Questions about disfellowshipping and 'non-sanctioned' shunning

by Steve_C 16 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  Steve_C

  Basically, I have a couple of questions about the current “rules” regarding disfellowshipping and shunning. By current I mean since 1999.

  Sorry, but I have to put a bit of my history to clarify my situation.

  I was a born-in who was baptized in 1983. Got married to a sister in 1984. Then the kids came. By the mid-1990s my wife and I had become increasingly irregular, so that by 1999 we were both inactive and only went to the Memorial and conventions.

  In 1999 I committed adultery, confessed to the elders, and had a judicial committee. At the time I really did feel contrite (more for my wife’s feelings than for ‘bringing reproach on Jehovah’) and I guess the elders could see this because they didn’t disfellowship me. That day I left the judicial meeting feeling great and ready to be Ü ber-Witness .

  T he weird thing is, by the very next day I’d done a complete 180 and decided I would never return to the kingdom hall (my wife had already decided that for herself).

  Flash forward to 2006, after 7 years of being an inactive JW, celebrating holidays, etc. At that time I told my JW sister that I was gay (yes, I was married with kids. It’s a long story that I’ll have to explain in another post if anyone asks). My sister tells me that, even though I’m not disfellowshipped, my ‘actions’ show that I have disassociated myself. Hence, she began to shun me and still does to this day.

  In 2008 I moved out of the country. However, from 1999 to 2008, except for the occassional “we miss you at the meetings” visit, I was never contacted by the elders about any additional judicial meetings, being disfellowshipped, etc., even though I lived in the same house and they knew my contact information.

  So, I’d like to ask anyone out there…

  1. Wouldn’t the elders have contacted me if they were thinking of disfellowshipping me? (I'm thinking in the event that my sister had talked to my hall's elders about my gay ‘confession’ to her).

  2. Are JWs now instructed to shun people even when they haven’t been disfellowshipped/disassociated? (Or is this my sister’s own interpretation?)

  3. Has anyone else experienced this ‘non-sanctioned’ shunning, especially by family members?

  Sorry for the long post.
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  jamiebowers

  Yes, it happened to my brother. He committed adultery but wasn't df'd, probably because the elders knew what a major bitch his wife was. He then proceeded to move out, file for divorce, and move in with a "worldly" woman, and still no df'ing. Then he met another "worldly" woman with whom he lived and eventually married. He still hasn't been df'd or even called for a jc despite the fact that his current address is on the divorce papers. But our mother, in her infinite self-serving jw smugness, refused to even see him.

  What really cracks me up is that she asked my brother if his new wife wondered why he didn't have any family. Smart ass that he is, he asked our mom, "What makes you think I don't have any family?" She said, "Do you mean Jamie?" (yes, me the evil one who was df'd for making a false confession to adultery to get away from my dangerously abusive jw husband). And he said, "Yes, she's met Jamie."

  The Watch Tower turns people evil! My mom cried the blues for years about losing her daughter, but the minute she had the chance to shun my brother, her only remaining child, she jumped on it like a rodeo bull rider.
• 

  EmptyInside

  My oldest brother left home and the religion when he turned 18. He moved clear across country, and lived with his first wife before they were married. My mother was bothered by this and discussed the matter with an elder.

  This was years ago,but the gist of the what the elder said was,it was at least 10 years since he had been to a meeting. He no longer identified himself as a Witness. No one in the area knew him as a Witness,etc.

  Of course,this was years ago,and it depends on the elder body.

  As far as your sister is concerned,that's her own choice in the matter. It's a shame though.
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  Borges

  I was never disfellowshipped, but my whole family is shunning me.

  First I stopped going to the meetings. Then I moved in another city and never contacted any of the witnesses there.

  Now I'm living together with my girlfriend. Nobody ever bothered about disfellowshipping me. But from the moment I told my family that I don't believe in the "truth" anymore, they broke up contact immedeately.
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  darthweef

  I am also dealing with the "you're not disfellowshipped but I have judged you evil" shunning ... Parents disowned me, brother and sister both will have nothing to do with me .. most of friends ignore and do not return calls.

  My closest friend in the world, who has largely stayed on the fence, text me tonight saying he needed to talk to me tomorrow, which will likely be the "I can't have anything to do with you" conversation..

  The organization teaches its followers to be judgmental and reactive .. they will deal with that training despite any official word one way or the other, if you are doing something they deem unworthy.

  It's sad, lame and ultimately destructive to all involved. It's best to be as distant as possible from any of it.
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  Chariklo

  Bookmarking, sorry, no time to read properly now, or make useful comment, but I want to get back to this later.
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  harleybear

  I have faded, not DF'ed nor DA'ed. Family what it is, has not shunned me but I divorced them. No contact with my father who a huge pain in the ASS and a phony, uncles and aunts who smile nodding their heads and say " she's a good girl". Not many "sheperding call" unless they are short on their time and need a RV and placment. Once a month maybe. I really doubt there will be any action because I intimidate the living crap out of them. Gawd I actually ask questions and I am a chick. What will Jehovah think. The non-sanctioned shunning is a way for "them" to feel better about where they are. What I wonder is if they look at me and think " but for the grace of God, there go I". Do they secretly yearn to do the same thing I have done.
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  alanv

  Since the Watchtower changed the baptism questions in 1985, a witnesse has to vow to work with the organisation, (i e follow their doctrines.) If you do not, clearly you are showing you know longer wish to be a witness.

  The society have already shown that if witnesses do not follow the doctrines, then they are within their rights to say you are no longer a JW.

  They may or may not make an announcement, but either way the witnesses know how they should treat someone who has rejected 'God's channel of communication.'
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  mercedes_29

  My mother faded and when certain JWs see her in the store they shun her. Some still show up at her door during Memorial season, but these same people will turn their backs on her when not in "service".
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  dozy

  1. Wouldn’t the elders have contacted me if they were thinking of disfellowshipping me? (I'm thinking in the event that my sister had talked to my hall's elders about my gay ‘confession’ to her).

  Yes - in most cases. However if you have left the country then I'm guessing you are long since forgotten about.

  2. Are JWs now instructed to shun people even when they haven’t been disfellowshipped/disassociated? (Or is this my sister’s own interpretation?)

  They are not strictly speaking instructed to "shun". In fact , JWs are not supposed to "mark" someone who hasn't officially been marked by the elders. In practice though , you are regarded as a "bad associate" so many JWs, especially self righteous ones , will do so.

  3. Has anyone else experienced this ‘non-sanctioned’ shunning, especially by family members?

  Most faders have. I faded ( not DFd or DAd , still attend memorials , go to congregation get-togethers etc as my wife attends ) but several members of my extended family completely shun me. They either emailed me directly to tell me this or literally rudely just dropped any contact without saying. Phone calls & texts go unanswered , facebook / yahoo etc is suddenly de-friended , no anniversary or postcards are ever sent ( though we still send out).