It was another elder from my judicial committee, came up to me after I'd strapped my daughter into the car. Two things that struck me as different were (1) he didn't feel a need to bring a second elder along with him as if something that required two witnesses was going to be said by someone who'd been DF'd for two years and 99.9% absent from meetings as well, and (2) he actually seemed genuinely friendly. He simply asked if I was planning to come to the meetings again anytime soon. I told him, honestly, no.
But you know, it always does something to me emotionally when they seem warm and friendly. It reminds me that these aren't people who in themselves are evil or 'the bad guys'. They're just as much an unwitting part of the big con as I once was. It makes it hard to say no to someone like that--and I guess being a born-in I generally find it hard to say no to people even when I'm getting screwed royally. It reminds me of the fact that I do have a family in this, and I am missing the big piece of my marriage by not being there with them. Overseeing their training more directly could in theory open opportunities to be more able to guide them away from all this. In theory. But considering my wife's level of paranoia, it's unlikely I could accomplish anything other than getting ratted out again. And generating unnecessary stress. So it's not like I would ever seriously consider going back again, no matter how nice any one individual is. When I see how 'nice' this religion helped my wife to be, it shows me I have nothing to gain from them.
Of course, the thought that immediately came to mind after I'd gotten in my car and gotten off the parking lot was...this is how abusers work. They want to keep you off-balance emotionally. Highs and lows short-circuit rational thinking. It's quite possible this elder was one who might even have wanted to give me a second chance during the committee but the chairman shouted 'em all down. Even so, whether he's the genuine article in terms of what a JW elder can/should be, it doesn't matter. What's printed in the literature each month is a fresh reminder for me that there is simply no redemption for an organization this thoroughly self-deluded. There's no hope it will become kinder and gentler, as it exists only to feed and serve itself and squeeze whatever it can get out of its members.
I think it's far less upsetting than the previous encounter, simply because that chairman seems almost like he's out to prove a point or something. He doesn't seem to approach me as an equal or as a man, more as a lord of sorts himself. There's just something about him that seems not quite right to me. It's a sort of arrogance that he seems to exude. I may be wrong, may be totally misreading it, but there's something I don't like there. It's like that one bad guy in the end battle who starts shoving everybody aside to get to you, if you know what I mean? I don't know.
Didn't really need to vent about it this time, just thought it was worth mentioning since I started talking about myself again lately. I do wonder when the Mrs. is going to find out about sd-7. I suppose it'll probably nuke our marriage if she ever does. I've said some pretty bad things about her in the past, that I would rather have kept to myself in hindsight. Well, it could be for the best anyway if that were to happen, sad as it is to say that. I've often wondered if anyone I know actually knows I'm on here, but none so far have brought it to my attention. I imagine things would get pretty ugly if they knew. At this point, though, how much more ugly can there be? The bombs dropped years ago, the madness is over now. As long as I don't strike the match, the flames won't get too hot and might even die off on their own, who knows? Ha!
Well, enough rambling. Until next time...
--sd-7