think i'm becoming an atheist

by rather be in hades 43 Replies latest jw friends

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  rather be in hades

  i was just thinking about how often i prayed when i was going downhill.

  now i subscribed wholeheartedly to the 'don't pray for bullshit requests' concept, so at first i rarely prayed.

  starting around middle school, 9/10 i prayed for friends. didn't really pray to stop the teasing, my fists did some of that and besides...racism isn't/wasn't jehovah's fault anyway and i can't pray for that to end when he allowed the witnesses to suffer in ww2.

  through high school, same issue and then when i started pioneering and hanging out with some of the other witnesses, those prayers prayers for friends intensified cuz they were asses.

  but they were dominated by the prayers to love god starting around 15. i didn't want to read the magazines, despite how much i love reading. didn't want to stdy the lessons, didn't want to plan my presentations, though i did enjoy giving the talks and crafting them. i like to argue as some of you have noticed :P i needed to love god so that i'd have the desire to do all that crap and it never came. i needed to love god because i sre as hell wasn't gonna make it through any tribulation in that state. you want me to take a bullet for a god i wouldn't even have a beer with? hmmmm

  even studied with an elder i was close with well after i got baptized, after i stopped pioneering even, and we'd talk and i'd try to understand love and how to love god. obviosly it didn't work cuz here i am lol.

  so god didn't help me to even love him. how many other prayers does god not listen to? when i fell out, a lot of my prayers were angry, hateful and they hurt. lot's of tears. i was falling apart and there were many times i begged god to prove himself, to tell me everythign i had done wasn't in vain. eventually that turned into, why even let me live? that went even darker and i'm kinda sad thinkin about that.

  maybe my prayers weren't answered because maybe god doesn't exist. i wish one did though and i'd wish he wasn't a dick hole like jehovah
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  TheClarinetist

  Congratulations... Though you may want to read up on the subject. There is a lot to read about the question of whether there is a God or not.
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  King Solomon

  Wow, just jumping in the deep end? Not agnostic, THEN atheist? You over-achiever, you!

  Well, you've got too much hatred against God to become an atheist right now: application denied!

  See, you're making a rookie mistake: you're hating something you claim to not believe in. Wrong: you first must not believe in God, and when you're more like, "meh", then we'll reconsider your application.

  Until then, you might consider wasting a couple years chasing slightly different flavors of the same BS, seeing if their version of God is any better (hint: they'd have to tear out the OT, and all those words where Jesus supports it in the NT), until you're ready to give up on them, too, and just say, "meh". :)
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  King Solomon

  PS when you're ready, though, we do have a baptism ceremony. Well, not really: it's just a hot-tub, and a few beers... Turns out that's all you really need....
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  cyberjesus

  Pray Jehovah to help you! Hurry
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  tootired2care

  If it's any consolation I had very similar experiences; it was always so confusing listening to those assembly parts and year book stories about how Jah answered this and did that; but never did for me or those I was close to. After many years of seeing my family and friends really put themselves out there to pioneer; and not being blessed as the yearbook always painted it out. Praying for a blessing to enable them to keep pioneering and not recieving it. One of my siblings actually had a complete mental breakdown over these things. Unfortunately she is still drinking the kool aid despite this, but it became quite obvious to me that this whole god delusion is just a sick joke.
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  NewChapter

  Hi Rather---

  I was never an agnostic. I went from believing to atheist pretty quickly---or so it seemed. It was actually a process I was going through without being fully aware. Some of my first questions were about the power of prayer. I did not think I was actually questioning the existence of a god at that point, but that is where it eventually led me.

  I remember sitting with the elders, a full believer, and telling them that I no longer understood prayer. That we were supposed to thank god for good things, not blame him for bad things, conclude he answered our prayers when things went our way, but not blame him if things did not go our way. It seemed every possiblity was covered, and regardless of the outcome, prayer worked. It just didn't make sense.

  So they would point out good things in my life and say it was evidence that god was listening and blessing me. But then I pointed out that many things I had were the same as others, whether they believed or not. Some of it was just good planning and decision making on my part---but I was not unusual. I knew many people who had made similar choices. And some of it was just that circumstances were good. Believers suffer and prosper according to circumstances, the same as nonbelievers.

  So where did prayer fit? They honestly did not have a good answer for me, and I was willing to accept their answer so it wasn't me just rejecting everything. I really wanted them to provide the answer, and I would have believed it and moved on. But they just could not. They never addressed it directly. That started a whole process that ended with me just realizing that there was no god.

  All the anger and hurt disappeared in that moment. God was not turning a blind ear to me. He wasn't favoring others over me. He was not just standing back and watching! He just wasn't there---and that certainly is not his fault---he does not exist. It was a huge relief.

  You cannot be angry or hurt by a nonexistent person. You are questioning things though, and so you are working it out. I don't know where you will end up.

  I am sending you a pm.

  NC
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  King Solomon

  "Congratulations... Though you may want to read up on the subject. There is a lot to read about the question of whether there is a God or not."

  I dunno: if you don't have doubts by Gen 3, and you're not really questioning by Gen 9, there's a problem...
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  NewChapter

  Sol! You are just not doing a good job recruiting new members! What is wrong with you? Rather is having a weak moment---is that not the time to swoop in ?

  JK Rather. Being ironic.
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  talesin

  I was the same! In my early 20s, I hated God, jehovah, whatever! Then, I looked at other religious beliefs, and I realized what I hated was the CONCEPT of god. A very logical, natural thing.

  Congratulations, you have arrived at a most wondrous turning point, early in life. Explore anything, everything -- the world is your oyster. Be a sponge, and soak up all the knowledge you crave.

  :))

  tal