Knowing the Real Truth about the "truth" when you're stuck inside...

by OneDayillBeFree 70 Replies latest jw experiences

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  OneDayillBeFree

  ...sucks. (Warning: this could get lengthy but I have to vent and I could really use some advice)

  I know TTATT and have known about it for almost 2 years, yet I'm still stuck inside. The thing is, I don't regret learning the real truth about this twisted religion, but I do regret the time in which I discovered it. Because, unlike many of you here who upon knowing TTATT that just got up and left, I'm stuck inside without much of a choice because I still live with my parents and I have absolutely NO ONE on the outside that I could go to if I ever left. Not only that but I don't even have my own vehicle, although one has been provided for me, but it is not something I can call my own, because it would be immediately taken if I decided to leave rendering me basically homeless. I'm not on my own yet and even though for the last year & 1/2 I've been saving and working hard to get independant, it just hasnt been enough.

  I got into a very bad argument with my parents last night after the meeting in which I almost spilled the beans as I said how sad and outright stupid the brothers at the hall AND the religion were for the non stop changes to their rules. They immediately began asking me if I doubted that this was god's chosen org and if I no longer believed it was the truth. I instantly realized what I had said and changed it so that it wouldnt sound offensive and everything went back to the way it was. But, after they had fallen asleep, I went outside during the night and just started crying. I hate to admit it but I considered just ending my life. At first I reasoned that my life had no point, no meaning.

  Living this way isnt living at all. I'm lying to myslef and to others, it's a horrible way to live. The organization makes me feel as if I'm the devil, or really mentally diseased. They make me feel like shit. But the truth is the complete opposite. I don't live what the org calls a double life. I mean I would love to but I simply can't because I don't even have any outside (real) friends to do anything with, nor do I have any JW friends for that matter. I dont do drugs, drink, smoke, or party. I am not a bad person, so why is there so much damn pain and sadness? I feel like just an empty, worthless waste of life.

  I figured there has to be an end to this, and there will be but I don't know when or how. That night made me consider my options. The first one is I stay stuck inside, keep faking and lying, pretending and smiling through my teeth at everyone while I die slowly inside. At the same time work my ass off, buy my own car, get my own place and move out on my own, and do the gradual fade I've talked about in the past.

  Or my second choice, just write my DA letter now, get my things ready and walk out the door. Completely free, instantly. But also homeless, carless, phoneless and practically jobless since I wouldnt be able to get to work without some form of transportation so also broke. I know for a fact that this is how it would go because my parents would in no way try to help me out at all, they barely do now. And my father is an elder who's in love with his position of power, authority and with the religion, so much that he would kick me out just to keep it.

  If I choose the first option in this case the more rational one, I do get to have a place to live and sleep, keep my job and stuff like that but I would have to endure all the JW customs and live by their beliefs and suffer other horrible things and some thoughts of suicide for who knows how long.

  If I choose the second, then it would be like a clean slate. I'd be free, there would be no more meetings and service or assemblies, something I only daydream about at said events. I'd be basically a new person with a new life but the first months or years would be extremely difficult as I'd be completely on my own. I'd have to go to some shelter in the city and live in a completely different environment.

  Now, I've been living the first option for almost 2 years now and it's been nothing but hell and sadly gotten me almost nowhere.

  I'm seriously considering the 2nd option now. I believe it would be worth it. But frankly, I'm afraid. I am scared. I've never done anything like this before and I'm unsure of how my life could end up.

  I must seem like such a hypocrite, and I must admit I know I am to some extent. Some of you here might think that I'm stupid for staying in or maybe cant see the point or the reason in me still living this life for so long. And I know.

  But I'm only asking for help or advice. And I'm serious about it. If it werent for me talking myself out of it, this would've been my last post saying my last goodbye's.

  I can't believe it has gotten this bad. I'm just in such a bad place in my life right now. I can't see the positive side of anything.

  I know by now you must think I'll never do anything since its been so long but if you have any advice or help or anything to say at all, please say it.

  If you made it this far, thank you. You are awesome!

  OneDayillBeFree
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  tornapart

  OneDayillBeFree, I really feel for you! As someone also stuck in with little chance of being able to break free I understand where you're coming from. That feeling of being trapped with no way out is consuming, in my own case is making me become very depressed. I'm in my later years and leaving a husband, children, grandchildren just isn't an option for me. I have my husband who I can talk to even though he doesn't understand, at least he hasn't kicked me out or ratted on me.

  I guess you are young as you're still with parents. Could you find a friend to stay with until you get a job and find a place of your own? Talk to your friends outside if you have any. Failing that, is there some kind of counsellor you could go to, to give you some advice. The son of a friend of mine orchestrated his escape for months before he went, no one had a clue how he really felt. But he made sure he had everything in place before he left. Of course it came as a shock to his family and they couldn't understand why he never spoke of it. As far as I know he's doing well. If you feel like killing yourself if you stay then that's reason enough to go as soon as you can but if you do, don't leave everything to chance. Make sure you have somewhere to go and make sure you have some way to earn some money. If you are able to continue in this farce then carry on until you've saved enough to enable you to get away.

  I really really hope it all works out for you!
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  Giordano

  It seems impossible now but you can make changes. Your option #1 maintain the status quo won't work unless your taking charge of some parts of your life. Use your family auto to job hunt, go on interviews look into a shelter, visit some trade schools. You can get a lot of information over the phone and the internet.

  Any relatives or friends (more liberal witnesses even)you could stay with who live in an area that has mass transportation and more job opportunites?

  Have you looked into a community college or trade school? If you could work for a community college you might be able to attend some classes or live in a dorm.

  Buy a cheap phone and some pay as you go minutes that way people can

  contact you.

  You need to turn pro active
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  mickeyman1

  Hi OneDayillBeFree

  Its very difficult to make choice, I think nobady knows what is the best choice in your case.

  So here are some humble advices from me:

  1. Dont be too hurry to leave, and think over every your decision without feelings.

  2. Dont play their game ( feeling as mentally diseased, evil, bad, etc ) WBTS want this. You must be amazing if you found out their lies. Its not easy.

  3. Find real friends somewhere out, find hobby or sport where you can find friends, and even better find some ex to become your friends.

  4. Move out and then leave when you are ready or dont leave just become inactive, definitely go step by step.

  I wish you all the best and good luck!
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  leavingwt

  Leaving is not easy, but I'm confident that one year after your exit you'll view it as the best thing you ever did.

  So long as the roof over your head is being provided by JWs, you'll want to dance to their tune, however.
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  finally awake

  How old are you? If you are still a minor, you could probably get into foster care or a group home if your parents toss you out. You need to find a social worker or domestic abuse couselor to help you plan an exit. They will know what resources are available. If you are comfortable revealing your location, someone on here might know of a place you could go.
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  OnTheWayOut

  Hey, sorry to hear that you are left with little choice. Please don't just walk out with nothing.

  As a young person, it seems like a lifetime to suffer another year or so through rough circumstances. You want to end the madness and find what you are looking for now. But in the long run, you will be better off carefully planning and suffering while doing so.

  To pass the time, you can start slacking off in your Witness stuff. Don't read the stuff you are supposed to read. Try to blow off the door-to-door work and when you can't, do a lousy job. Say something like "We are leaving the Watchtower and Awake magazines with householders, here's a copy for you." Write down the address wrong or forget to write it down, don't have any return visits. I may have missed it, did you ever stop pioneering? If you are not pioneering, turn in times of 1 or 2 hours, say you placed "Zero" of everything. If you are pioneering, do the same. Say your head was totally out of sorts to be knocking on doors.

  Forget your tie or your jacket when you go to the hall. Forget your books next time. Try to be late when you can. Get caught staring at the pretty women when you are there, not like a pervert- just let your mind and your eyes drift away from paying attention. Daydream when you are supposed to be handling a microphone until someone has to bring you back.

  Basically, establish that your mind is elsewhere. It seems like a terrible thing to do, but it might get you through your time better than wanting to run out the door screaming.

  Having a car seems important to you. A car is not a thing to live in. Don't do anything rash unless you can afford a place to live. After you have a wee bit of money saved up, you can probably afford to be a roommate. It's okay to rent with a stranger. But even better to have a tiny place without a roommate. Could you move to where the jobs are and skip the car for now?

  Anyway, a roof over your head and clean laundry and food in the fridge are worth quite a bit. If you simply cannot hang on, life will get pretty rough for awhile.

  If you absolutely cannot continue, then try to still stay at home as you cease JW activity. Tell Dad you will do your best to get out when you can. The thing is, working toward a goal that lets you leave on your own terms might actually allow you to salvage some relationship with some family.

  Whatever happened with Mom thinking you should go to college? Is that out now? Is Mom someone you could even begin to confide in before doing any life-changing things? Plan before you leap.
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  wannabefree

  I was wondering about your mom too ... you should find subtle ways to bring up the subject of college, draw her out, you said she was depressed, do you know what is behind that? can you get her talking? ... your parents weren't "raised in the Truth", can you get a hold of the book Releasing the Bonds by Steve Hassan, it might prove helpful in helping your parents wake up

  What about the girlfriend that you reattached with?

  What about the job that you had your first Thanksgiving with coworkers?

  Do you have grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins who are not Witnesses?

  You know the truth about The Truth, you are young, get your strategy together, you can do this.
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  jgnat

  About revealing your location, giving your State is enough to help us find you links.

  Does it help to say it does get better and this is indeed survivable?

  I think you need some friends. Perhaps at your place of work. Start with a joke or something, a shared thought.

  I like the idea of getting your own inexpensive phone with buyable minutes. Independence, buddy!

  How about speaking about your situation with a school counsellor? You might luck out and get one who understands.

  About not feeling trapped at the Kingdom Hall. I attend on occassion with my JW husband, so I have become adept at feeding my individuality while in the meeting. Hubby is starting to catch on but he realizes there's not much he can do about it. My mind is my own. An absolute essential is a blank notebook and a sharp pencil. I am at the point where I can barely take in what the speaker is saying. I am busy writing my own thoughts; perhaps building my dream home, writing the opening paragraphs of a short story, whatever. This last time, LOL, hubby asked me to please stop writing until the meeting started.

  One of my great lessons in life is that oppressors no longer oppress when I stand tall. I laugh in the face of danger. Ha! Ha!

  (You probably don't know who the artist is, do you? I feel so old...)
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  blindnomore

  I feel for you. I still attend the meetings for different reason. I don't think I can do this much longer. It effects my health. The Kingdom Hall is so toxic.

  Plan rationally. Tackfully approach to your parents and may ask: "Mom and Dad, you know I've thinking, in order to better equip to support myself while reaching out for full time pioneering, I need to have better job. I would like to take job training(Watchtower stance on this and up to 2 year college schooling are acceptable) or attend a trade school or look into job corp. I need your help." You can find the school that is out of town that offers a dorm. You can do this with or without your parents' support. Approach to your parents about the plan to see their response. Plan accordingly. It will be easiler for you with their support but...... Joining the military is another option.

  Where do you live? We have an extra room. We have a job corp and colleges near by our home. I want you to know you have an option. Cheer up!