The whole guilt and forgiveness issue shoved itself right up my nose into my forebrain. All the good memories are so tainted by the nasty ones that strolling down memory lane with my siblings is an exercise I confess I find to be a bit strenuous.
reminded me of a speaker at a 12 step program whose abusive husband finally died. She expressed forgiveness for his mistreatment by accepting that he loved them the only way he knew how. Not that he was righteous but she needed to accept and forgive him so she could stop living in reaction to the abuse. After all he was gone and you can’t change the past or other people.
It must be difficult to greave with unresolved feeling. I know when my father dies I will be in a similar place. There’s no chance of reconciliation with my father while he's alive.
Crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I'm not into a great deal of forgiveness for my parents - but I think it's in the realm of personal choice or necessity. I hope you find peace.
Someone on the WomBAT email list lost an abusive parent a few weeks back, and couldn't figure out why she was grieving. Further discussion teased out the idea that she grieved for what might have been. Don't know if that makes sense or not. -Gently Feral.
I can understand the thought of grieving for what could have been, what should have been. And to acknowledge it, and then try to get on, because it just wasn't so.
Again, I hope you find peace. For whatever it's worth, your father has.
Hello, I am sorry to hear of your loss. whenever one loses a parent it is a strange feeling of being cast adrift without that stabilizing person to fall back on .
I gather that you had a hard time growing up and you question "forgiveness". But there is no compulsion to forgive unless there is a good reason to do so, Surely it is possible to , miss him, and still accept what he was.
When my father died a couple of years ago I went through the same kind of mixed emotions. I had a lot of anger and had some grieving to do. The result wound up being that I gave his eulogy which was honest but appropriate and had a second one for the anger. Both needed to be expressed.
My only resloution on the forgiveness thing was that forgiveness was in the hands of God
Both eulogies can be read on my web page along with a few other thoughts on him during the time of his death. If it might help fell free to go and read them when you are up to it
Take care of yourself. You feel what you feel. Allow it and find healthy way to express it
Rejoice in the healing and not in the pain. Rejoice in the challenge overcome and not in the past hurts. Rejoice in the present - full of love and joy. Rejoice in the future for it is filled with new horizons yet to be explored. - Lee Marsh 2002
My thoughts and prayers are with you. My very abusive father died 4 years ago and I am still struggling with the idea of forgiving him. It is easier to forgive mistakes, but abuse is planned and that makes it much harder.
My best advise (take it for what you are paying for it!) is to take good care of yourself. First think about you, what do you need to heal your pain. If forgiveness comes, that is fine, but if not, keep working on you.
