when you left, did you feel the need to start your life over? how did you go about reconciling who you were with how you feel now?
better yet, for those born/raised in, how did that transition affect you and are you ok with who you used to be?
starting fresh
by rather be in hades 18 Replies latest jw friends
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Honeybucket
I am not born and raised, but I am transition so slowly no one will ever notice. I have been in and out since 2 since age 15. Married a couple years ago to a watchtower block head that wont think for himself. Better yet, the society told him, dont get a education, Be happy with making min. wage, that way you cant afford to leave the organization. I think its funny that considering how much this headship arrangement is stressed, my hubby had to move us into his mothers house because he cant afford to support us. Yep, she pays for our food, internet, ect. We dont get along, she would love to kick me out but if she did Im sure her cherished baby boy would get "marked" because he cant fullfill his role as a headship. As for me, I stopped my life, and my education because I was told I needed to focus on the things at hand. How I am transitioning is stopping meeting attendance, I only if a to good friend asks. I am not in their "cool witness club", So none of them even come and try to encourage me. I am keeping close contact with my imediate family who are not witnesses, they are great for support. I only go out in field service when begged. If people ask me quetions about where Ive been, what Ive been up to, I just smile and stare at them. Im sure they think I am touched. I NEVER NEVER NEVER divulge ANYTHING about myself, what I do, where I go. They love talking about others, so if they dont know they wont talk. I dropped my cell plan and got a prepaid. Gave my number to a select few, if they gave that number out I get a new prepaid and they dont get the new number. I am educating myself on who the watchtower really is. I stopped reading the publications since thats where the subliminal messages mainly lay. If I owe anyone money, I work on paying them back very promptly. At some point all ties need to be severed, you dont want any loose ones hanging. I am also getting therapy. Having that 3rd party helps keep things in persective.Like I said, I am doing this very slowly. Since I live with my mother in law, I am pretty much at her mercy. I am building my case against the WT society, then I am going to show my hubby. He may be a severe tool, but I still love him. I am hoping that with enough evidense he will see how it really is. I find it so odd that these people will deny up and down things that are factual. Like the UN issue. Then they say your just like those people standing outside of conventions picketing. If you dont believe what they believe they make you feel like shit. They dont see the bigger picture, even if its staring them in the face. I hope transitioning is better for you than me, keep us updated
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whathappened
I made the transition one step at a time. Don't go crazy...just do what you are comfortable doing. We have to learn to lighten up and to accept that there are many wonderful loving people on the outside.
I feel angry still about the years wasted, serving a publishing house. I don't know that I will ever get over it. I could kick myself for being so stupid, staying in the cult and raising my child that way.
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fakesmile
i am almost over the transition after several years. i was born in. if it twernt for this site i would be in a worse place. i now realize that i was a self rightious prick. i am not ok with what i was and wish i knew where to start apologizing.
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rather be in hades
there's many times i feel i'll never be happy because of the hole the jws left me in.
then i feel so much guilt for being raised in a cult that i often step back and think to myself, "wow...wtf is wrong with me? i was in a cult."
i never liked the idea of paradise forever on earth, at least not without my non-believing grandparents. or my non-beliebing best friend. there's a large part of me that's ashamed i was too cowardly to turn my back on a god who would destroy good people.
i feel all sorts of guilt and shame for being raised in a cult.
there were so many things i didn't like, or want to believe, but was too afraid to leave. i dunno why. if i'm totally honest with myself, i don't think it was the nature of the pictures. i think i earnestly believed it would happen. all of it. the great tribulation, there'd be no religions, we'd be attacked...that's the kind of nonsense i always heard. i dunno if it was the same for the rest of you.
i can't believe i believed that stuff. what was wrong with me?
at some point, 10, 12, 15...why didn't i question myself? especially when i had so many internal conflicts as it was? i wanted to be like everyone else. i didn't want to go to meetings, i never loved god, i never loved jesus, i never wanted to pray and usually pretended to pray instead of actually doing it. which is rather silly when you think about it. i was already there, not saying anything with my eyes closed and head bowed. dreaming about star wars.
the internal conflicts were so awful. i had no desire to be a jw, but i felt it was the right thing to do. it was the troof.
there's times i feel so much shame over all of this. does anyone else?
i was in a cult, what normal person would want to be around me?
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oldlightnewshite
RBIH,
You just described how I feel/felt growing up as a Dub. For me the transition took a while, and I can't honestly say I'm okay with things. I am deeply ashamed of the person I was, and the (ugh) new personality that I had.
A friend of mine suggested to me that the fact that I was in a cult means that I must have a very weak mind. While I can squirm over that 'til the cows come home, I like to be reminded of the people that I know that are still 'in', but who have very strong personalities. The very fact that we are here and prepared to discuss what dumbasses we were suggests that we have more strength and moral fibre than we give ourselves credit.
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Billy the Ex-Bethelite
rbiHades,
I recognize those feelings. Once I learned TTATT, it was years of mental struggle, questioning, anguish, and "what the heck do I do now?"
Since I'm single, no kids, I have had a lot more freedom than most here, and have been able to "start fresh." Yes, I'm not exactly a spring chicken, but I'm older and wiser. With counselling, I don't torture myself with all the "what ifs" much anymore. I can't change the past, but I can change the future. And hurray for things like Pell Grants, Stafford Loans, and scholarships! The future is looking pretty good to me.
So yeah, there's things I wish I could change. But things are busy and fun enough now that the past really doesn't bother me that much.
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Phizzy
I was born in, and was never a self righteous JW, I was too conscious of my sinful nature, lack of faith etc etc to feel superior to those who were not JW's, and I always felt I was a "lesser one" as a JW, I simply could not make myself be a 100% JW, or anything near.
I think because of that I was able to slough off the JW skin very quickly, what there was of it. Yes, there are some aspects of what I was that make me cringe when I remember, but I was in a mind-controlling cult from birth.
Starting fresh is still something of a work in progress, I really don't know what I am aiming for exactly.
I do think that for all the exit is first of all physical, you don't go anymore, but then spiritual, and probably the longer you were in the longer that journey takes, and you need to be a certain distance along that road before you really are "starting fresh".
I wish a happy outcome to all making the trip away from the evil cult that is the WT/JW's.
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Red Piller
We shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed. I keep remining myself that it was me (born-in kid) versus a billion dollar corporation. Not a fair contest.
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perfect1
First I annihilated all sense of right and wrong to in order to live my life. Over time, I found my own internal ethics, which arent so radical after all.
That doesnt mean I didnt experience severe anxiety at my first real Thanksgiving.
Sexual escapades help. People are not so scary.