NON JW ENGAGED TO A JW

by Cj 18 Replies latest social relationships

mommy

Hello CJ,
Welcome to the forum. I feel maybe your issues go above and beyond just the JW faith. Who is this friend who almost kissed you? Are you sure you didn't want to kiss him back? I am not asking this to be rude. I am asking because you are committed to marry someone else.
Don't get me wrong please I say this with only your feelings in mind:)But in my heart I love my husband, I would NEVER even think of kissing or being romantically involved with anyone else. i knew from almost day one that no matter what we would be together.
I have quoted this before and will say again. Love bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things, love NEVER fails.
I am with Simon on this one
I think love can overcome anything though

I say stay engaged for awhile, learn everything there is about each other, before you commit to a lifetime of uncertainty.
Just wanted to add my thoughts here:) Good fortune in your quest:)
wendy
Edited by - MOMMY on 28 January 2001 4:37:6
Edited by - MOMMY on 28 January 2001 4:38:22
Latte

Cj
What does your fiance think? How commited is he to the JW's?
I take it that he too has the same concerns as yourself.
The advice given to you is sad to say, quite accurate. It is important as to what your fiance thinks. As if he shares some of your doubts over beliefs you relationship will be easier.
All I can say is that I do understand your situaton.
I wish you happiness
Latte
thinkers wife

Cj,
I'm with mommy on this one. Could it be that you need to sort your feelings out with this other person? Even if you don't need too, it sounds like he does and crying on his shoulder might not be a good idea for him.
I too love my husband deeply and even if an opportunity presented itself, kissing someone else would be out of the question.
I was married before, and the love wasn't there and a similiar issue came up and kissing someone else didn't seem like as big an issue as it does with my current husband. The difference was the level of love we share. Give this very careful thought and attention. Examine all of your feelings and needs and make sure your fiancee is going to fill them. This is of paramount importance. It is what will make your love grow and survive. Be honest with yourself. It is your life and you want it to be happy and content.
TW
Edited by - thinkers wife on 28 January 2001 6:21:46
Cj

My fiance and I had discussed religion a long time ago...We had agreed that we could be Christians without having a specific religion.I don't agree with some aspects of the Catholic faith and he doesn't agree with some of the JW beliefs.From the beginning he knew I was Catholic but we never discussed his religion.He only told me about the way he was raised after we became seriously involved..he knew I would be intimidated by his beliefs.He knew that our religions would clash..It wasn't supposed to be an issue.He had chosen to do as I do,have a personal relationship with God without "belonging" to anything.His mother is terminally ill and I feel that his rekindled relationship with the way he was raised is because of this.I know it would mean the world to her if he were a devout JW.I partly believe that he is asking me to learn the JW ways for her sake.He hasn't said that he wants to go to Kingdom Hall or that he wants me and our future children to be JW's,so I take that as a good thing..{a very good thing!}>
As for my friend wanting to kiss me...I was crying and upset and was cuddled up into him,hugging.I was talking to him about how much I love my fiance and how scared I am that I will lose him to JW.I can't compete with Jehovah!! I saw that my friend was about to kiss me and for a second I almost let him..because I was distraught.Within that split second I turned my face to the side and kissed his cheek and told him that I love my fiance.He was trying to hide it but I knew that he was upset.
My heart belongs to my fiance 100%.I could never love anybody else..EVER.If I lose him,I'll lose a huge part of me..If there is such thing as soul mates,he's mine!! I love him so much that it hurts...literally...We have so many obstacles to overcome.Once we get past the religion issue and the fact that his parents hate me {my beliefs}...we'll be halfway there.My father doesn't know about my relationship with my fiance.I live at home with my father and if he finds out,I may very well get "evicted".I am very much white and my fiance is very much black....my father is very much racist...that is to say that he has a horrible thing to say about everyone that isn't white!! I know this all seems like so much to get past.But we are in love..I don't remember what life was like before I fell in love,I don't even want to have to face a life without him in it.
Anyhow,I'm talking toooo much...forgive the rambling..its 6 22 am here..another sleepless night!!!
mommy

CJ,
I gotta say it. I have been there. I have been in a relationship the whole world was against us, but we would stick it out! No matter what the love I feel and the pain is PROOF we were meant to be.
Guess what I can't remember their names anymore(I do really but not the point)
I have a love now I have my soul mate I have peace in my heart and no upset. That is what I wish for you:) No life is not rosey ALL the time. But it is easier than before,everything falls into place with this one.(relationship)
Look closely to what your heart says. Listen to it. Believe it or not REAL love is easy:) So easy because you don't have any questions, everything falls into place.
If this is the kinda love you have well you should have NO doubt:) God bless you
wendy
Cj

Thanks,Wendy.I do understand/relate to what you are saying.I have to say though...I have no doubts of my love for him or of his love for me...All I question is how much interference our parents will cause.There has to be a way for him to marry me and have his parents "accept" me.A way for his beliefs and my beliefs to co-exist.He can go to Kingdom Hall if he wishes but I will not allow mychildren to go there,until they are old enough to form their own conclusions{12+}.We had talked about not raising our children under a specific faith..Just that they would be Christian.When they were old enough we'd give them the information and let them choose what was right for them.....I know its farfetched to hope that his parents will accept me as a Christian rather than a JW..I can't understand how a religion that is supposed to be Christian can be so hateful/discriminating...Aren't we all "brothers and sisters" under one God? We were all made by the same Creator whether we call Him God,Jehovah,the Lord.....I was raised to treat everyone equally,not to pass judgement because only God has the right to judge us.. v
waiting

cj,
May I ask what state/country you live in? Imho, your best option with your fiance would be to move far away from both of your families - to a city where racism is very low level. I'm from midwest originally, now the south. This type of counsel has been long given to people in non-traditional love situations. People who go against the lowness of racism have a hard time. People who interfaith marry in a fundamental/cult type religion are going to have a hard time. Marriage is hard enough.
Perhaps the idea of making it no harder than necessary? You wouldn't believe the difference in being in love and being in love and living with another person - every long day.
If his parents & family are true believer jw's - they probably will never accept you. They may learn to tolerate you, but that's about it. The same for your father to your fiance. But it may take years.
Your children will be involved on both fronts. The idea of not exposing your children to enforced jw beliefs will not be easily possible if your husband goes to meetings with them. If he does not take them with him, he will be questioned why he's not behaving as the head of the house as his christian beliefs demand. He will be counseled it's his christian duty to get those children to the meetings, out in door-to-door service, him studying jw literature with your children at home. No holidays will be allowed. He has been taught his & his children's lives depend on his doing these things.
I'm sorry to sound so negative, particularily about the children. But it's the truth. If your husband stays low-key in the faith, the main problem will be his parents. Grandparents can be such a pain if they slander you to your own children. And there's nothing you can do about it if they have access to your kids. And they should see your kids - they are the grandparents.
This is a key problem - everything in a jw's life in intertwined with his faith and jw doctrine. Everything.
waiting
Edited by - waiting on 28 January 2001 8:40:7
Cj

I suppose there is something I should mention about my relationahip with my fiance..it is long distance right now...until we work through everything that has to be dealt with we will remain separated by many miles...I am in Ontario,Canada and he is in Atlanta,Georgia....I know that our relationship has an abundance of difficulties/obstacles..but we really do love one another...They do say that love conquers all..I wrote my fiance a long letter today telling him how I am feeling and what I am sorting through..{I express myself best on paper}.I told him that I love him with all my heart and that there is nothing I wouldn't do for him...then I told him that I have read of his beliefs and am not ready to accept them all.He'll answer the letter with a letter within the next two weeks,I'm kind of worried that I might have crossed a fine line by asking him to change his mind about going back to being an active JW..{he hasn't said that directly but in a roundabout way he has implied that he is seriously considering it}.I love him more than words can say....truly...We have talked of living in upper New York state because it's close to my family and he has a few job offers up that way...Personally all I want is for him to not be an active JW..He can pray to Jehovah while I pray to God...that can be done out of a congregational setting...I can live with his parents hating me,I can live with my father shunning us...as long as we have each other and our love,we can make it and be happy...
waiting

Man, it just gets better and better!
You're a yankee!!!!!! And he's a good ol' Southern Boy. I'm living in South Carolina, originally from Indiana. I never knew I was "one of those yankees" till I moved down here. They were being polite, when I got down here, then the truth came out - I was one of those damned yankees.
My son lived in Atlanta for a year. Big city, like a southern Chicago. But still southern. Sooooooo, you're conflicts are black/white racism, catholic/jw religion, hatred from both sides of parents, yankee/redneck, and long distance foreign country courtship.
Kudos to you, sweetie, for lasting this long. My best to you - you deserve it.
waiting

NON JW ENGAGED TO A JW

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