by Abaddon 35 Replies latest social relationships
At what age would you be happy with your kid's boyfriend and girlfriend 'sleeping over'?
Would the rules be different for boys vs. girls?
Personally, I think given a choice between 'it' happening anyway god-knows-where and giving a suitably mature kid some privacy, I go for the privacy option.
What do you think?
Well abbadon looks like your stuck with me.
Funny you just happened to post something that has just recently become an issue in my home. I was going to post the question myself and then ducked out. I'm sure more folks then this have teen issues.
My youngest is 17. Boy. Up until about a month ago I would have said No it wouldn't or shouldn't matter or make a difference boy Or girl. There both teens. That's what matters. I would have defended that opinion without budging a bit.
I can't say that anymore since he recently snuck his girl friend in late one night after a date. I got up around 4 a.m. went in the kitchen to make coffee and heard, what I thought was my son coming out of his room and go into the bathroom and take a shower. This is totally out of character for him. Ok whatever I poured my coffee and sat down at the computer. The bath room door opened I was expecting my "kid" to come in the Kitchen instead I hear a very feminine voice calling from the bathroom to my son,"I need a towel." This was my face. . My son was still sleeping, so I grabbed a robe and knocked on the bathroom door, she opened the door and I said "How bout this will it do?" She took the robe said thank you and shut the door. It has been weird around here lately To say the least. I had no time at all to even think about this or prepare for it. totally BLEW my mind. Not only am I not yelling about it but I'm giving the little **** a ride home. Well, The first thing that went through my head was what should I do about "her" parents. Should I call them and tell them? should I just stay out of that side of it and tell her she can't sleep hear ever again.AAAAHHHHhhhhhhhh.
I didn't say a word to her and instead waited until I could talk to my son in private about it first.
So when were alone I tell him "We have to talk." I can't believe how kaysarasara his attitude is. So I ask him "What the hell are you doing!" "Have you lost your mind!"
You know the usual parent stuff. He laughs. Then says "Ok,... I know what it must look like." Me looking really amazed mouth wide open.
He tells me there is absolutely Nothing going on between them. And thought it was funny that I would even think that. So I ask What am I not getting here? He say's "Just trust me Mom" "Honest were not doing anything, It's perfectly innocent." I asked if that what she is telling her Mom and dad about now? "Oh her Mom knows" "We called her and told her she was going to come home and stay at my place for the night instead of driving all the way back to her house." Ok I accept that and let it drop. Since then she has stayed over every week end.
The story was (when this first started) that she is gay and has a girl friend and the reason she didn't want to go home on the week ends was because her Mom won't allow her girl friend in her house. So they come over to my house and party.
OK fine.
New Light is now shedding. She just spent three days at my place and not once did her girl friend come over. I don't think she is gay any more or at least not this week end. .
Dilemma. So What would you do at this point?
"I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memorystyx
Some happy,some sad"
Plmkrzy,
New Light is now shedding. She just spent three days at my place and not once did her girl friend come over. I don't think she is gay any more or at least not this week endSorry, but I was LOL when I read that! I would say, um, that you're probably right; go with your gut on this one
As for your question, Abaddon, my kids are still young yet and geez, I hate thinking about stuff like this! But I'll tell you what my current thoughts are.
I don't want my kids growing up and leaping into marriage with someone they aren't compatible with, in every way. I fully intend to encourage them to spend a LOT of time with whomever they get attached to, inside and outside of the bedroom. Personally, when my kids are old enough (read 30 or thereabouts ), I won't have a problem with them having a bf/gr sleep over. Ok, it will make me uncomfortable, yes, but I'd rather have them where I know they are safe and where I can somewhat monitor the relationship. For me, premarital sex is not a moral issue anymore; my kids having the best chance at a happy life and relationship is the priority.
And please don't tell anyone in my feminism class that I said this, but I think it's going to be just a bit harder for me with my daughter than with my son!! I know, I know, a huge double standard. What can I say?? I'm working on it!
That said, I hope that I can maintain open communication with my kids and instill in them the value of monogamy within a relationship, respect for themselves and others, and the concept of SAFE SEX!!! I'm not saying that I will endorse my kids hopping in and out of bed with multiple partners as I don't think that's a healthy behavior at all. But open, frank discussion about their feelings and needs and a safe environment for them to explore their burgeoning feelings, sexual and otherwise, is what I hope to provide my children.
Dana
Well, this isn't an issue I have had to deal with yet; it is something my gf and I have discussed in that 'what-if' kind of way; I have daughters by a previous marriage, and although they live with their mum, it might not always be that way.
Personally, if a kid is of age (say 16+), then I think it is by far the best thing if they can do what they are going to do somewhere nice. If they've reached that point, then if they can't do it somewhere nice, they will follow generations of teenagers and do it where they can.
That is my pragmatic, intellectual side speaking.
Emotionally speaking, if, in three tears time, my daughter was living with me and had a boyfriend she wanted to stay over... well, she'd be 14 and I think that's too young. I hope I'd be able to make her see it would be best to wait. I hope I would avoid chasing her boyfriend (or girlfriend) down the road with a baseball bat.
If I couldn't get her to wait, well... I'd rather she be honest and use her bed even if I disagreed, than be dishonest to please me or get off the hook, and I'd make it clear that was my opinion.
As regards your situation... well, I'd just say "Look, I'd far rather you be honest with me than spin a tall story to pull the wool over my eyes so you can do what you want. Your honesty is far more important to me than you blindly obeying everything I say, or trying to make me think you blindly obey what I say." It does sound a little unlikely, but truth hides in the stranngest places, so don't make assumptions! And realise that you're probably dealing with the stable door, rather than the horse. And, given the assumption it's gonna happen anyway, decide if you can overcome whatever discomfort you have over the issue in order to keep the relationship with your som as open and honest as possible.
I like your cheetah, by-the-way...
As much as I hate to even think about it, I guess I'd have to be at least as lenient as my parents and just "act calmly" about it. Of course, I was already 18, still living at home, but the idea was still awkward at first. My boyfriend (now husband) would come to my place after work and we'd sleep in my basement bedroom and just try to be really quiet when we had sex.
Still, the roar of the washing machine and dryer door slamming in the morning was my mom's reminder that we weren't in our own house just yet and that going at it like rabbits wasn't always appreciated!
Ahh, yeah, I can WAIT for my daughter to get that age.
Oops, forgot to seriously answer the "what age" question:
I'm hoping, HOPING it doesn't arise before the age of 17! Perhaps this is an unrealistic hope, but I intend to encourage them STRONGLY to wait. I'd be happier if it could be even older than that, as I don't really think they'll be emotionally ready before then (if then), but I also know how strong those feelings can be.
Dana
Plmkrzy, you are in major need of a clue. Run, do not walk, to the nearest clue store and stock up. Take your credit card, cash won't cover this shortage.
COMF
PS I would suggest that you sit down alone some time and define for yourself just what your house rules are. Get them right in your own mind. Then enforce them without hesitation.
Abaddon
Thats pretty much the way I have tried to look at it and keep an open line of communication with my kids. I was raised in a very strict house Not allowed to date till I turned 16, not a problem but when I turned 16 then suddenly I could only date "chosen" ones. Ha. Very old fashoned. The boy had to ask permission formal permission from my father. then when my dad said ok the condition was that we double date for awhile and his friend had to get a hair cut. Ya right. Nightmare city. I knew what that did for me and I didn't want my kids growing up feeling like they need to sneek off somewhere. Nope. It's still hard to adjust though when the time is suddenly in your lap.
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COMF
""Plmkrzy, you are in major need of a clue. Run, do not walk, to the nearest clue store and stock up. Take your credit card, cash won't cover this shortage.""
You are too funny. LOL
The fact of the matter is not even YOU would be able to stop it from happening except maybe in your dreams.
I would rather know my kids are safe. and being as wise as possible.
Of course she isn't gay. I'm not stupid. I'm also not going to get histerical about it.
I was not having a problem recognizing what was going on I was having a problem with my "CONCIENSE" But I think I'm handeling the situation just fine. Unfortunately though if you are raising teen agers they will probably be doing it in the back seat of a car unprotected. Maybe You would like to borrow my credit card?
Left out the S
plmcrzy,
Sounds like a good situation but you can limit how much it happens. You should make sure they are aware of contraception.
TimB
