by Guest 77 15 Replies latest jw friends
I'm interested in knowing how many are still in the clutches of fear and guilt and what have you doing about it.
I'm also interested in succes stories. Your thoughts and actions will help others to free themselves from these destructive seeds resulting in a better and a happier life.
Guest 77
Guest77,
For me it comes in waves. I'll be fine for a while and then all of a sudden a wave of doubt (not necessarily fear or guilt) comes over me. I'll start thinking about something the JW's taught me and I'll start to think "Well, how else could that scripture apply other than how they have interpreted it?"
The way that I'm handling it right now is to gather as much information from as many sources as I can so that "I" can come to my "own" conclusion. Not have someone "else" tell me what conclusion to come to. But the waves are still coming and who knows if they will ever go away. I can only hope.
Shimmer
Maybe being oneself is alway an acquired taste.-----PATRICIA HAMPL
My remedy for the fear is to face it head on. When my girlfriend got married I was terrified of going into the church for the ceremony but I did it - took a deep breath and walked right in. And the ceiling did not collapse on top of me. I even took a study course on the Bible from a church - believe it or not - no pressure to join - they just wanted to teach people about the Bible - wow what a novel concept.
When I wanted to go to school I was a little more cautious. I took 2 courses to see if I could do it. Not only could I do it I did well at it so went full-time - first to college (with honors) - then to university.
When I wanted to move across the country - took a deep breath and did it. Sold what I couldn't take - packed up the rest and my two cats and drove.
And yes I had a lot of fear. But knowing the difference between unreasonable fears and being prudent makes a world of difference. I still don't walk down dark streets in the bad part of town alone. But when the fear stops me from doing something that will make me happy - I take that deep breath and go for it.
As for the guilt - there is a difference between the guilt others impose and the guilt of actually doing something wrong. When I am wrong - I admit it, try to correct the wrong or make amends and take that deep breath and keep going.
But when the guilt is from others (and I can tell because it usually starts with "You should...." then it gets ignored. For every person who is pointing a finger at me and telling me "You should...." there are 3 fingers pointing straight back at them. Try it - take your finger and point at something. Look at your hand. What do you see.
It has been my experience that all those who have tried to tell me "You should...." or "You're so selfish" were trying to manipulate me into doing what THEY wanted - so they were more selfish than they were telling me I was.
And there is a difference between being selfish (trying to get your needs met at the expence of others) and being self-caring (trying to take good care of yourself - cause lord knows nobody else will).
Rejoice in the healing and not in the pain.
Rejoice in the challenge overcome and not in the past hurts.
Rejoice in the present - full of love and joy.
Rejoice in the future for it is filled with new horizons yet to be explored. - Lee Marsh 2002
OK LadyLee, you took my breath away. Thanks for your comments. Would you say that your education helped you to put your fears and guilt in perspective? By the way, I practice deep breathing.
As to pointing fingers my favorite scripture is Romans 2:21 "....do you, however, the one teaching someone else, not teach yourself?"
Personally, by exchanging ideas and thoughts, readers can extract useful suggestions to combat these gripping gremlins. Discussing and writing helps others to combat these negative influences. Thanks again.
Guest 77
<<Would you say that your education helped you to put your fears and guilt in perspective?>>
Hmmm well yes and no. The formal education validated me as a person - that I was capable - and smart (opposite of what I was told).
My informal educate is what really helped. When I left the org I had never been on my own. I was depressed to the point of thinking about dying on a daily basis. I was a high school drop-out (forced to quit school by my JW mother), had what I thought were no employable skills, and was alone with 2 girls. I was also trying to deal with early childhood sexual abuse plus the abuse in my marriage.
I got therapy. I read every book printed about recovery and at the time there weren't a lot so I wound up reading them as they were published. And I talked and talked and talked to everyone who would listen.
Certainly the more information I had the better equipped I was to deal with whatever life threw at me and the choices I had to make. Fortuneately I have a pretty good moral sense and made good choices for the most part - just a few mistakes along the way. And learned that the mistakes were learning experiences and not to beat myself up over them. I learned that it was better to be human than to be perfect. And I learned it was OK to ask questions and search for answers. I still don't have them all. I am still learning but expect that to end only when I die.
Rejoice in the healing and not in the pain.
Rejoice in the challenge overcome and not in the past hurts.
Rejoice in the present - full of love and joy.
Rejoice in the future for it is filled with new horizons yet to be explored. - Lee Marsh 2002
Lady Lee,
I thought your comments were outstanding. When someone feels fear or guilt coming on, I think they should come back and reread your words.
Now, if you could turn your words into a 200 page book, you would make lots of money and help out a lot of people in the process.
LadyLee, can I say then that yours came through trial and error? Expecting too much of oneself can be a barrier to overcome these negatives.
Do you think men have a harder time coping with these gremlins than females? Personally, I think so, but then again I could be wrong. I say this because females emotionally mature quicker than men. I still know men who act and behave like kids, yeah, but their happy in their own little world. Ha ha.
People shy away from exposing their inner feelings due to lack of trust. They say that nine out ten people never complete their therapy sessions. You need someone to really trust, but then again, there are a few that just blurt right out and say what's on their chest. I know one thing, holding it in is not healthy. Have a happy.
Guest 77
Shimmer, the main point is, it works. But as you say, it comes in waves.
Do you have a trusting friend that you can share your emotions? Have you tried humor books? How about laughing at yourself? How about implanting some positive thoughts in your subconcious mind to combat the waves? There is no question that sooner or later we have to confront these gremlins and the sooner the better, what do you think?
Guest 77
Thank you larc - I'm working on it - one of these days I will finish it
Rejoice in the healing and not in the pain.
Rejoice in the challenge overcome and not in the past hurts.
Rejoice in the present - full of love and joy.
Rejoice in the future for it is filled with new horizons yet to be explored. - Lee Marsh 2002
<<LadyLee, can I say then that yours came through trial and error? Expecting too much of oneself can be a barrier to overcome these negatives.>>
Yup
<<Do you think men have a harder time coping with these gremlins than females? Personally, I think so, but then again I could be wrong. I say this because females emotionally mature quicker than men. I still know men who act and behave like kids, yeah, but their happy in their own little world. Ha ha.>>
Harder? not sure. Certainly different. Men are taught from a very early age not to show fear of external things. In one way this makes some things easier because they will force themselves to face fear and conquer it. Women are trained to run or let a man take care of it. On the other hand some fears men are not allowed to face - emotional fears, confusion (a normal state when one does not have enough information) and other internal fears. Few men have been taught how to deal with these internal battles and therefore have few skills in this area.
This doesn't mean they can't learn just as women can't learn to face those external fears - just harder.
<<People shy away from exposing their inner feelings due to lack of trust. They say that nine out ten people never complete their therapy sessions. You need someone to really trust, but then again, there are a few that just blurt right out and say what's on their chest. I know one thing, holding it in is not healthy.>>
Exposing oneself is never easy. Some people say they need to trust the therapist. I have a problem with this idea. I have sat on both sides of this fence - as the client and as the therapist. There is no way I can fully trust someone I don't know. All I really know is that (if I have chosen well) this person knows enough to guide me where I need to go internally to find my answers. This is not a lot to place trust in. I have had both good and bad therapists. Some were too controlling. Some didn't guide me at all and provided no reflection - should have stayed home and talked to the mirror.
On the therapy side I have had people come in and expect to trust me. Well I know what it is like to have my trust abused. I tell them that they do not need to trust me immediately. That is totally unreasonable. Trust is something I have to earn. I do that by supporting the client. Showing patience. I do that by providing the information they need and the support to reach out for what they need. It is not my job to tell someone what to do - only to help them discover what it is and then help them find ways to do it. I think that being a good therapist involves part teacher, part friend, part parent, part confessor, part guide, part cheerleader....
As for the 9 out 10 who do not finish therapy... by whose standards. Therapy is "done" when the person no longer feels the need for it. Hopefully that is when they have the answers they need and can make the choices they want to. It should not be defined by the therapist - 10 sessions - heck if they "get" it in 5 more power to them.
Rejoice in the healing and not in the pain.
Rejoice in the challenge overcome and not in the past hurts.
Rejoice in the present - full of love and joy.
Rejoice in the future for it is filled with new horizons yet to be explored. - Lee Marsh 2002
