Wheeeeeee!!!! Another month, another YPA article that I get to make fun of. Here's part 1 if you missed it, and if you enjoy this then there's even more mockery just a click over here
YOUNG PEOPLE ASK
What can I expect from marriage? PART 2
IN OUR PREVIOUS ISSUE, we considered some of the benefits and challenges you can expect from marriage.
Less “considered” and more “slammed our collective sense of identity in the car door 8 or 9 times before shoving it down the garbage disposal”
IN THIS ISSUE, we’ll discuss why you need to expect the unexpected.
NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
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Sorry, couldn’t help it.
Put a checkmark next to any boxes that apply, and then number those that you checked in the order of their importance to you.
I’m glad to see that the WTBTS expects Witness youths to be competent enough to not only place checkmarks in boxes, but number them as well. But shouldn’t they do some praying beforehand?
[ ] [ ] be physically attractive
[ ] [ ] make me feel good about myself
[ ] [ ] have the same goals that I have
[ ] [ ] enjoy the same type of recreation that I enjoy
Frankly, I expect my spouse not to murder me in my sleep, slice off my manhood and use it as a hood ornament. Everything else is gravy.
If you’re looking for a marriage mate, there’s nothing wrong with having the expectations noted on the previous page. 'Nothing wrong with having those expectations'. That’s what I told my teacher after she criticized my ambitions about expecting to be the dictator of a small, nuclear-capable third-world country by the time I was thirty. That didn’t work out either. Homeland Security wasn't very helpful either. You might even find someone who meets all of them. Kids, it’s also very possible that your only achievement will be that your life will serve as a warning to others.Realistically, though, over time people change — and so do circumstances. I’m stunned, stunned I tell you, at the kind of masterful insight these articles provide. In other news, there’s porn on the internet. That’s ok, I’ll wait while you check that out.
The bottom line: To make a success of marriage, you must expect the unexpected. Because NO ONE EXPECTS THE … Actually, the more I think about it – Kids, if you’re getting married, go ahead and expect the Spanish Inquisition.
The good news. Some unexpected aspects of marriage may come as a pleasant surprise. Like the fact that somebody else cleans the toilets now? Or that the toilets actually get cleaned?
“Now that we’re married, I see Maria’s* sense of humor in a way that I never fully appreciated while we were dating. Because we don’t take ourselves too seriously, even the problems we’ve encountered seem less significant.”
—Mark.
* Some names in this article have been changed.
Shortly after giving this quote, Maria replaced the hood ornament of her car with Mark’s manhood. When questioned by police, she was reported to have stated that “That rat-bastard husband of mine will sure as hell take me seriously now.”
The not-so-good news. Some unexpected aspects of marriage may be unpleasant. Like waking up in the morning. That one's still getting me.Consider an example.
Suppose you and your future spouse have a goal to do missionary work in a foreign land. But what if, after marriage, your mate develops a serious health problem that puts the goal out of reach? Doesn’t mean the “missionary work” is out of reach. Tiajuana here I come. For … um … bringing the work of the Lord to those spectacularly cheap houses of ill-repute. Yea. Realistically, that’s possible, as the Bible says that “bad things happen to everyone!” Protip: The likelihood of bad things happening increases exponentially whenever someone says “Hey, hold my beer and watch this!!” (Ecclesiastes 9:11, Holy Bible—Easy-to-Read Version) No doubt you’d be distressed over your mate’s condition Depends on whether you take that extra life insurance policy into account — and disappointed over not reaching your goal. Snark aside for a moment, because this is actually kind of sickening. Think about the scenario they just put forward and look at this last sentence. Your spouse develops a serious health problem, and disappointment about not doing missionary work is just as important as your “distress” over your spouses condition. I’m actually somewhat surprised that they didn’t recommend going ahead on the missionary work anyway. Assholes. If such an unexpected circumstance arose, however, you’d simply have to accept reality and adjust. After all, you married a person, not a goal. Unless you actually did marry a goal. I think that might be legal in California now.
The bottom line: As the Bible states, those who marry will have a measure of “tribulation.” (1 Corinthians 7:28) Finally we agree on something.Sometimes that tribulation comes from unexpected circumstances. Although I’m told it usually comes from trying to sleep through my snoring every god-forsaken night for the better part of a decade.
How can you prepare for the unexpected? If you get married, you’ll need two things. Vodka and Scotch. Don’t go to the altar without them.
WHAT YOUR PEERS SAY I recognize no peers, no equals, and no superiors
Sirvan —Sometimes people who date choose to overlook red flags about their prospective mate. Not true. I always saw the red flags. The sex was just too good. That line about ‘crazy in the head, crazy in the sack’ is very, very true.That’s dangerous. I’ll concede that, since one of those crazy chicks ended up slashing my tires and claiming she had my abortion. From then on I made sure to give my name as James Bowler (Jimmy Hat *wink*) and only went to their place. You could end up married and unhappy That's somewhat redundant and left with the feeling that the only way to be happy again is to divorce the person you once thought you couldn’t live without.
Kids, gather around the warm glow of the monitor and your uncle Jimmy is going to give you a priceless piece of wisdom that will help ensure that you remain happy, fulfilled, and wealthy. This is just for the guys, mind you. Don’t. Get. Married. “But Uncle Jimmy,” I hear you saying, “I don’t want to be alone, and it takes an act of congress to get a girlfriend, and an act of god – not to mention expensive dates – to get her to put out”. Here’s the secret. Don’t get married. Get a hooker. I’m not talking about a skank off the streetcorner, no, stick with a decent high class escort.
Stay with me here. People think you’re paying a hooker to have sex. That’s not true. You’re paying her to leave afterwards. Think about it – she’s guaranteed to put out, she’ll know how to do things to you that you’ll never experience with a girlfriend (unless she’s got serious, deep-seated daddy issues, and in that case see my previous comments), she’ll never call you an asshole because you forgot her birthday, and she won’t try to strip away the excellent bachelor life you’ve worked so hard to enjoy. Plus, you know exactly how much things are going to cost. None of this – “Honey, I had an awful day and maxed a credit card shoe shopping, hope you don’t mind” BS. Nope, it’s a flat cost. You can budget for that.
Danielle —Many people get married simply because they think it’s expected of them to marry by a certain age. That must be it. Couldn’t be the fact that they’re trapped in a viciously controlling religion that forces them to get married in order to get laid. I’m sure that doesn’t come into play at all. On the other hand, I’ve heard people say that there’s wisdom in waiting, since young people change in many ways. Even happily married people have said that they wished they had waited a little longer. I’m telling you. Wait on getting married and get a couple of excellent call girls in your little black book. You’ll be able to keep your bachelor pad free of doilies and little bowls of that potpourri stuff.
1. A REALISTIC OUTLOOK
No matter how compatible you and your future spouse may be, you should expect that
* you will not always agree on everything. Unless you state that you’re in the wrong. They’ll always agree with that.
* you will not always have the same priorities. Not true. My spouse and I make it a priority to stay the hell away from each other. It’s a relationship built on a complete lack of communication. Can’t have a fight when you’re at opposite ends of the house.
* you will not always enjoy the same activities. Activities most husbands enjoy? Sports, video games, and watching porn. Activities most wives enjoy? Making sure their husbands don’t enjoy those things.
* you will not always feel euphorically in love. That love haze lasts about two and a half weeks after the wedding. Then he starts leaving the toilet seat up and farting at the dinner table and she throws out his beer sign collection because it looks tacky. After that a marriage is pretty much 30 years of low-grade hostility occasionally punctuated by short periods of intense lust. For each other, if you’re doing it right.
Situations such as those listed above are common. But they will not ruin your marriage unless you let them!If you remembered the prenup it wouldn’t matter quite so much. Remember, the Bible says that love “endures all things” and “never fails.”—1 Corinthians 13:4, 7, 8. Remember, that was written by the apostle Paul, who was pretty much the grade-a, prime lord king of misogynists. I’d take anything he says about relationships with more than a grain of salt. I’d back the truck up, in fact.
Fact of life: In the end, it’s not the problems you encounter but how you deal with them that will make or break your marriage.—Colossians 3:13. I’m telling you, go the hooker route and you won’t have to worry about all this garbage.
2. A SENSE OF COMMITMENT
If you and your spouse are determined to stay together, come what may, you’ll be better able to weather the unexpected storms.—Matthew 19:6. I’ll agree with that - commitment in a marriage is important. Most successful marriages reach that magical point where each spouse is deeply committed to inflicting themselves on their partner. It’s that spot where each spouse realizes that any potential relief they might get from a divorce is overshadowed by the joy of making the other person suffer. That sort of mutual antagonism is what really lasts.
Some claim that commitment makes a marriage burdensome. No more so than tossing a lighter into a bonfire makes it hotter. Really, though, it does the opposite! Commitment gives your relationship stability. When the unexpected occurs, you and your spouse will look for solutions, not for the nearest exit. After awhile, even that evens out and one or the other of you will learn that it really is all your fault and you’ll go ahead and fix things without even needing the discussion. That’s when things get really stable.
To cultivate a spirit of commitment, you’ll need to think about marriage rationally rather than idealistically. You’re asking teens to think rationally? Really, who’s being the idealistic one here?To illustrate the difference, try the following exercise.
1. Imagine that you have a free airline ticket to travel anywhere in the world. Which destination would you choose, and why?
Destination: ………………………………………… Some small third-world country in need of a dictator.
Reason:
__scenery __culture
__climate __recreation __other Power, wealth, and my own private harem.
2. Imagine that your airline ticket is one-way and that your destination will be your permanent residence.
Now which destination—if any—would you choose?
Destination: ………………………………………… Some small third-world country in need of a dictator that has stable broadband internet. Even with a harem, I’m still expecting to be able to watch porn and play CounterStrike.
or
__I would stay where I am.
In the above exercise, your first and second destination choices probably differ. Even if they’re the same, likely you had to think differently about your second choice. Rather than imagine yourself as a vacationer who’s lounging on a beach or hiking in the mountains Not quite the image I had in mind. More Amsterdam red-light district without the worry of ending up in that “Hostel” movie, you had to think of yourself as a resident who is facing both the benefits and the challenges of daily life. True. Broadband internet and the endless stream of hardcore pornography that it brings me isn’t something I’d live without easily.
That’s how you need to think about marriage. What, the importance of porn in marriage? I can agree with that. After all, with the passing of time, circumstances may change. No doubt you and your spouse will too. Much of your success will depend on your ability to expect the unexpected and to deal with it when it arises. Not true. Much of your success in marriage will depend on you realizing that keeping the peace is more important than being right.
To think about: How well do you deal with unexpected situations in life right now, as a single person? When I was single and an unexpected situation came up, I just drank vodka at it till it left. So not much has changed.
WHY NOT ASK YOUR PARENTS?
What unexpected blessings and challenges did you face when you were newly married? How can I prepare for the unexpected if I get married? Here’s an idea that’s a lot more fun. Ask one of your parents why the other one was telling their friend that they’re only staying in the marriage for the kids. That should end up being popcorn-worthy entertainment.