JW.

  1. What have been the biggest problems you have faced regarding your relationship and the impact the JW beliefs have had on you?
  2. How has the JW spouse reacted towards you?
  3. Have the elders interfered with your relationship?
  4. Has your decision to leave the JWs resulted in divorce or separation?
  5. And if you had children together what has been the effect on them?
  6. What would you want therapists to know about your situation?
  7. Any other thoughts?
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  Lady Lee

  Please feel free to PM me if you don't want to post on the thread
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  IsaacJ22

  What have been the biggest problems you have faced regarding your relationship and the impact the JW beliefs have had on you?

  The strain of peer pressure on my wife has been considerable--especially when I first decided to leave. JWs from my former KH were literally harassing me for years after I left. They sought me out at work, at home, left 50+ messages on my answering machine every day, etc. For them, she was one way they could gain access to me and it was very hard for her to say no to an elder. That put her in the middle of my struggle to leave. Worst of all, I was, in a real sense, a source of shame for her and her even parents. It's as if my decision to leave reflected on her somehow. Bear in mind that the stereotype of the battered wife trapped in a marriage to a "worldly" mate is a powerful one among Witnesses, and even now, many seem to feel sorry for her. Now that 16 years have passed, she has told me that she's glad to be married to me instead of the Witness husbands who have, in fact, treated their wives badly. But this isn't something she's really allowed to say to other Witnesses who assume the stereotype applies. Also, the topic of religion and the WT was unofficially off-limits for many years between us. Fortunately for me, the KH's bad behavior has eroded my wife's WT bubble with little help from me.

  How has the JW spouse reacted towards you?

  When I first told her that I'm not going back to the KH, she was very upset. That's how a good JW spouse is supposed to feel. She begged me to speak to the elders on at least one occasion when one showed up announced, as they often do.

  Have the elders interfered with your relationship?

  Actually, there was far more interference when we were dating. She had an uncle who was an elder and he felt entitled to get involved even when her more immediate family asked him to back off. When I left the KH, I suspect more may have happened than she admitted at the time. But the way they harassed me about coming back was the worst thing I saw.

  Has your decision to leave the JWs resulted in divorce or separation?

  No.

  And if you had children together what has been the effect on them?

  We have no children.

  What would you want therapists to know about your situation?

  I would want them to understand the culture of JWs, especially the org's power structure. You don't say no to an elder or stand up to an elder unless you want problems. The literature is just plain true, no questioning it. Therapy itself is sometimes frowned upon, and the therapist would be a source of "worldly" wisdom and guidance. In other words, her being a JW comes with a whole new set of baggage the therapist would have to deal with.
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  Lady Lee

  Isaac

  You describe exactly what I have suspected. That sense of failure or contamination by the one still in goes deep.

  I agree to that therapists need to understand that power of the JW culture greatly affects not only those in it but those who leave as well.
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  clearpoison

  1. What have been the biggest problems you have faced regarding your relationship and the impact the JW beliefs have had on you?

  None really, we were both in crossways when all this happened, she decided to stay, I decided to explore my own path. Technically I am not DF/DA but I gave the elders all the weapons if they would like to use it. I still think I should first and most make decision based on moral principles, which I do not find that bad at all.

  1. How has the JW spouse reacted towards you?

  It was clear that we could not continue to conversate over religious matters, which is fine for me. Every now and then she gets sad because we will not spend all eternity together. I try to convince her that I make my very best to nurture happy relation in this life.

  1. Have the elders interfered with your relationship?

  As far as I know they haven't

  1. Has your decision to leave the JWs resulted in divorce or separation?

  No

  1. And if you had children together what has been the effect on them?

  We spend more time together than earlier. They follow their mother to meetings and assemblies, but clearly can not be counted as active witnesses. But I doubt this would be different if I would have continued to attend as infrequent I did.

  1. What would you want therapists to know about your situation?

  I've told all of this very openly to my therapist. What I would like them to understand is that personal issues cannot be fully credited to being part of JW religion. There are lots of good things there too and even many happy memories. It is not as black and white as they seem to like to understand.

  1. Any other thoughts?

  CP
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  Freeof1914

  1. Our biggest issues have been the anger I have towards the organization and the leaders. In our marriage this has resulted i. Tremendous stress and I know that she is ashamed of having to go out on field service and meetings alone. She is a very zealous pioneer and we pioneered together before we were married and six years into our marriage. I feel sad because I can empathize with how she feels and my mother in law has told me that she feels abandoned and my family tells me that if she were to stumble it would be my fault. I am now exploring different beliefs ans I am very open to other religious ideas and spirituality in general and unfortunately I cannot share my innermost thoughts with her because the elders have made it clear to her that she should be careful in talking religious matters with me. I am not DF or DA only because when I spoke to my father who is an elder he implored me not to write my letter because at least he would be able to talk to me if I didn't. He is the one who suggested I just become inactive I took his advice and wish I had not.

  2.She has become cold and distant, altough there have been times that we seem to capture that original spark it is obvious that there seems to be an insurmountable chasm between us.

  3. Somewhat but there is no way of inowing to what degree honestly. They came here a few times and spoke to me and then asked to speak to her alone in MY home which I found to be so disrespectful and almost kicked them out but out of resopect to my wife I did not. I could not believe that they thought they held that much authority, when they left I told her that is the last time that is going to happen in my home.

  4. We are heading down that path definitely for various reasons. She is no longer happy and neither am I because of this entire situation, I want to spend my life with someone who will accept me completely and not only the parts that do not conflict with her witness beleifs. We do not have children and I have explicitly told her that I will not allow my children to be raised as witnesses and I am at an age where I am ready for a family. I forsee that in the coming months we will be seperated or divorced, being that we have had the conversation many times.

  5. No children thankfully.

  6. When you are inside it is not bad, I had amazing friends and a great family life but in a blink if an eye all of that got wiped away because I DISAGREED and that is the power of a cult they hold all of the chips in their hands and coerce you with the most powerful thing possible family and love, I know that in my case this kept my thoughts in check for many years, any doubts were quickly quieted because I knew what I was risking. This alone means that you repress many feelings and thought from even your closest family members or best friends, and this does not lead to healthyopen communication and friendships because no one really knows hpwho you are inside. Once I left i realized that I never ever really was open with anyone now I have two real friends and I tell them everything about my point of views, my thoughts and beleifs and they actually love my raw honesty. In the org this does not exist and even though you are surrounded with the people who love you it is a farce because they really dont know you. In the org you live in a constant state of heightened alert never knowing if you are doing enough, never knowing if you make a mistake will you lose all ofmyour friends and family, never knowing if you will lose all of your privileges it is highly stressful.
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  X-JW in AK

  Hi,

  I just signed onto this group and am glad to find you. I left the religion in 1997. The numbering below is a bit skewed, but here's my response to your questions:

  1. What have been the biggest problems you have faced regarding your relationship and the impact the JW beliefs have had on you?

  When I decided to leave "The Truth" I told my husband I could no longer be a hypocrite. I could see the "love" they claimed to have among the brotherhood was not love at all. My husband was upset, but not angry, and in the end left the religion with me. (I expected him to want to divorce me because he was born and raised in the religion. I became a JW when I was 19 in 1969.)

  The Biggest problem was having our entire family turn against, both sides. We were living on my husband's parents' property, taking care of them in their elder years. The oldest of the sibblings (an Elderette) made sure our life was miserable after we made our announcement to leave. We finally walked away from our home that was on the property (this was Sisters, Oregon), lost everything, and moved back to Alaska, and of course, our apostacy followed us. I am a midwife and know MANY JWs, having served them at birth.

  1. How has the JW spouse reacted towards you?

  After leaving, he once said "where else is there to go?" and I said ANYWHERE but there. He decided to follow me out of the religion.

  1. Have the elders interfered with your relationship?

  They tried. They tried to get me into an elder's meeting, which I refused to go. Then when my husband showed he was following my steps, they tried to get him into a meeting, but he refused.

  1. Has your decision to leave the JWs resulted in divorce or separation?

  That was in 1997. I am happy to say we are still together in a very loving relationship, having been together 41+ years.

  1. And if you had children together what has been the effect on them?

  Some of our 7 children also disapproved our decision to leave. My daughter #5 thought is was Horrible that I left the religion. I stood my ground. Today all of my children have left the organization, including that daughter, who is very active in a non-denominational Christian church. I can't go there...tried...can't do it.

  1. What would you want therapists to know about your situation?

  I actually went to a therapist who recognized that I had been "thrown out of the tribe" as she put it. She taught me how to "think" again, instead of the brainwashing I had for over 35 years.

  1. Any other thoughts?

  I was a very active JW for many of the 35+ years I was involved. I watched the slow erosion of family life that took place as a result of the beliefs that if they left the "truth" they were no longer part of your family. My mother (who I cried and prayed for daily until she became a very active JW pioneer..still is as far as I know) shuns me to this day. It has been quite the experience. I am happy to say I am now At Peace. The Beatles' song "All you need is LOVE" is where I am at spiritually, and I am happy.

  SharonE
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  Lady Lee

  cp Good thing you have been able to avoid getting DFed or DAed. That alone has probably helped a lot in your marriage.

  free of 1914

  nothing like a lot of guilt-tripping to try to get people to conform.

  wow the nerve to ask to talk to your wife in YOUR home alone. They do have this sense of entitlement. I am glad to hear that you won't have children with her but how sad that this has torn you both apart.

  X-JW I am glad you were both able to get out. But the price is very high.
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  BluesBrother
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  BluesBrother

  Where did my post go? Cheesh! here goes again :

  1. What have been the biggest problems you have faced regarding your relationship and the impact the JW beliefs have had on you?
  2. How has the JW spouse reacted towards you?
  3. Have the elders interfered with your relationship?
  4. Has your decision to leave the JWs resulted in divorce or separation?
  5. And if you had children together what has been the effect on them?
  6. What would you want therapists to know about your situation?
  7. Any other thoughts?

  1&2) She thinks that I am nuts, suffering something "in the head" - that way she can disregard anything I say

  3) No

  4) No

  5) Not applicable

  6) Sure.....

  7) I remain just "inactive" in dubspeak having achieved a slow fade. Sis.Blues is not your average Sis. She is much more independent thinking and does not always accept what they say these days - still convinced that it is "the truth" though