Angry/Pouty Father In Law

by TOTH 12 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  TOTH

  Several months ago my father in law abused his KEY Priveleges for the final time. He barged in after my son and I had left and harassed my darling wife/his daughter and tried to bully her into GIVING him her pain medication. When I heard about the situation after he had left we decided that the locks needed to be changed.

  My wife had agreed to him having a key IN CASE of EMERGENCY or if she needed help and I was out of town or something. He NEVER called first or even knocked, just used the key as quietly as possible then walked in. I was LIVID about it all along, but his sneak attack and bully tactics got HER to see reason, thus the lock change.

  Well he FINALLY showed up a couple of days ago. He has been very sick and unable to get around much. So, no phone call, or even a knock. He tried his out of date key and when it didn't work he pounded on the door. I thought the FUZZ was serving a search warrant! NO SHIT! It was like the cops were at the door. So my youngest son mosies over to the door and peeps and says, "I think it's grampa...WTF..." (Kinda under his breath) Then says, I thought it was the FU**ING cops!! LMAO!!!

  So he opens the door and hugs his grampa and then my FIL looks at me and said, "This KEY doesn't work! I had to KNOCK!" I just looked at him and said that we changed the lock. He said, Hmmph and I called Mrs. TOTH and told her that her dad was here. She called him back in the bedroom and I stayed on the couch watching COLD CASE.

  Her dad stayed for about 15 minutes then he staggered back in here. He said bye and hugged my son again and I offered him a ride home since he looked like he really could use one. He smiled and said that he had a hard time getting here and going back would be hard but he would walk. I offered again and he again refused. Ok....

  He turned back and said in a sad voice...You had to change the lock? And I said that we did. He frowned then walked out. Like Give me a key or I'll pout. EFF THAT NOISE...

  So I went back to talk to Mrs. TOTH and she said she was glad that I was not rude to her dad and didn't say HE was the reason for the lock being changed. She had told him there had been a couple of break ins and the apartment mgr changed the locks and denied permission to make copies or give out a key to ANYONE. Hmmm not my idea of the thing to do, but it's done and I suppose I will back her on it.

  After reading this, do you think she did the best thing to spare his feelings? I know she THINKS she did, but I feel like I should have respectfully told him way back when about his barging in.

  Ahh the things I do and endure for love....
• 

  Diest

  He sounds nutty enought that it is easier to spare his feelings. Granted if you want him to stop calling, let him know why you did it.
• 

  JeffT

  He barged in after my son and I had left and harassed my darling wife/his daughter and tried to bully her into GIVING him her pain medication.

  My internal alarm went off at this sentence, that may be reaction to my own status as a recovering alcoholic but I have to ask: Is your FIL an addict? The sentence above and several other things, the pouty attitude, door pounding, staggering when he walks etc are all symptoms of a larger problem. If you don't want that discussion in public PM me, or ignore me if you don't want it at all, but this all sounds way to familiar to me. To answer your question, I think your wife handled it pretty well, there is no use in stirring the pot, especially if he does have a problem. His feelings have nothing to do with it, protecting your family comes first. If his feelings get spared in the process, fine; but don't worry about that part.
• 

  nugget

  You were right to change the locks as his behaviour is bizzare. Even when I have been given a key to some one elses property I have only used it when specifically requested to do so. A key does not give you the right to come in whenever you wish. Normal people would follow the protocol of knocking and where appropriate phoning ahead when visiting someone elses home.

  The fact that he was sneaking in either means he was hoping to catch the family doing something they shouldn't or that he wanted to sneak in for nefarious purposes. Neither put him in the best light. Why should his daughter's pain medication be of any concern to him? If she was an addict then perhaps he may feel an intervention was required but to bully her into handing it over when she is home alone was not the act of a loving father. If she needs the medication and was prescribed it then he had no right taking it.

  His behaviour when his key didn't work was again extreme. He may need some psychiatric help.

  By not telling him he was the reason the locks were changed may be ok in the short term but does not address the issues including the right to be treated with respect and the right to privacy. It will be interesting to see if the act of changing the locks serves to moderate his behaviour but if he continues to visit unannounced and be demanding and bullying then it must be dealt with otherwise your home will not be your own.
• 

  TOTH

  Thanks for your comments everyone.

  Jefft, yes he is addicted to prescription pain klillers. He runs through his monthly script in about two to two and a half weeks. Thus the drug seeking. He buys it off the street even. BUT, since his savings is depleted he has sold two cars and now has his 65 Chevy p/u up for sale. doc says he shouldn't drive anymore so he figures he can lose the truck now.

  My wife DOES take prescription pain meds as well and she USED to help him out but has not given him anything in going on two years now.

  Nugget...Being a jw I am sure that he was sneaking in in part to bust us doing something non jw. Like smoking...But part of me tells me that it's hard to say NO to an addict when they surprise you in bed as opposed to my wife telling him no over the telephone. Of course being baptized over 60 years he will NEVER seek out mental health. He refuses to see his dependancy and justifies himself because the DOCTOR prescribes his meds. He has no concept of drug dependancy when the drug is from the doctor. the doc told him in front of me once that he WAS and addict and he exploded all over him. So sad...
• 

  Disillusioned Lost-Lamb

  I don't think it was about sparing his feelings. Your wife might have known the shit storm that would ensue if she had told him the truth and was shielding you, your family and herself from him and his craziness.
• 

  TOTH

  DL-L...You are probably right. NOBODY has a key to his house, but he feels he has to have one to ours. I was going to march right over to him when I first learned of his bullying her but she cut me off and blocked the door. she said that it'd be best to pay to get a new lock than deal with the guilt and drama. He is her dad but he lost THAT protective shield when he became a bully. He's 70 now and I suppose arguing or throwing blows with me can bring nothing good to his condition. But he is DEAD wrong with the sneaking and bullying and now the pouting. Guilt trip city right out of teh wt's How To book.
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  jamiebowers

  I remember reading about your f-i-l bullying your wife for pain meds. Please, before he hurts himself or someone else, call his doctor about his addiction. You may even be able to do it anonymously.
• 

  JeffT

  What Jamie said. Also, find an Alanon meeting, or a rehab center. Look up local service/government groups that deal with problems involving seniors. Perscription drug abuse is a medical problem that can easily turn into a legal problem. I'm not big on interventions, but it might help.

  Under no circumstances let this man push you and/or any member of your family around. If necessary call the police. Drug addicts do some seriously crazy stuff when their supply runs out.
• 

  TOTH

  Jamiebowers...I have met with his doctor twice in the past. I told him about him hounding my wife for her meds and that I was afraid that he would OD if she gave him anything at all since he takes a month's supply of dilaudid and over 200 fiorinol with codeines in two weeks time. He thanked me for the info and strongly admonished me to not allow my wife to give him ANYTHING. He said he would handle it. I know for a fact that this doc has been to court at least four times to answer charges made by the pharmacy and the California Dept. of Justice about my fil's case. He justifies the high dosages, but he admits that it's a fine line he walks.

  JeffT...He refuses to go. He is NOT A JUNKY in his mind since the doc prescribes them. He does however conveniently skirt the issue of getting them from the street pushers too. SO SAD!