At my breaking point

by so confused 23 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  so confused

  So it does not seem like Im dealing very well. Its been 6 month since we have stopped going to the meeting. I feel like Im on overload I took today off of work because yesterday i was crying and could not focus on anything. Embarssing in front of co-worker and my new supervisor. I dont believe that scripture that says god wont give you more than you can deal with. I am way past my breaking point. I dont trust myself anymore. I'm crying all the time. I feel like im living in fear. Im depressed. Tired and just want to go to sleep. I'm Waiting for a knock on the door from a elder wanting to disfellowship me.Then all my witness family wont speak with me again(they have all told me they wont beable to talk to me or be involved in my babies life) The elder started calling us a couple weeks ago. I took the message machine off so they can no longer leave a message and turned the volume down. I think the CO visit is coming up. We are trying to ignore them. My husband sees that this is stressing me out and made a comment that he could call them and tell them to stop bothering us. I told him not to - thinking it would make the situation worse. I dont even know if im just overreacting.

  One good thing is Ive been talking with my disfellowshiped sister again through facebook. We still need to have a heart to heart about the past. but i think we are working on having a relationship. We have not talked about JW things yet.

  My mom stated im feeling this way because i'm reading apostate sites and thats what i get. I told her that is not true i know alot of JW that are depressed and are meds and commit suicide. She does not understand that its her and my JW family doing this to me and making me feel this way. She feels she has a "daughter dying of cancer". I want to pull away and not call her as much but she is in her 80's living alone and I worry about her. I had to get a new babysitter because my sister in law could not longer take care of my baby anymore (i think particle of the reason is because we are not going to the meeting anymore but she did not say that was the reason). Anyway I found this great lady who teachers sunday school and seems really nice and i think my baby will be safe with her. My mom 1st question was what are you going to do about Christmas and birthdays when he is with this non JW.?

  I have also had conversation with more of my witness relatives who just found out I not attending and the conversations (they live out of state) have not gone well.One of my other JW sisters called me wanting to talk and "encourage". Both of us where emotional and could not have a calm discussion. She asked my to watch a JW video and I told her I would think about it. But she was being pushy about it and wanting to discuss it after. She was not really listening anyway. She asked me if I wanted to be JW. I told her no. Then my brother emailed me wanting to have a study with me to help my and answer my questions (he is a elder). I have not emailed him back. Then my niece call the other day. Mad at me for not calling her and telling her what i'm going through and hurt that i did not come to her. She stated she wants my reasoning for not being active. She was trying to reason with me and i could not even think could not give a good reply. My brain is so over loaded. She stated she will wait until i can talk and told me not to fault her she love me and is worried about me. I told her god gave us freedom and I feel they are taken that gift away from me.

  I know im pulling away from everyone. I think im doing that because when and if i'm df it wont hurt as much. But I dont have any friends. or family that i can talk to and its take a toll on me. I have not talked to my non-JW family because I dont want to make more conflict for my mom and JW sister and brother. I do have my husband to talke to but its not the same and it dont think he know what to do with me because i think im going crazy. All it do is work, take care of my baby and sleep. Yesterday I scheduled a appointment with Therapist but its not until July 17. I just hope I can make it. I told my mom maybe i need a happy pill.

  This week I learned that my nephew is in a prison in germany for the last 9 months awaiting trial. I think thats what put me over the edge yesterday. I was trying to get my JW family to sign a petition and my brother in law emailed me back stating "you know I dont get involved in politics". It just makes me so mad. My other JW family signed it and he is a elder and she is a pioneer. He does not even know what he is talking about.

  I'm writing a book again sorry. I guess its been to long time since I wrote on the forum.

  Bye
• 

  talesin

  You are not alone. We are here for you, and this pain will end, I promise.

  It's good you came here - you know we care.

  If Canadians can sign your petition, and you wish, you can PM me and I would be happy to support you in that as well.

  xo

  tal
• 

  wasblind

  ((((((( So confused )))))))

  It's understandable to feel that way due to the fears you mentioned

  the good thing about it you seem to have a husband to look after you

  and give you comfort, that's alot better than goin' it alone

  Once you over come your fears , things should get better as time goes on
• 

  brokethechain
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  Guest with Questions

  Can you politely tell your family that you need some time alone without interference to think things through? Better yet, can't you put it on the backburner for a while and just enjoy your family. Don't allow, even family, to suck the joy out of you and your family. This is a stressful time so not a good time to make any decisions.

  I don't believe that God gives us more than we can handle. It may seem so when we go through it but trust me it will get better. You may even look back at this time and be thankful that it happened because your life is better than you ever imagined.

  A dear friend left the witnesses 18 years ago. She was never disfellowshipped even though she has never gone back to the hall. She still has a relationship with her children and grandchildren. We believe that they will eventually see the errors of the Watchtower and leave.

  My mom left a few years ago at the age of 79. She has never been happier and is married to a wonderful man. She realizes now that it is a cult and that she believed in an organization over God.

  Think of the positives in your life; your children, your husband and your renewed relationship with your sister. Who knows, your family may also eventually see the "light". We may give up on Him but God never gives up on us.

  In the end, whether you go back to the hall or leave permanently, make sure that it is your, and your husband's, decision. I believe that it is a false religion but you have to look into it yourself. When you feel strong enough study and compare Watchtower teachings against Bible teaching. Pray that God will give you discernment and peace about your situation. When I was in that storm (hurricane) I held on to the fact that in the centre it is peaceful. For me that peace could only be found in God. The following verse I hung on to.

  Isaiah 41:13 For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
• 

  outsmartthesystem

  "My mom stated im feeling this way because i'm reading apostate sites and thats what i get. "

  She's a little bit correct.....but she has no idea WHY she is right. She is right because ike Neo....you've elected to take the red pill as opposed to the blue pill. You now see the "truth" for what it is.....and it is highly disturbing. Had you taken the blue pill and just buried your head back in the sand.....she is right....you wouldn't be feeling this way. But to me.....living in willful ignorance just isnt an option.....regardless of the peace that is lost by investigating the real truth.

  "She asked my to watch a JW video and I told her I would think about it. But she was being pushy about it and wanting to discuss it after."

  You could always watch it.....tear apart the inconsistencies , fallacies and falsehoods and then ask her why God's organization would have to resort to such tactics just to produce a video

  "I know im pulling away from everyone. I think im doing that because when and if i'm df it wont hurt as much. But I dont have any friends. or family that i can talk to and its take a toll on me. I have not talked to my non-JW family because I dont want to make more conflict for my mom and JW sister and brother."

  I know how you feel about pulling away. I did the same. Part of me did it for the reason you mentioned and the other part of me did it because I literally could not stand to hear any more JW organization bullshit talk. Personally though....I think your reason for not talking to your non-JW family is a bad one. You can't be a hermit for fear of upsetting the JWs whether they are your family or not. If you need to talk to someone.....DO IT! If your JW family gets upset because you needed someone to talk to.....then that alone tells you how unreasonable they are.....and all the more reason to get the hell out of that organization. Remember, they are making just as much conflict for you as you are for them. They don't cease talking to one another about YOU for fear of making more conflict do they?
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  tornapart

  It's such a hard place to be and I have often wondered how I would cope if I decided to leave for good. I think maybe I would feel the same as you. I can only think that really the choice to leave is yours and yours alone. How they choose to react is their choice. At the moment yoiu can't cope with the pressure they are putting on you. Maybe the best course is to tell them that you are depressed and you are finding it difficult to cope with everything and you need some space. Could you and your family get away for a short spell away from everyone and everything? Just to try and recharge your batteries.

  I wish you and your husband all the very best.
• 

  DesirousOfChange

  Then my brother emailed me wanting to have a study with me to help my and answer my questions (he is a elder). I have not emailed him back.

  If you think you can sit thru it without going ballistic on him, do so with the intention of making him respond to all your new questions about the Truth.

  Same with the video and your sister. Watch it first and prepare your list of arguments, then present them to her after you watch it together.

  If you want to fade..............you are saying and writing way to much!!! If you want to fade..........just claim you're depressed and need a break from all the hassles.

  Doc
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  JWdaughter

  You are having a really tough time. I'm sorry and hope that things turn around for the better soon. If elders want to talk, just say no and get off the phone/close the door. They have no right to harrass you-no matter what position they are appointed to. Hang tough!
• 

  Nice_Dream

  ((((so confused)))))

  It sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now. The postpartum period is a very difficult time, especially if you have little support and have to go back to work. On top of that, you're also adjusting to a change in your belief system, and are feeling pressure from your family to go back to their religion.

  That is wonderful you have an appointment with a therapist coming up in a few weeks. If you feel like you need to talk to someone before then, please seek help or talk to your doctor.

  Last year I left the religion and was pregnant shortly after. It was a difficult adjustment and put a huge strain on our marriage. I have found therapy has been really helpful, and also talked to my doctor about postpartum depression and have help for that.

  I suffed from anxiety postpartum, and was afraid of any knock on the door in case it was a witness. Please don't feel like you're overreacting, you may just be suffering from anxiety. Perhaps you could kindly tell your relatives that you are suffering from PPD and don't want to discuss religion right now.

  I sent you a PM. Take care!